1. The so-called "oceanic" smell in fragrances like CKOne comes from
   a designer molecule called callone which was originally created as
   a detergent fragrance to make your laundry smell fresh. It actually smells
   vaguely of watermelon and so, by association,
   is said to smell "watery" and thus "sea-fresh". In reality
   it is a creeping horror, a sort of olfactory slime-mould which invades everything
   it encounters, and sensitive perfumery types have to leave them room and go
   to the pretty Greek island of Hydra for a fortnight's hysterics if someone
   so much as leaves the cap of a bottle of callone in their presence. This is
   known as "artistic temperament" and is something Mister Smack-In-The-Face
   is pledged to stamp out.

2. The four subtlest and most persistent odours in classical perfumery are
   all animal derivatives: musk, from the anal glands of the musk deer; civet,
   from the anal glands of the civet cat; ambergris, from a specific type of
   whale-vomit produced when the whale's stomach is irritated by squid-beaks
   in its diet; and castoreum, from the stuff which
   beavers use to waterproof their fur.

3. Pure musk is an irresistible aphrodisiac to some, and makes others throw
   up. It is so difficult to recreate in the laboratory that the Nobel Prize
   for Chemistry was awarded to the team which first cracked the problem.

4. Most 'designer' perfumes are not designed by the designers, but by rather
   mousy people working for giant fragrance companies like IFF and Firmenich.

5. Market research shows that 70% people have already decided to buy a given
   fragrance based on the advertising, long before they open the bottle and smell
   it.

6. Common sense shows that 99% of perfume advertising is sheer b*****ks and
   it is quite incredible that ordinarily intelligent and self-determining people
   fall for the appalling and obviously manipulative garbage used to sell scent
   to them. And these are people who sneer at lemmings? Good grief.

7. Sandalwood smells uncannily like testosterone.

8. Marilyn Monroe, when asked what she wore in bed, said "Chanel No. 5".
   The idea of Marilyn Monroe naked in bed so over-excited the imagination of
   American Men that it sparked the Economic Miracle of the 1950s, ushered in
   the Consumer Society, inspired "man" to fly to the moon, and was
   directly responsible for the burst of energy which led to the development
   of the personal computer. Curiously enough, these same American Men didn't
   have the wit to realise that, beneath her clothes, Marilyn Monroe was naked
   all the time.

9. Millions of people throughout Europe put themselves to great expense, inconvenience
   and discomfort to travel to the Zone of Totality for the August 11 eclipse,
   just so that they could watch the sun go out. This is not a Secret of the
   Wonderful World of Perfume, but, like the Marilyn Monroe effect above, is
   another indicator of the gullibility of humankind. After all, you can watch
   the sun go out every night for free.

10. The most erotic scent in the world is a secret, but you'll know it when
    you smell it. It is, however, the exact oppositeof a rather overweight father
    of three, dressed in Nike sportsgear and three-day-old athletic socks, drinking
    Heineken and smoking Rothman's Royals outside the McDonald's Burger Area on
    an overcrowded cross-Channel ferry in a force 10 gale, if that gives you a
    clue.

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