by Michael Bywater, h2g2 Staff Equaliser

Tired of ugly spam clogging up your mailbox with its evil-smelling, greasy deposits? Sick to the teeth of people trying to make money out of assuming that you're a brainless, imperceptive dork with a major personal insecurity problem and the discrimination of a frying-pan? Do you sometimes feel that the only thing which would satisfy you is the sound of a fluently-wielded hatchet crunching into greedy skulls, bits of brain flying around the room and bone-shards embedding themselves in the wallpaper?

Here at h2g2, we understand. We know that you are a person of fine tastes and exquisite discrimination. Someone who is not to be treated lightly. A post-modern sort of a person, well able to distinguish between fact and irony. We know who your enemies are. Your enemies are:

• Spam merchants
• Scumbags who address you as if you are a friend
• People who send emails headed "Here's the info you asked for..." or "Hi - it's been a while..." which turn out to be get-rich-quick scams, four-hours-to-download-the-home-page scratchy video sites, pyramid rackets, "credit repair" stings or Adult Check sites with blurry monochrome WebCam pictures of ugly people with their kit off
• Witty advertisements
• Matey advertisements
• Pompous advertisements
• Other advertisements
• Politicians
• Spin doctors
• Bigots
• Bogus health-scare statisticians
• Madmen with cancer cures suppressed by the medical establishment hand-in-glove with the evil rich multinational pharmaceutical corporations
• Evil rich multinational pharmaceutical corporations
• Spin doctors again
• Public relations people, especially Mohammed Fayed's public relations people
• Corporate spokepeople
• The rod-up-the-ass lying tosspots who write the job advertisements in the Sunday papers
• Spin doctors again, again
• All the rest of the b******s

BUT... fear no more. With Truth Doctor™ you can rid yourself of ugly verbiage and learn the naked truth behind the web of lies and manipulation which infect our lives.

Want to learn more? Of course you do.