There was tremendous media excitement - well, I'm sure somebody must have said something somewhere along the line - to Shazz's recent call for columnists to write for the h2g2 Post. It might well signal the future direction of this whole website. Overseas models tell us that the way to go is to get rid of paid staff, with their nagging demands for holidays, sick leave and better pay, and farm out their work to a few self-employed mercenaries. That's easily done. The next wise step is to reduce the number of these various contributors and consultants, and load up their services onto a select few - at a reduced price, of course. in short, the age of the specialist is dying; the modern need is for someone who can confidently perform a wide range of tasks. As such, it seems in my best interests to stake out some other h2g2 territories. Apologies to Mark, Peta, Abi, Ashley and the gang, but a man has to provide for his welfare in these perilous and uncertain days.

FOOD

Winter rains make it difficult to enjoy an outdoor barbecue, which is traditionally the domain of summer, but there has to be a way. I recently stepped outside and lit a few coals in a dreadful downpour - but took the precaution of carrying an umbrella. This experiment was fine and dandy, until the smoke billowed up beneath the umbrella, and I found it difficult to breathe. And so I grabbed a pair of scissors and snipped out a few strategic vents in the umbrella. The smoke sailed away, and left me free to consider what I might cook, but then the rain fell onto my head, and I got soaking bloody wet. Well, they say there's more than one way to skin a cat, which brings me to this week's recipe.

DRINK

The delicious cherry and violets of 1996 Gaga Yellow Piis, with its wicked twinge of wild reek, fills your head with seductive textures and feelings of poetry. And then I drakn three or 4 more b ottles and your th best frebnd I everhad ya fucjllinghdf bstard. cheeers!

SPORT

There has been a lot of talk about Mark Todd, who completed his MA thesis in philosophy four years ago and is now working as a potato peeler in Methven, after he was arrested last week by a passing television journalist on suspicion of taking drugs. The reporter told his editor that he found Todd face down in the snow on Mt Hutt. "It could have been cocaine," he said. Fair enough. Drug-testing among university graduates who peel potatoes should be mandatory. But I thought the journalist went too far when he claimed that Todd was gay as a goose. What has the private life of a goose got to do with sport? Search me. You won't find any concealed drugs, that's for sure, and even if you did, it's because I sometimes write the health column.

HEALTH

Feeling crook? See a doctor. They should see you right. But the last time I made an appointment with my quack was due to an intimate complaint; I sat down, rather gingerly, and he says to me, he says, "How are you?" What was I supposed to say - "I'm good, thanks, and how are you?" If I was fine, I wouldn't have been there in the first place, would I? I don't know. Sometimes I think we'd be better off dead.

COMPUTERS

A new project called Internet 2 will help define Protocol version 6 (IPv6), and lengthen IP addresses from 32 bits to 128 bits. What does it all mean? I don't know. I really don't.

LIFE OF BRIAN

I ran into h2g2 Post political wannabe Ms Fashion Cat the other day. She said, "Your name isn't Brian." Must be a blonde.

POLITICS

What does George W Bush do all day when he is not killing people?

GARDEN

A mangrove swamp makes an attractive addition to your garden, but how to go about it? There has to be a way. We all know that mangroves require the daily movements of salt-water tides to keep them alive. I recently conducted an experiment to see whether I could simulate tidal flow in my backyard, and feel I have come close. First, stick some mangrove seedlings in a patch of mud, and sprinkle with salt. Then you get a hose, right, and squirt it at the mud so that the water moves straight ahead. And then you walk to the end of the row, turn around, and repeat the exercise. It gets a little tiring to do this all bloody day, I admit, but it might just work. It also pays to dump a whole lot of garbage into the mud, such as straws, bottle tops, plastic bags, combs, socks, engine parts, sheets of asbestos, and take-away cups of coffee bought from espresso slophouses. You want your mangroves to look realistic.

FOOL'S PARADISE

There was tremendous media excitement - well, I'm sure somebody said something somewhere along the line - when I took over as head DJ at h2g2 Radio last week.

Disclaimer - this is just a bit of fun. Please do not take it seriously.