Wonky Screenplay
Created | Updated Jan 28, 2002
*I wrote this ages ago, and have not even looked at it again. There might be a germ of an idea of use in here, but I will not be surprised or upset if vast amounts gets changed. SO snipe away :-) *
Refuse of the Rich and Famous
a screenplay copyright Brian "Munchkin" Milton 1996
Scene 1
(Opens on a very long scarf. Pan along to end where it is being held by someone in hat and coat (not necessarily me). At this point the director (looking as much like Spielberg as possible) bursts on to the scene.)
Dir: Noooo way I ain't doing a Dr. Who rip off. You shove off and watch some sad video or other.
Man: Oh...but..Hmph!
Dir: Now then lets have a tale of simple city folk. How about them over there? OK Bob point and shoot
Off cam: Bang! Urgh Thud
Dir: Not at the soundman..fool! Give me the camera.
(Cam sweeps round to see three people walking down the road. They are having that standard sad sci-fi talk about how they could quite easily have defeated the rebels, so long as no-one pointed a camera at them.)
Dan: Look I'll prove it to you.
(He pulls out a water pistol and dives behind some bins)
Right on you go, just sneak up the street looking heroic.
(The other two do this and look quite surprised when Dan fails to shoot them)
Lynquist Froon (known as Lyn): What's wrong?
Dan: Oh it's that blasted camera. See what I mean.
(Fwing wanders out of an alley, spies the group and approaches)
Fwing: Hello my fine gentlemen and lady. How would you like to take part in an epic adventure of a mind blowing proportion?
Dan: Eh?
Fwing: I would of course reimburse you to the tune of Auld Lang Syne, sorry fifty pounds.
Lyn: Well I'm up for it
Other: Er ok. (To cam) I would just like to point out that I only actually said that to try and prevent myself being one of those extras with no lines who dies early on.
Fwing: Smashing. Now your names please?
Dan: Well I'm Dan, this is Lyn and this is (Interrupted by guy in Blake's 7 outfit running through group)
Fwing: The cheek of it. I have your number. Anyway, time is of the essence, with a little sage and parsley. Ha Ha Humph, yes well let us off
(Group follows Fwing into alley, other at tale)
Other: Damn nearly found out
(Three goons then leap out of a different alley and grab a passer by, dragging them off)
Scene 2
(Group troop out and look of cam)
Fwing: That's my ship
Dan: Blimey, now that's impressive, pity we don't have any special effects to show it but there you go
Other: My gob has been smacked clean out of the back of my head.
Lyn: It's not bad
Fwing: Come let us kit up
Scene 3
(Walking opposite way. Should all be kited out with as much hi-tech looking gubbins as possible)
Dan: And the next time you pick up some hi-tech thing kindly ask how it works before pointing it in my general direction, shouting bang and pulling the trigger
Other I was only having a laugh
Dan: Yes well, I don't need an egg whisk in my face thank you. It could have been anything.
Lyn: Anyway Bob, while you are in your intergalactic crime fighting guise would you mind telling us who we are fighting
Fwing: He is a nefarious mastermind and scourge of eight planets and his name is Neewon Blook
Scene 4
Blook: (Straight to cam) That's me
(Pull out to show Blook's lair. Have people scurrying around looking efficient)
Blook: Come my mind warped zombies from beyond the stars. Let us set my nefarious plan in action. No. 3 bring the test sample here would you.
No. 3: (Saluting) Sir
(He brings in kidnapee while Blook fiddle with a bizarre helmet)
No. 3: Sir?
Blook: Hmm?
No. 3: Prisoner sir.
Blook: Oh thanks. No. 7i...No. 7i? Where is that No. 7i?
No. 3: Er he's not real sir
Blook: Oh yes, just a bad joke. No. 9 bring in the gas
(No. 9 does so, placing a mask over the tests face as Blook puts the helmet on)
Blook: Ah superb. It works. No.3, in future kindly kidnap someone with a less smutty mind.
No. 3: Er yes sir.
Blook: You can get rid of the rubbish now.
N0. 3: Very good sir
(He exits with the now limp kidnapee)
Scene 5
Lyn: Anything else you want to tell us?
Fwing: In good time my little people, but first we must break in to Blooks Headquarters and confront him in the dramatically appropriate way.
Dan: And where would that be? Cunningly hid in an undersea base that is blatantly obvious to anyone with a sonar kit? Or perhaps next door to the alien menace from Rigel 3 and across the road from UNIT?
Fwing: You know I am beginning to think that you don't entirely believe me.
Dan: You don't say
Fwing: Yes well this way
(Group wanders down road. At one point Other takes out something very plastic looking and waves it in the general direction of some bins. They fly backwards rather noisily causing Dan to drop to the ground and Fwing to smack Other painfully around the ear. They then continue on. Eventually come to an ordinary door)
Fwing: This is us. Now all I've got to do is work out the lock.(He then spend ages trying to fiddle the lock with all sorts of hi-tech gubbins before Lyn pushes it open. At this point a guy in a Blake 7 outfit runs out knocking them flying)
Dan: What was that?
Other: A running joke
Fwing: This has been a public service announcement for the hard of thinking
Other: It's not a very good gag is it? He's only appeared twice and not exactly for very long
Dan: Hmm. Got a point there
Fwing: Anyway let us off, we have a planet to save.
(Fwing enters the door with somewhat of a flourish, followed by the rest looking confused)
Scene 6
(Back in Blooks lair. A number of goons are loading some large device with little canisters. Others are to be seen fiddling with various controls.)
Blook: No.6!
Said Goon: Sir
Blook: I believe our guests are now in the building. Kindly ensure that they get here at the correct moment
Said Goon: As you wish sir
(He scurries out)
Blook: How am I supposed to bring about the return of a god and the humiliation of one of the more irritating busybodies in the universe if he can't turn up on time? If things weren't going so well I would contemplate being slightly peeved, Anyway
(He walks over to some controls, fiddles about for a bit and then turns to the nearest goon)
Blook: Initiate phase C if you would be so kind, my good man
Scene 7
(Our heroes are walking down a corridor when No.6 pops up, throws a custard pie at Fwing and then legs it round the corner, hotly pursued by the group)
Fwing: Right, your phlanges ain't going to survive the day my little nameless goon.
(They all pile through a door into a featureless room, the door closes behind them and they hear it lock)
Lyn: Where the hell did he go?
Dan: He must have gone through a secret door. (He begins to search the walls) I can't find anything
Fwing: There are stranger things on Mercury
Dan: Pardon! Was that supposed to be useful?
Fwing: No, just padding
Other: Time for the violence option obviously (He pulls out one of his guns)
Fwing: No!
Other: Argh! (He throws the gun out of his hand and collapses to the ground in pain)
Fwing: Blook is far too cunning to let us use our weapons in his headquarters
Dan: What the hell did we bring them for then?
Fwing: Well I have every intention of mucking around in the control room. Then your friend will be able to shoot things to his hearts content.
Lyn: But we can't while we are stuck here
Fwing: Haven't you seen any Sci-fi on T.V. We will be taken to the control room so that Blook can gloat for a while. It always happens.
(Fade out and back in)
Dan: We have been here for four hours now. I fear you were wrong
Fwing: It is puzzling I will admit
(Click, the door swings open)
Fwing: Aha, we are called, come my friends the explanation beckons
(They wander down various corridors before getting to Blook's abode o'excitement)
Blook: Ah my guests. I hope I find you in good health?
Fwing: Well apart from being covered in badly smelling cream I'm fine. And yourself?
Blook: Oh fascinating as a frinkle
Fwing: So how about a plot explanation
Blook: Well as you no doubt have sussed I wish to carry out plan Iota
(Fwing nods, understanding, Lyn looks shocked)
Lyn: Oh, by the great lord Dinky's wellingtons
Blook: Yes, I shall create the god-mind out of the human race and then guide it as my tool. And nothing you can do can stop me.
Fwing: Now why would you say that Blook?
Blook: Well if you would care to note the time, I have kept you out of the way so long that you must return to work.
Fwing: Oh pharp! Sorry kids must dash. The Cyming Cleansing Department doesn't tolerate lateness amongst it's workers. Oh well, you cant win them all. Byeee
(Dashes out as Blook cackles happily)
Dan: What the hell?
Blook: Your friend is late for work. Can you believe it, a bin man who thinks he can save the universe. But only on his afternoons off. Stupid or what
Dan: Would someone kindly explain who the hell he was?
Blook: His name is Bob Fwing and he is a refuse collector on Borus 9. He has read just one too many comic serials and now believes that he can right every wrong using nothing but what he can salvage from peoples bins. If he hadn't caused me so much jip I wo
uld have written him off as merely tragically dense
(Lyn sidles over to a console, flicks a few switches)
Lyn: The field is down, the guns work
(Fires in general direction of goons to prove it. They flee)
Lyn: Now then Blook, stop this now
Blook: Terribly sorry, it was put on automatic hours ago. Even as we speak rockets are being fired into the upper atmosphere all round the planet. As I believe I have already said, nothing can stop me
Lyn: We'll see (She fires, nothing happens)
Blook: Personnel field my dear girl, personal field. May I suggest you run. My goons should return soon, armed
Lyn: Sod. Dan, you come with me while you stay and guard our backs
Other: Eh?
Lyn: Shoot at the goons
Other: Yes! Heroic death fest!
(Goons pile through the door and begin shooting, other fires back with glee)
Lyn: (Grabs Dan) Come on you fool (They run)
Blook: (Placing bizarre helmet on head) Here begins the birth of the most terrible and powerful force that the galaxy has seen, and it's mine to command
Scene 8
(Lyn and Dan pile into a radio room)
Dan: What is going on?
Lyn: In a minute, just watch the door and shoot anything that gets near (to radio mike) This is Lynquist Froon of the Bleen Enforcers Corp. calling any Corp. ship in the region. This is a code nine-epsilon emergency. Request immediate aide. If you do not re
ach here within one hour you must carry out solution t. But not before picking me up please. I repeat. This is Lynquist Froon of the BEC calling any Corp. ship in the region. This is a code nine-epsilon eme.. oh bugger
(Before this point there should be an exchange of fire off cam. Now Dan Clutches his head and drops)
Dan: I can feel it...inside my skull... we are joined...we will soon be complete
(Optional Scene 8a to be inserted here if you feel like it)
(Dan collapses, Lyn picks up a gun and dashes out firing at figures down the hall in masks. Runs out of the building into street to find as many people as possible either collapsed or staggering with their hands to their heads. Should have blokey in Blake 7 standing in the middle and shouting teleport at his wrist)
Scene 9
(Bridge of a space ship, various people busy at controls. Lyn dashes on and runs up to Captain)
Lyn: Quick we must use solution t.
Capt.: But to destroy a whole race. We can't
Lyn: Their new form will quite happily mop the universe with us. Now Captain
Capt.: Very well, Lirz are the cannons ready
Lirz: Yes sir
Capt.: Okay, fire
(What we really want is to see the earth explode. Perhaps could have a big bang off cam and a shot of the Capt. and Lyn looking shocked/depressed)
Scene 10
(Blook, still in head gear, looking triumphant)
Blook: Very nearly Miss Froon but not quite. I may not have acquired all of the planets energies but I did get a fair welly. I believe the phrase is, Your cards marked milady
The End
Optional Scene 8A
(Time for a bit of psychedelia. As Dan begins to mumble fade to a view of a park, man pointing into the sky.)
Man: Are those rockets?
Cam: They're producing gas
(Fade to a street, women holding the camera as if she is talking to someone)
Women: Are you OK?
Cam: I can hear voices in my head
Fade and wobble, perhaps lots of quick shots of people saying various inane things like "I've bought a new car", "The square of the hypotenuse" etc. Throughout all this should hear a voice say "Union Union Union" getting louder and louder until it is shout
ed. Then switch straight back to Dan collapsing.)
Refuse of the Rich and Famous
a screenplay copyright Brian "Munchkin" Milton 1996
Scene 1
(Opens on a very long scarf. Pan along to end where it is being held by someone in hat and coat (not necessarily me). At this point the director (looking as much like Spielberg as possible) bursts on to the scene.)
Dir: Noooo way I ain't doing a Dr. Who rip off. You shove off and watch some sad video or other.
Man: Oh...but..Hmph!
Dir: Now then lets have a tale of simple city folk. How about them over there? OK Bob point and shoot
Off cam: Bang! Urgh Thud
Dir: Not at the soundman..fool! Give me the camera.
(Cam sweeps round to see three people walking down the road. They are having that standard sad sci-fi talk about how they could quite easily have defeated the rebels, so long as no-one pointed a camera at them.)
Dan: Look I'll prove it to you.
(He pulls out a water pistol and dives behind some bins)
Right on you go, just sneak up the street looking heroic.
(The other two do this and look quite surprised when Dan fails to shoot them)
Lynquist Froon (known as Lyn): What's wrong?
Dan: Oh it's that blasted camera. See what I mean.
(Fwing wanders out of an alley, spies the group and approaches)
Fwing: Hello my fine gentlemen and lady. How would you like to take part in an epic adventure of a mind blowing proportion?
Dan: Eh?
Fwing: I would of course reimburse you to the tune of Auld Lang Syne, sorry fifty pounds.
Lyn: Well I'm up for it
Other: Er ok. (To cam) I would just like to point out that I only actually said that to try and prevent myself being one of those extras with no lines who dies early on.
Fwing: Smashing. Now your names please?
Dan: Well I'm Dan, this is Lyn and this is (Interrupted by guy in Blake's 7 outfit running through group)
Fwing: The cheek of it. I have your number. Anyway, time is of the essence, with a little sage and parsley. Ha Ha Humph, yes well let us off
(Group follows Fwing into alley, other at tale)
Other: Damn nearly found out
(Three goons then leap out of a different alley and grab a passer by, dragging them off)
Scene 2
(Group troop out and look of cam)
Fwing: That's my ship
Dan: Blimey, now that's impressive, pity we don't have any special effects to show it but there you go
Other: My gob has been smacked clean out of the back of my head.
Lyn: It's not bad
Fwing: Come let us kit up
Scene 3
(Walking opposite way. Should all be kited out with as much hi-tech looking gubbins as possible)
Dan: And the next time you pick up some hi-tech thing kindly ask how it works before pointing it in my general direction, shouting bang and pulling the trigger
Other I was only having a laugh
Dan: Yes well, I don't need an egg whisk in my face thank you. It could have been anything.
Lyn: Anyway Bob, while you are in your intergalactic crime fighting guise would you mind telling us who we are fighting
Fwing: He is a nefarious mastermind and scourge of eight planets and his name is Neewon Blook
Scene 4
Blook: (Straight to cam) That's me
(Pull out to show Blook's lair. Have people scurrying around looking efficient)
Blook: Come my mind warped zombies from beyond the stars. Let us set my nefarious plan in action. No. 3 bring the test sample here would you.
No. 3: (Saluting) Sir
(He brings in kidnapee while Blook fiddle with a bizarre helmet)
No. 3: Sir?
Blook: Hmm?
No. 3: Prisoner sir.
Blook: Oh thanks. No. 7i...No. 7i? Where is that No. 7i?
No. 3: Er he's not real sir
Blook: Oh yes, just a bad joke. No. 9 bring in the gas
(No. 9 does so, placing a mask over the tests face as Blook puts the helmet on)
Blook: Ah superb. It works. No.3, in future kindly kidnap someone with a less smutty mind.
No. 3: Er yes sir.
Blook: You can get rid of the rubbish now.
N0. 3: Very good sir
(He exits with the now limp kidnapee)
Scene 5
Lyn: Anything else you want to tell us?
Fwing: In good time my little people, but first we must break in to Blooks Headquarters and confront him in the dramatically appropriate way.
Dan: And where would that be? Cunningly hid in an undersea base that is blatantly obvious to anyone with a sonar kit? Or perhaps next door to the alien menace from Rigel 3 and across the road from UNIT?
Fwing: You know I am beginning to think that you don't entirely believe me.
Dan: You don't say
Fwing: Yes well this way
(Group wanders down road. At one point Other takes out something very plastic looking and waves it in the general direction of some bins. They fly backwards rather noisily causing Dan to drop to the ground and Fwing to smack Other painfully around the ear. They then continue on. Eventually come to an ordinary door)
Fwing: This is us. Now all I've got to do is work out the lock.(He then spend ages trying to fiddle the lock with all sorts of hi-tech gubbins before Lyn pushes it open. At this point a guy in a Blake 7 outfit runs out knocking them flying)
Dan: What was that?
Other: A running joke
Fwing: This has been a public service announcement for the hard of thinking
Other: It's not a very good gag is it? He's only appeared twice and not exactly for very long
Dan: Hmm. Got a point there
Fwing: Anyway let us off, we have a planet to save.
(Fwing enters the door with somewhat of a flourish, followed by the rest looking confused)
Scene 6
(Back in Blooks lair. A number of goons are loading some large device with little canisters. Others are to be seen fiddling with various controls.)
Blook: No.6!
Said Goon: Sir
Blook: I believe our guests are now in the building. Kindly ensure that they get here at the correct moment
Said Goon: As you wish sir
(He scurries out)
Blook: How am I supposed to bring about the return of a god and the humiliation of one of the more irritating busybodies in the universe if he can't turn up on time? If things weren't going so well I would contemplate being slightly peeved, Anyway
(He walks over to some controls, fiddles about for a bit and then turns to the nearest goon)
Blook: Initiate phase C if you would be so kind, my good man
Scene 7
(Our heroes are walking down a corridor when No.6 pops up, throws a custard pie at Fwing and then legs it round the corner, hotly pursued by the group)
Fwing: Right, your phlanges ain't going to survive the day my little nameless goon.
(They all pile through a door into a featureless room, the door closes behind them and they hear it lock)
Lyn: Where the hell did he go?
Dan: He must have gone through a secret door. (He begins to search the walls) I can't find anything
Fwing: There are stranger things on Mercury
Dan: Pardon! Was that supposed to be useful?
Fwing: No, just padding
Other: Time for the violence option obviously (He pulls out one of his guns)
Fwing: No!
Other: Argh! (He throws the gun out of his hand and collapses to the ground in pain)
Fwing: Blook is far too cunning to let us use our weapons in his headquarters
Dan: What the hell did we bring them for then?
Fwing: Well I have every intention of mucking around in the control room. Then your friend will be able to shoot things to his hearts content.
Lyn: But we can't while we are stuck here
Fwing: Haven't you seen any Sci-fi on T.V. We will be taken to the control room so that Blook can gloat for a while. It always happens.
(Fade out and back in)
Dan: We have been here for four hours now. I fear you were wrong
Fwing: It is puzzling I will admit
(Click, the door swings open)
Fwing: Aha, we are called, come my friends the explanation beckons
(They wander down various corridors before getting to Blook's abode o'excitement)
Blook: Ah my guests. I hope I find you in good health?
Fwing: Well apart from being covered in badly smelling cream I'm fine. And yourself?
Blook: Oh fascinating as a frinkle
Fwing: So how about a plot explanation
Blook: Well as you no doubt have sussed I wish to carry out plan Iota
(Fwing nods, understanding, Lyn looks shocked)
Lyn: Oh, by the great lord Dinky's wellingtons
Blook: Yes, I shall create the god-mind out of the human race and then guide it as my tool. And nothing you can do can stop me.
Fwing: Now why would you say that Blook?
Blook: Well if you would care to note the time, I have kept you out of the way so long that you must return to work.
Fwing: Oh pharp! Sorry kids must dash. The Cyming Cleansing Department doesn't tolerate lateness amongst it's workers. Oh well, you cant win them all. Byeee
(Dashes out as Blook cackles happily)
Dan: What the hell?
Blook: Your friend is late for work. Can you believe it, a bin man who thinks he can save the universe. But only on his afternoons off. Stupid or what
Dan: Would someone kindly explain who the hell he was?
Blook: His name is Bob Fwing and he is a refuse collector on Borus 9. He has read just one too many comic serials and now believes that he can right every wrong using nothing but what he can salvage from peoples bins. If he hadn't caused me so much jip I wo
uld have written him off as merely tragically dense
(Lyn sidles over to a console, flicks a few switches)
Lyn: The field is down, the guns work
(Fires in general direction of goons to prove it. They flee)
Lyn: Now then Blook, stop this now
Blook: Terribly sorry, it was put on automatic hours ago. Even as we speak rockets are being fired into the upper atmosphere all round the planet. As I believe I have already said, nothing can stop me
Lyn: We'll see (She fires, nothing happens)
Blook: Personnel field my dear girl, personal field. May I suggest you run. My goons should return soon, armed
Lyn: Sod. Dan, you come with me while you stay and guard our backs
Other: Eh?
Lyn: Shoot at the goons
Other: Yes! Heroic death fest!
(Goons pile through the door and begin shooting, other fires back with glee)
Lyn: (Grabs Dan) Come on you fool (They run)
Blook: (Placing bizarre helmet on head) Here begins the birth of the most terrible and powerful force that the galaxy has seen, and it's mine to command
Scene 8
(Lyn and Dan pile into a radio room)
Dan: What is going on?
Lyn: In a minute, just watch the door and shoot anything that gets near (to radio mike) This is Lynquist Froon of the Bleen Enforcers Corp. calling any Corp. ship in the region. This is a code nine-epsilon emergency. Request immediate aide. If you do not re
ach here within one hour you must carry out solution t. But not before picking me up please. I repeat. This is Lynquist Froon of the BEC calling any Corp. ship in the region. This is a code nine-epsilon eme.. oh bugger
(Before this point there should be an exchange of fire off cam. Now Dan Clutches his head and drops)
Dan: I can feel it...inside my skull... we are joined...we will soon be complete
(Optional Scene 8a to be inserted here if you feel like it)
(Dan collapses, Lyn picks up a gun and dashes out firing at figures down the hall in masks. Runs out of the building into street to find as many people as possible either collapsed or staggering with their hands to their heads. Should have blokey in Blake 7 standing in the middle and shouting teleport at his wrist)
Scene 9
(Bridge of a space ship, various people busy at controls. Lyn dashes on and runs up to Captain)
Lyn: Quick we must use solution t.
Capt.: But to destroy a whole race. We can't
Lyn: Their new form will quite happily mop the universe with us. Now Captain
Capt.: Very well, Lirz are the cannons ready
Lirz: Yes sir
Capt.: Okay, fire
(What we really want is to see the earth explode. Perhaps could have a big bang off cam and a shot of the Capt. and Lyn looking shocked/depressed)
Scene 10
(Blook, still in head gear, looking triumphant)
Blook: Very nearly Miss Froon but not quite. I may not have acquired all of the planets energies but I did get a fair welly. I believe the phrase is, Your cards marked milady
The End
Optional Scene 8A
(Time for a bit of psychedelia. As Dan begins to mumble fade to a view of a park, man pointing into the sky.)
Man: Are those rockets?
Cam: They're producing gas
(Fade to a street, women holding the camera as if she is talking to someone)
Women: Are you OK?
Cam: I can hear voices in my head
Fade and wobble, perhaps lots of quick shots of people saying various inane things like "I've bought a new car", "The square of the hypotenuse" etc. Throughout all this should hear a voice say "Union Union Union" getting louder and louder until it is shout
ed. Then switch straight back to Dan collapsing.)
