This is a sort of, somewhat, definitive list of Scottish Beers and whither they are any good. Other beer sites on H2G2 include; Beer and Real Ale. The management cannot be held responsible for any accidents caused due to following our recommendations. Enjoy.

Well we do that as well. However, a chuff of a lot of beer is drunk in Scotland. We have all the usual British types (i.e. from watery yellow to black as tar) but mostly with a Scottish spin. We also drink the trendy foriegn ones, but that is of no consequence here. The number of brewery's in Scotland is also somewhat large, with the number of microbreweries increasing by the year. One of the nicer things is that your average pub (such as the Uisge Beatha, he said, self referentially) will sell this microbrewery produce. As far as I am aware we have been brewing for thousands of years, with Fraoch being the first about two thousand years ago. Unfortunately it got banned after the '45, but has recently made a comeback.

Anyway, onto the stuff itself.

You are drinking a Scottish Lager! I am afraid you are sorely mistaken my young friend. We don't make Lager in Scotland. Belgium and Germany does, go there. If anyone tells you otherwise they work for Tennents.

Tennent's Lager

Total cat pish - avoid like the plague.

Flavour : 0

Drinkability : 0

Availability : 10

Pissed factor : 5

Tennents SD; This one is wierd. It is a lager, but it has a creamy head! As the advert says, "This is not natural". Thus we can happily claim it is not a lager, for the purposes of drinking it, when I have been known to enjoy it.

Flavour :6

Drinkability :7

Availability :8

Pissed factor :4

/- means shilling in British Imperial lingo and these beers used to be taxed according to their alcohol content. Thus as you increase in the shilling value the beer gets darker and stronger. 80/- (or just 80 as it is often called) is popular,
80/- is also known as Heavy, which is very useful when you can't be arsed picking a name. Also covers 70/- when the selection is bad. Please note that this only works in Scotland, if in England you should ask for a pint of Bitter, which will get you something similar.

McEwans/Belhaven 80/-

McEwans 80/- is palatable and Belhaven 80/- is drinkable if there is nothing else.Being roughly the same, i shall lump them together until someone complains.

Flavour :7

Drinkability :8

Availabilty :10

Pissed factor :4

Belhaven 90/-

Now this, on the other hand, is a pint I would crawl over hot coals to drink. Mostly due to the fact that after a pint I wouldn't be able to feel the pain anymore , it having an astoundingly high alcohol content. It also has the lovely touch of tasting like totally harmless barley sugar.

Flavour :10

Drinkability :10

Availabilty :1

Pissed factor :9

Caley 80/-

The standard by which all Scots Heavies should be measured. Caledonian 80/- having won the Camra Champion Beer of Scotland n-thousand years in a row is rather a fine pint. Meaty enough to give you something to chew on, but light enough to enable continued drinking. Almost never bags you up and well known (to me) for that 'two pints of Caley' feeling. The 2POC feeling is unique to Caley 80 - simply drink 2 pints, put on some Floyd, and relax. Zen meditation's got nothing on this.

Flavour : 8

Drinkability : 9

Availability : 7

Pissed factor : 5

Isle of Skye Red/Black Cuillin

Ah - the greatest beer on Earth from the most beautiful island on Earth. After drinking this you will be 10 feet tall and almost certainly bulletproof (not guaranteed). The Red is light-ish, but satisfying, my personal favourite beer
in the world, while the black is deep and malty - only a couple of these required to slip into blissfull relax mode. The black's a bit heavy for continued drinking, but consume the Red all night long. Good brewing process also makes for little or no after-effects. The down side? Dificult to get hold of outside of the Island. C'mon guys - share the good stuff!!

RED CUILLIN

Flavour : 10+

Drinkability : 8

Availability : 1

Pissed factor : 5

BLACK CUILLIN

Flavour : 9

Drinkability : 5

Availability : 1

Pissed factor : 4

Tomintoul Wildcat

A 5%-er, this one grabs you by the b*****ks and shakes you round its head - sharp and strong tasting, don't attempt to down this one, or you'll have the clawmarks on your throat to prove it. An ideal 3rd or 4th pint, to pep up a
slow session, but not recommended as an opening gambit.

Flavour : 7

Drinkability : 3

Availability : 3

Pissed factor : 7

Fraoch, Heather Ale, is officially made to an ancient Celtic recipe involving heather flowers and is lovely. According to the bumf on the back of the bottle, this is the stuff on which the Magic Potion of Asterix fame is based. They also make Grozet (Gooseberries), Alba (Pine Cones) and something else which currently escapes me. They are strange tasting, but not unpleasent.

Fraoch

Flavour :7

Drinkability :5

Availabilty :4, but going up

Pissed factor :5

Gillespies

The Beer equivalent of Brigadoon and Doctor Who. It only appears every century or so, then naffs off again. When hordes of angry punters demand its return, the management say it was never popular.

Incidently, S and N claim it still exists. Annoying sods.

Flavour :8

Drinkability :6

Availabilty :Ha ha, don't make me laugh.

Pissed factor :5

India Pale Ale. Now this does confuse me. I always assumed it was called this because it was sent to India. But then I learned that Export was so called because it was exported (Duh!). Also, it was dark and strong as it would lose alcohol during it's trip. Thus IPA (not IsoPropyl Alcohol {Propanol to you modern types}) being light in both colour and alcohol content must have a different reasoning. Will look it up.

This just arrived from our farming correspondent;
Bizarrely I know a little about this subject which being from Ayrshire is
amazing.

India Pale Ale (I.P.A.) is an English-style ale which dates back to the
British Empire. India Pale Ale became the only brew that could survive the
long sea journey from England to India. I.P.A.s were traditionally brewed
to mature while being shipped from Britain to India and were heavily hopped
to stay fresh.


In the eighteenth century although India was self-sufficient in most
things, the hot, humid climate was not conducive to brewing beer. For the
British colonists residing in India, the situation was intolerable, to say
the least.


So traders from London began shipping this pale ale to India, promising
that this brew would arrive clean, dry, sparkling, and full of flavor. It
did, and India Pale Ale became a popular choice not only in India, but in
England as well.

That aside, it is a very pleasent pint. Should you find yourself slightly ahead of the game during a nights drinking and wish to cut back, yet not look like a right girl, IPA is for you. A particularly good version is Deuchars IPA, made by the same guys as do Caley 80/-. It is light, refreshing and all the other things lager claims to be, without the pish taste.

Deuchers IPA

Flavour :5

Drinkability :6

Availability :6

Pissed Factor :3

Dark Island, Skullsplitter and something else. Mind you, after a pint of skullsplitter you can rarely remember anything else. It is a tad to strong of taste for me, but I can drink Dark Island til the cows come home. As can fellow drinker Mr. McChrystal who has helped research this article.

Orkney Dark Island

Whahey!!! The mysterious Dark island tastes like it's kiddy juice, and begs for you to finish the keg - but beware - beneath its 3.something taste, and its 4.something strength lies a 6.something percent hit - you will be flying
on this stuff. Deep, dark and chewy - it's the big pint that really satisfies.

Flavour : 7

Drinkability : 7

Availability : 5

Pissed factor : 9

I have to work, but I shall continue to gather information on this subject for the purpose of your edification. Also, ta to those who are supplying me with info. It is surprisingly hard to remember what was nice when you wake up next morning.
Will submit this now I think, and continue to contemplate additions while the editors are at lunch.