There are 3 primary varieties of Martini:

1: Traditional--2 parts Gin, 1 part Dry Vermouth

2: Dry--5 parts Gin, 1 part Dry Vermouth

3: Sweet--equal parts Gin and Sweet Vermouth

In all cases, stir with ice, pour into a glass shaped like an upside-down cone, add one olive impaled on a toothpick, and unload the damn thing on the sap who ordered it as soon as you can. Should you be deficient in any of the ingredients, you can replace the Gin with Vodka, or the Vermouth with Pine Needle Purée. Gasoline may also be used. The impact on the flavor is minimal. However, by no means remove the olive; without it this beverage is highly toxic.

Occasionally this beverage will be ordered "Shaken, not Stirred." In this case, use the gasoline, and exclude the olive.