Universal Speed - or, How Wrong Can Physicists Be?
Created | Updated Jan 28, 2002
Physics has been universally acknowledged as being possibly the most idotic pasttime that anyone can do with their time.
When Sir Issac Newton discovered the physical Law of Gravity by doing nothing more than istting under a pleasant apple tree one sunny afternoon, little did he realise just how idiotic a science he was about to invent.
It has long been assumed that the universe was created by the Big Bang, which supposes that all matter eminated from a central point the size of an atom and is radiating outwards at great speed.
Using the Laws of Physics, anything that explodes from a central mass must eventually run out of energy. A balloon for example, runs our of energy very quickly when popped. A Nuclear explosion on the other hand takes significantly longer to subside.
The fact that the Universe is moving can be easily proved, but what Scientists REALLY wanted to know was the speed at which it is decelerating. Wth this knowledge, they could potentially predict when it would stop mioving altogether, and subsequently understand how long it will be before the whole thing gives up altogether and collapses in on itself back into a mass the size of a golf ball, but with the combined weight of all the planets and stars in existence.
To do this, a clever method of using Supernova Stars(which are the only light points in the Universe to burn at a constant brightness) was devised. With this system, the speed of deceleration could be calculated, and no appled had to be dropped onto anyone.
Several teams all round the world tested the system, and it was not long before all the data had been calculated and all the late night cheese sandwiches had been eaten, and the results were in.
What they found was so astounding, that they completely forgot about their articles in New Scientist magazine, and kept the whole thing very, very quiet.
What they discovered was this:
The Universe, it was calculated, is not slowing down at all.
The Universe is speeding up.
This, it would seem, goes against pretty much all of the known Laws of Physics, and would essentially mean that a firecracker going off in Hyde Park would, under the new physical rules, keep gaining energy and destroy the entire planet.
From this monumental discovery, we can either conclude one of the following:
1. Scientists are not as clever as they lead us to believe.
2. All the Laws of Physics are completely wrong.
In either eventuallity, The Guide advised that you do not trust any Scientists that you may meet, and on no account should you ever buy insurance from one.
When Sir Issac Newton discovered the physical Law of Gravity by doing nothing more than istting under a pleasant apple tree one sunny afternoon, little did he realise just how idiotic a science he was about to invent.
It has long been assumed that the universe was created by the Big Bang, which supposes that all matter eminated from a central point the size of an atom and is radiating outwards at great speed.
Using the Laws of Physics, anything that explodes from a central mass must eventually run out of energy. A balloon for example, runs our of energy very quickly when popped. A Nuclear explosion on the other hand takes significantly longer to subside.
The fact that the Universe is moving can be easily proved, but what Scientists REALLY wanted to know was the speed at which it is decelerating. Wth this knowledge, they could potentially predict when it would stop mioving altogether, and subsequently understand how long it will be before the whole thing gives up altogether and collapses in on itself back into a mass the size of a golf ball, but with the combined weight of all the planets and stars in existence.
To do this, a clever method of using Supernova Stars(which are the only light points in the Universe to burn at a constant brightness) was devised. With this system, the speed of deceleration could be calculated, and no appled had to be dropped onto anyone.
Several teams all round the world tested the system, and it was not long before all the data had been calculated and all the late night cheese sandwiches had been eaten, and the results were in.
What they found was so astounding, that they completely forgot about their articles in New Scientist magazine, and kept the whole thing very, very quiet.
What they discovered was this:
The Universe, it was calculated, is not slowing down at all.
The Universe is speeding up.
This, it would seem, goes against pretty much all of the known Laws of Physics, and would essentially mean that a firecracker going off in Hyde Park would, under the new physical rules, keep gaining energy and destroy the entire planet.
From this monumental discovery, we can either conclude one of the following:
1. Scientists are not as clever as they lead us to believe.
2. All the Laws of Physics are completely wrong.
In either eventuallity, The Guide advised that you do not trust any Scientists that you may meet, and on no account should you ever buy insurance from one.
