Presents for some people represent a considerable effort of lateral thought and sheer guesswork. For many people these individuals are called 'parents' and after several years of socks, ties, chocolates and bath oils the looks of surprise begin to wear thin.

It is at this point that the joy is brought back into gift-giving by the introduction of the pointless novelty item. These are many and varied in format - from trinkets and paperweights to tiny books of advice and amusingly shaped chocolates - but few can be considered more futile and entertainingly pointless that the Mini-Game, sport condensed into a format suitable for a book-sized box.

Basic Mini-Game Overview

To be really pointless a mini-game needs to be small, less than 30 centimetres to a side, and ideally reduce the target sport to an unrecognizable format. The most common conversion is to turn any given sport into something that resembles Pool or snooker. Construction is primarily plastic with occasional low quality, low tolerance metal components. Pieces of green felt-like material may be included for the realistic grass feel.

Due to the content of mini-games all carry a warning of possible choking hazards and notification that the game is not suitable for useby children aged under three. Of course these sorts of warning cannot be read by precisely the individuals who they're meant to deter and owners should familiarise themselves with the number of a good local doctor and the Hiemlich Manoeuvre¹   .

Snooker/Pool

The standard for mini-games, the Pool or Snooker table includes pockets in the corners and half-way along the longest sides and some form of effort at green felt. The balls will generally be light and plastic with cues about 6 inches long. Most versions will nclude all the balls necessary to play snooker or pool. Over time, with ball loss, this will normally reduce down to just pool, then mismatched balls pool, billiards and finally mock swordfighting with the cues.

The size of the cues means that just about every shot attempted will be at an angle of 45 degrees from above, which would result in a curve or something jumpy on a real table, but simply results in projectile balls on a mini-game table. Light shots usually result in the balls hardly moving at all, while hard shots will scatter balls everywhere.

Fuusball

A small table, around 30 centimetres by 12 centimetres, with the standard Pool table appearance. Holes along the longer sides support thin, telescoping metal rods with plastic handles. If superior in quality the se will include several reasonable heavy plastic, or ideally metal, balls - otherwise it will include one or two, which will invariably go missing within a week. Green felt with markings appropriate to standard football may be included, otherwise the markings will be on green plastic.

The objective of the game is to score as many goals as possible without breaking the metal rods, cracking the table or losing all the balls in over-enthusiastic snapshots for the goal. Tables of this size and construction will not support the frowned-upon tactic of 'spinning' - usually resulting in nothing more than a half-hearted single rotation.

Golf

A questionable conversion frm 18 holes of rough and sand-traps to abut 9 holes of fake felt and dubious obstacles. Mini-games of golf use the standard Pool table with additional holes around the middle of the table. Obstacles include the holes themselves and, possibly, small bumps or nodules in the surface of the table²   . Clubs are generally around six inches in length with half-inch heads and are gripped, carefully, with thumb and forefinger from both hands.

The holes on the table are numbered between one and nine, an order to which players must adhere to win. The ball is struck around the surface from one hole to another until someone finally manages to hole the ball from one to nine in the correct order. Bad chips result in the balls vanishing under furniture, an eventuality which will probably be described in the rules as going Out Of Bounds.

Ten-Pin Bowling

More correctly described as 'Skittles'³   the table is likely to be the standard Pool format, althought more expensive versions may provide greater length and biege felt, instead of green. Additional equipment will include one or more balls and ten pins that must be erected in a triangular formation at one end of the table. Superior tables may include a system that attaches strings, through the surface of the table, to the bottoms of the pins allowing fallen pins to be re-erected by tugging on the attachments and plling them upright.

The objective for most people will be simply to throw the ball with enough force to actually move the pins, or even to strike the pins at all. For many the ball will simply sail overhead and end up in the carpet somewhere. Each player gets a set number of attempts to drop the triangle of pins before moving on to the next player. Play continues for several rounds with cumulative scoring, or until enough of the bits go missing to make the game impossible to continue.

Table-Tennis

A simple conversion from a big table to a small one, mini table-tennis uses a version of the Pool table format which is completely flat and free of attempts at felt. Sets include a net, two paddles and a full-sized ping-pong ball.

The problem with table-tennis is that, without practice, it is a difficult enough game to play on a full-sized table. Here, however, you face a table with the dimensions of a hardback book, paddles you have to grip between thumb and forefinger and the standard high bounce antics of a ping-pong ball. It is recommended that you play well clear of fragile glass trinkets and crockery collections.

Basketball

Varying slightly from the normal format, 'fingertip' Basketball consists of a base with a small catapult-like mechanism at one end and a basket, with backboard, at the other. For cheaper version this will be enough, while 'executive' versions will include netting or a chute that guides balls back to your fingertips. A set will also include one or more plastic balls. Some executive versions collapse into pocket-sized cases.

The less-than-simple objective is to score a basket by flicking the catapult mechanism and landing the ball either directly into the hoop or rebounding one in off the backboard. The more obvious result is another case of getting down on your hands and knees to find missing balls behind the furniture in the room.

Roulette

The table will generally be the standard Pool-style with markings for placing bids and a separate roulette wheel. Executive versions of the mini-game maybe squarer with the roulette wheel incorporated into the table itself. Additional components include a ball for spinning in the roulette wheel and tokens for placing bets - though never anywhere near enough to allow anyone to amass a considerable fortune.

The best part of any session of mini-Roulette will involve trying to synchronise the spinning of the wheel with the throwing of the ball in the other direction without the latter catapulting into someone's eye or disappearing across the room behind the sofa. Overtime counters will disappear, requiring improvisation with tiddlywinks, small coins and washers, and the handle for spinning the wheel will come loose and be lost before an appropriate glue can be found that won't simply melt straight through the low grade plastic.