Staple Remover
Created | Updated May 2, 2002
A staple remover is a contraption, often forged of metal and plastic, that is used for removing staples originally implanted by staplers (see: 'Staplers', entry #A168392).
Design/Construction
The conventional staple remover consists of two main parts, which are (one presumes, for convenience) virtually identical to each other. (More on 'virtually' later.)
The first part consists of a metal portion and a plastic portion, each with a definite function. The metal portion, instrumental in the actual removal of a staple from the paper (or cardboard, wall, human flesh, or what have you) is shaped in the following manner:
1. From a front (i.e. cross-section) view, the metal portion appears to form a 'U' shape. This appearance is not an illusion. It does, in fact, form a 'U' shape. This is generally about 1cm in width (call this 'measurement A' for future reference) and 1.5cm in height (call this 'measurement B'). By no small coincidence, measurement A is also the approximate width of your average staple.
2. This 'U', when rotated 90°, reveals itself to be the mouth of a three-sided, squared-off cylinder, generally about 5cm to 6cm in length (call this 'measurement C').
3. At one end of this cylinder, both sides are spiked upwards sharply. These spikes protrude upward .7cm (call this 'measurement D'). They are vital to the actual removal of the staple. They have also played a key role in providing humanity with things that, when brought into contact with human skin at even minimally high velocities, hurt like the Dickens.
4. At the other end of this metal squared cylinder, both sides have a hole measuring about .3cm in diameter (call this 'measurement E') poked through them. The purpose of this will be discussed shortly.
The plastic portion of this part is shaped roughly like an uppercase letter 'T' from a top view. It usually extends the length of the metal portion (measurement C). It is also generally 3.5cm to 4cm in width (call this 'measurement F'). (Higher-range models have the side-protrusions of the 'T' curved upwards for maximum staple-removing comfort.) This plastic portion is fastened flat to the middle side of the cylinder by two small metal bolts, placed one towards the front and one towards the back.
The second part is identical to the first in nearly all respects, except for two:
1. Measurement A is slightly (about .2cm) smaller so that this 'U' may fit comfortably into the other, wider 'U' and form a sort of 'O' shape.
2. For the same purpose, measurements B and D are also slightly (about .3cm) smaller than those on their respective counterparts.
Now, the purpose for the hole mentioned in point 4 above finds its relevance. You see, at some point during the staple remover design process, it was decided that these parts were of little or no usefulness without being joined in some coherent manner. To this end, the hole from step 4 was inserted into the design. The two parts were joined together in such a manner than all four holes (two per part) aligned, and the spikes from each side were facing those on the other side. After this, a metal fastener was inserted into the hole and fastened (as fasteners are wont to be). Then, someone approximately three doors down sneezed. This, however, was neither here nor there, since the basic design of the staple remover was near-complete!
Near complete, that is, because the contraption lacked one key element: 'sproingyness'. That is, the purpose of a staple remover is to remove the staple. However, given a staple's marked propensity towards being made of metal, they are often rigid, and thus do not let go of other metal bits easily, the metal bit on the staple remover being no exception. This was solved by placing a small spring on the aforementioned metal fastener which would make the remover snap open when free from artificially-applied pressure. With this crowning improvement, the staple remover was complete!
To summarize, the staple remover now takes the following approximate form:
1. Make a 'V' sign with your hand.
2. Pivot your hand so that one finger of the 'V' is parallel to the horizon.
3. Make a sort of 'cutting' motion with the 'V'.
4. Pretend you have sharp metal spikes protruding from either finger, facing towards each other.
Use/Function
The way in which a staple remover is used is relatively simple. To start with, identify the document to be unstapled, and find the spot at which the errant, renegade staple has been implanted. Turn the document so that the smooth side of the staple faces away from you, and what faces towards you is the side of the staple which consists of two prongs folded down into the paper.
Next comes the tricky part. Grasp the staple remover so that your pointer and middle fingers rest on the protrusions of the plastic 'T' of one side, and your thumb rests parallel to the plastic 'T's long bit on the other side. A sign that this has been done properly is that, when you attempt to join your thumb with your middle and pointer fingers, the staple remover closes up and gets in the way.
Now comes the actual removal of the staple. With your free hand, grasp the waywardly stapled document. Bring the staple remover, teeth first, close to the staple. Insert the metal teeth of one side of the remover into the small gap between the staple and the paper. Bring your thumb towards your middle and pointer fingers so that the staple remover closes up on the staple. In the process, as you will be surprised (if you are easily surprised) to learn, the staple has been 'opened'! At this point, you may place the remover down on a flat surface (a desk is ideal; a globe is just asking for trouble), and proceed to manually remove the newly-opened staple.
Other Uses
Perhaps in betrayal of its name, a staple remover may be used to remove more than staples. Common alternative purposes for staple removers include (but, thanks to human ingenuity, are no means limited to) the following:
'Pretend Vampire Fangs' - One part cool trick, one part testament to human foolhardiness, 'Pretend Vampire Fangs' is one of the most easily-achieved and commonly-performed tricks to be done with staple removers. The trick involves inserting the staple remover into one's mouth in such a manner that, when the mouth clamps down, the staple remover will give the illusion of 'fangs'. This illusion is rarely achieved to the point that the willing suspension of disbelief becomes even a consideration.
'Pretend Crab Claws' (a.k.a. 'Pretend Lobster Claws') - 'Pretend Vampire Fangs' b*****d cousin. Involves grasping the staple remover with the hands in such a way that, when the hand is closed, the staple remover closes, too. Again, rarely a trick performed with a great depth of skill.
'Pretend Castanets' - Similar to 'Pretend Crab Claws', however performed with hands held in the air, and with some discernible rhythm to the opening and closing of the staple remover. Ideally performed with two staple removers. More accurately, best performed with two staple removers. Ideally, this trick is not performed at all.
'Pretend Telegraph' - Likely invented by the more history-conscious brother of the idiot who invented the uses above. Involves placing the staple remover flat on a table, and pressing down rapidly on the other end in a succession meant to simulate Morse code. (The result usually more closely resembles Morse code generated by a creature with no distinct fingers and a three-day-old sugar high.) A popular companion to this game involves typing a random 'message' in Morse code, recording it, and then translating it into discernible letters (or, when possible, words). Fun for the whole family.
Murder - Although no such case is readily available, it may be inferred that a staple remover could be used to commit murder (or at least inflict bodily harm) in any number of ways. (Note that this entry in no way encourages murder, least of all with a staple remover, which is almost invariably a messy job.)
Displays of Manliness/Womanliness - The above trick, with the exception that no one is actually killed. Rather, they are afflicted with staple remover-induced pain until certain that they are Manly/Womanly. (In all fairness, it's hard to think of how such a task would provide any proof of Womanliness, but I suppose it takes all kinds.)
Variations
Staple removers come in many variations. Factors that may vary include:
Color - Staple removers are available in nearly the same number of colors, shades, and hues as wall paint.
Patterns - Staple removers may also be purchased which feature images on them. Surprisingly, this distinction is not at all relegated to pictures of T-shaped things. Unicorns, for reasons escaping any reasonable person, are a popular theme.
Texture - Staple removers vary in texture, more so the plastic portion than the metal portion. Smooth plastics, shiny plastics, rough plastics, and even dull plastics are all available.
Design - The most luxurious variation of the staple remover. Newer, more ergonomically-designed staple removers have become de rigeur for the jet-setting young executive who spends an inordinate amount of time removing staples.
Note that any of the above factors may affect the price of staple remover, but rarely to the point that it will fall outside of a given office-supply budget.
Availability
Having had the staple remover thoroughly explained to you, you are doubtless enchanted by this little plastic-and-metal mistress, and want one immediately. Don't fret! They are readily available in virtually any office supply store, rarely cost more than $3.00, and may be purchased without any sort of license or permit.
Design/Construction
The conventional staple remover consists of two main parts, which are (one presumes, for convenience) virtually identical to each other. (More on 'virtually' later.)
The first part consists of a metal portion and a plastic portion, each with a definite function. The metal portion, instrumental in the actual removal of a staple from the paper (or cardboard, wall, human flesh, or what have you) is shaped in the following manner:
1. From a front (i.e. cross-section) view, the metal portion appears to form a 'U' shape. This appearance is not an illusion. It does, in fact, form a 'U' shape. This is generally about 1cm in width (call this 'measurement A' for future reference) and 1.5cm in height (call this 'measurement B'). By no small coincidence, measurement A is also the approximate width of your average staple.
2. This 'U', when rotated 90°, reveals itself to be the mouth of a three-sided, squared-off cylinder, generally about 5cm to 6cm in length (call this 'measurement C').
3. At one end of this cylinder, both sides are spiked upwards sharply. These spikes protrude upward .7cm (call this 'measurement D'). They are vital to the actual removal of the staple. They have also played a key role in providing humanity with things that, when brought into contact with human skin at even minimally high velocities, hurt like the Dickens.
4. At the other end of this metal squared cylinder, both sides have a hole measuring about .3cm in diameter (call this 'measurement E') poked through them. The purpose of this will be discussed shortly.
The plastic portion of this part is shaped roughly like an uppercase letter 'T' from a top view. It usually extends the length of the metal portion (measurement C). It is also generally 3.5cm to 4cm in width (call this 'measurement F'). (Higher-range models have the side-protrusions of the 'T' curved upwards for maximum staple-removing comfort.) This plastic portion is fastened flat to the middle side of the cylinder by two small metal bolts, placed one towards the front and one towards the back.
The second part is identical to the first in nearly all respects, except for two:
1. Measurement A is slightly (about .2cm) smaller so that this 'U' may fit comfortably into the other, wider 'U' and form a sort of 'O' shape.
2. For the same purpose, measurements B and D are also slightly (about .3cm) smaller than those on their respective counterparts.
Now, the purpose for the hole mentioned in point 4 above finds its relevance. You see, at some point during the staple remover design process, it was decided that these parts were of little or no usefulness without being joined in some coherent manner. To this end, the hole from step 4 was inserted into the design. The two parts were joined together in such a manner than all four holes (two per part) aligned, and the spikes from each side were facing those on the other side. After this, a metal fastener was inserted into the hole and fastened (as fasteners are wont to be). Then, someone approximately three doors down sneezed. This, however, was neither here nor there, since the basic design of the staple remover was near-complete!
Near complete, that is, because the contraption lacked one key element: 'sproingyness'. That is, the purpose of a staple remover is to remove the staple. However, given a staple's marked propensity towards being made of metal, they are often rigid, and thus do not let go of other metal bits easily, the metal bit on the staple remover being no exception. This was solved by placing a small spring on the aforementioned metal fastener which would make the remover snap open when free from artificially-applied pressure. With this crowning improvement, the staple remover was complete!
To summarize, the staple remover now takes the following approximate form:
1. Make a 'V' sign with your hand.
2. Pivot your hand so that one finger of the 'V' is parallel to the horizon.
3. Make a sort of 'cutting' motion with the 'V'.
4. Pretend you have sharp metal spikes protruding from either finger, facing towards each other.
Use/Function
The way in which a staple remover is used is relatively simple. To start with, identify the document to be unstapled, and find the spot at which the errant, renegade staple has been implanted. Turn the document so that the smooth side of the staple faces away from you, and what faces towards you is the side of the staple which consists of two prongs folded down into the paper.
Next comes the tricky part. Grasp the staple remover so that your pointer and middle fingers rest on the protrusions of the plastic 'T' of one side, and your thumb rests parallel to the plastic 'T's long bit on the other side. A sign that this has been done properly is that, when you attempt to join your thumb with your middle and pointer fingers, the staple remover closes up and gets in the way.
Now comes the actual removal of the staple. With your free hand, grasp the waywardly stapled document. Bring the staple remover, teeth first, close to the staple. Insert the metal teeth of one side of the remover into the small gap between the staple and the paper. Bring your thumb towards your middle and pointer fingers so that the staple remover closes up on the staple. In the process, as you will be surprised (if you are easily surprised) to learn, the staple has been 'opened'! At this point, you may place the remover down on a flat surface (a desk is ideal; a globe is just asking for trouble), and proceed to manually remove the newly-opened staple.
Other Uses
Perhaps in betrayal of its name, a staple remover may be used to remove more than staples. Common alternative purposes for staple removers include (but, thanks to human ingenuity, are no means limited to) the following:
'Pretend Vampire Fangs' - One part cool trick, one part testament to human foolhardiness, 'Pretend Vampire Fangs' is one of the most easily-achieved and commonly-performed tricks to be done with staple removers. The trick involves inserting the staple remover into one's mouth in such a manner that, when the mouth clamps down, the staple remover will give the illusion of 'fangs'. This illusion is rarely achieved to the point that the willing suspension of disbelief becomes even a consideration.
'Pretend Crab Claws' (a.k.a. 'Pretend Lobster Claws') - 'Pretend Vampire Fangs' b*****d cousin. Involves grasping the staple remover with the hands in such a way that, when the hand is closed, the staple remover closes, too. Again, rarely a trick performed with a great depth of skill.
'Pretend Castanets' - Similar to 'Pretend Crab Claws', however performed with hands held in the air, and with some discernible rhythm to the opening and closing of the staple remover. Ideally performed with two staple removers. More accurately, best performed with two staple removers. Ideally, this trick is not performed at all.
'Pretend Telegraph' - Likely invented by the more history-conscious brother of the idiot who invented the uses above. Involves placing the staple remover flat on a table, and pressing down rapidly on the other end in a succession meant to simulate Morse code. (The result usually more closely resembles Morse code generated by a creature with no distinct fingers and a three-day-old sugar high.) A popular companion to this game involves typing a random 'message' in Morse code, recording it, and then translating it into discernible letters (or, when possible, words). Fun for the whole family.
Murder - Although no such case is readily available, it may be inferred that a staple remover could be used to commit murder (or at least inflict bodily harm) in any number of ways. (Note that this entry in no way encourages murder, least of all with a staple remover, which is almost invariably a messy job.)
Displays of Manliness/Womanliness - The above trick, with the exception that no one is actually killed. Rather, they are afflicted with staple remover-induced pain until certain that they are Manly/Womanly. (In all fairness, it's hard to think of how such a task would provide any proof of Womanliness, but I suppose it takes all kinds.)
Variations
Staple removers come in many variations. Factors that may vary include:
Color - Staple removers are available in nearly the same number of colors, shades, and hues as wall paint.
Patterns - Staple removers may also be purchased which feature images on them. Surprisingly, this distinction is not at all relegated to pictures of T-shaped things. Unicorns, for reasons escaping any reasonable person, are a popular theme.
Texture - Staple removers vary in texture, more so the plastic portion than the metal portion. Smooth plastics, shiny plastics, rough plastics, and even dull plastics are all available.
Design - The most luxurious variation of the staple remover. Newer, more ergonomically-designed staple removers have become de rigeur for the jet-setting young executive who spends an inordinate amount of time removing staples.
Note that any of the above factors may affect the price of staple remover, but rarely to the point that it will fall outside of a given office-supply budget.
Availability
Having had the staple remover thoroughly explained to you, you are doubtless enchanted by this little plastic-and-metal mistress, and want one immediately. Don't fret! They are readily available in virtually any office supply store, rarely cost more than $3.00, and may be purchased without any sort of license or permit.
