The beard, whilst seeming nothing more than a holdover from the days when everyone was covered from head to foot
with hair, may be slightly more than they seem. Most accept that they have remained on the male and not the female as
a guide to sexual recognition. Those few that don't only say this to try and sell more razors and skin creams. It is a common saying
among both males and females that one "shouldn't trust a man with a beard". As long as people have no beard they will say this, though
when pressed they cannot produce a reason better than the assumption that the bearded man is seeking something to
hide behind or is seeking to make his otherwise weak and receding chin seem large. This theory would imply that everyone wishes their armpits
were larger and that they are ashamed of their pubic region, when the fact is that most people with what they regard as a small penis would benefit
from shaving their crotch; with no pant-beard to hide behind they would look impressively larger.

The real reason for the continued existence of the male beard is similar to the increasing growth in size of a lady's breasts
and large, red lips. Just as the breasts are a physical echo of a large pair of shapely buttocks and the lips the same to the labia, a man's beard is the
replacement in these bipedal times of the man's hairy (at least more so than the female) arse. The beard is used to add an indication of
the content issuing from the orifice it surrounds. If large sideburns with no central beard are sported, it signifies that the ears in this individual
are incapable of absorbing information much as the bearded mouth is incapable of issuing information of any relevance. Whilst this implies that the adage "baldness is a sign of wisdom" contains an element
of truth, no explanation is currently offered of the implication of this theory on the nature of hairy legs, arms, chests and backs. researchers are currently
studying men with naturally hairy, naturally bald and falsely bald chests, backs and limbs to see if any behavioural trait
may be extrapolated from their behaviour. The only conclusive results so far show that men without naturally hairy heads that seek surgical
assistance are unconsciously implying that their head contains nothing of any relevance. This explains old films in which some clean-shaven and
muscular sailor/pilot/random chiselled bloke would start spouting philosophy as soon as the effects of being stranded on a desert island/
forgotten planet/strange subterranean country without a razor became apparent. To counteract the prejudice that they spoke only of triviality
they made an extra effort to sound wise in their enforced state of beardedness.

The idea that an unwanted change in the hair-state of an individual goes some way to explain the strange and various behaviours of the
adolescent male. Hitherto hairless, various body parts suddenly sprout forth. The teenager is thus forced to experiment
with the issue of any orifices affected by this to establish their adult function.