The Legendary Journeys of the Knights of Kettering
Created | Updated Jan 28, 2002
we do gladly. Take strength and courage from these tales, and rest easy in the knowledge that somewhere in the darkness of the night, the Righteous Knights are looking after your Kumquats.Ma'huish U'qui Ketyrngh.
The Great Hairless Beaver
"The greatest wisdom is to know the pomogranate from the melon"-Ancient Buddhist Koan
"Lo! ThUS the very SUN shall rise and sMIte thine igNORAnce and perDItion! Thou HAST nigh unto the PARAdox of KumQuats hath forGOTTen thine semi-hoLY PomeGRANates! Even as the FIERY might of the trUE KUMQUATS verIly burneth the feared Ketteringisterismianites,the FREEzing wraTH of the VERY most RighTEOUS Pomogranates strIKE Terror into the hearts of Those Nextdoor!!"
The Kumquat Scrolls,
456 B.C.
"An darkenys had befallen ye kingdom, dank clouds and myreful watyers choked ye ferefyl hamlets of Northamtonshire. Feyn were ye legitymate bhurgers of Ketyrngh to face yon darkenys, and lo, wailing was emanation from theyre craven lips.
"Yet y was an ynge manne. Oraynge was his raimente, and on his left and in his right stood maidens of bountifyl virtue and great might. And he fought ye darkeness the fullness of three score moons, and the darkeness was brought down, and the grynd brought forth strange fruits, and oraynge was theyre colour."
From 'The Book of Changes'c. 875AD
"Witness, ye heretics. A shrouding mist descends upon the vale of Wicksteed, encompassing all that Kettering holds most dear. The Californians cometh, despoilers of Log Flumes. Go ye not into the dark light of dawn...Thrice damned Kettering, weep for your sins."
*Come to Sunny Kettering*, a Northamptonshire County Council Tourist Publication."...and
in the days that followed, plague upon plague of broccoli visited the dwelling of Kettering and naught augered well for the people therein. The Righteous ones were fiercesome in demeanour and the heretics of Northamptonshire (and some from East Grinstead) looked on them and were sorely afraid..."
'Side-splitters'-The
Cannon and Ball Story
"....and
there shall come a great reckoning, as though the fruit rising up from out of the Earth, when the Stars are aligned with the triangulation of the planets combined into...the sum of the square root of negative...one--then will the kumquats be mighty in vengeance, and the Pomogranate and the Kumquat shall lie together, in harmony with the celestial spheres; that this day shall pass, it shall not be counted as come until the Invisible One cometh, that he will be among their midst unseen until he reveals himself--that ageless part of the wholeness of Bob, and master of the...Fruit of power and fearful wrath, yet friend to all Kumquat wielders; he will not come in icy flaming glory, yet humble as a slice of Pork Pie, and by this he shall be known...*...and
his name shall be given:>Fred..."
*here was found a mysterious device inscribed in the rock, resembling more of a question mark with a spiky
mane--origin unknown
Yea, as moon on high DOTH climbe cannily INto the sky, it waxeth AND it waneth over THRICE blessed, THRICE damned Kettering, AND unto them that DID stand NAKED bossomed, BATHED in lunar lunacy and illumiNAtion, the figure of the ONE who WAS to come after, the FIGURE of doom and OF salvation, crying TEARS of lukewarm coffee upON the faceless masses OF the congregation of true believers, who DID tremble and DID waiver at the sight, but who DID NOT turneth away their eyes for THEY knew that HE or, quite possibly that SHE was with them, and looked FROM on high upON them, and DID spit upon them saliva of lentle SOUP from the salivary GLANDS of faith, and they WERE saved, and the DID eat Robins Minstrel, and there WAS much rejoicing.
....and on the 12th day, the Knights looked upon Northamptonshire and they saw much that was evil and needed cleansing. They called upon the ONE who would rise hereafter to show them the way,and it was good. At Kettering train station, the Prophet foresaw nine score and ten howling Californians.And in the fields of California, the heretics wept for their children.
Yea, though I walk through the shadow of Kettering, yet I fear not.
For one is soon to rise from the depths of Deptford, and they will smite forth with mighty vengeful machine guns, laying vast tracts of Northamptonshire to waste....
Lynch mobs! Death Squads! Babies being born without brains! The mad heat and the relentless rains!
The end is surely nigh!!
The rantings of VladimirAnd as the light fades, let those who walk in darkness not stumble, but look upon the light of those burning beneath them, and ahead to the purest flame of the Kumquat dipped in Kumquat Brandy; it shall light thier way out of the shadows, and into the sunny beaches of California, upon which they shall build war bunkers and dig many great ditches--and lo, the spirit of the Kumquat shall come upon them, and many shall wonder at the number of babes they shall attain; and they shall be mighty out in battle, smiting thier enemies with furious wrath born of the Sacred Pork Pies, and bloodying the noses of those who dare laugh in thier faces...they will prune the hedges of the village, rearrange the flowerboxes of the town, and cause mayhem to the storage rental facilities of the city...and none shall stop them hence....
