Have you ever got into the bath or shower and realised that you haven't got a towel, or not even a bath mat on the floor? Well, worry no longer, because this is the definitive guide to towel retrieval.

Retrieval from the Bath

You are in the bathtub but have forgotten your towel. With a bit of luck there is a small towel on a hand rail or in a cupboard just within your reach. If this is the case steady yourself using a knee on the side of the bath, then reach over, being careful not to overbalance.

If this is not the case, and there is no towel on the floor, try to reach over and take a piece of dirty clothing from the floor. Use this to avoid getting water all over the carpet on the way to the source of towels. A dirty sock will not amply replace a clean towel, so please ensure that you do not forget to search for a towel after leaving the bath.

When reaching over, try to lean from underneath the object you are aiming for so that drips on your arm run back into the bath and don't end up all over your nice clean floor. Either that, or get the towel quickly so that dripping is kept to a minimum. However, don't go so quickly that you injure yourself by falling out, or you may leave a large person-shaped wet patch instead.

The other alternatives are to get someone else to get you a towel, or to wait until you have dripped dry in which case you no longer require a towel. Both of these will often take a long time, and many people will experience severe boredom if they attempt either of these techniques. If there are any not-quite-long-enough sticks within reach, you can use these to prod the towel. Although this may entertain you, it will achieve little.

Retrieval from the Shower

In the shower, the options of dripping dry or shouting for someone's assistance still remain. However, if you attempt to shout too hard bypassers may simply mistake the noises you make for singing. As an alternative you could try the above suggestions, or try one of the strange (and probably not all that true...) solutions listed below.

• If possible, detach one of the shower doors, preferably with the shower turned off! The door can then be used to snag a distant towel on it, allowing retrieval. The other possibility is to put it down on the floor, but it will be lethally slippery and liable to break, so do not attempt this.

• If this doesn't work, you could always try detaching both doors and using them as giant chopsticks or tweezers to grab hold of the towel.

• If you have a shower gel container with one of those large hooks at the top you can use this to give you extra reach and snag the towel on it.

Retrieval from the Jaws of the Ravenous Bug Blatter Beast of Traal

Don't bother.

And finally...

In all cases of towel retrieval safety should be paramount. Do not take any unnecessary risks while retrieving towels.