While looking rather easy to navigate at first, many tourists find a way to lose themselves very quickly and efficiently in the NYC transit system. As it is, there are currently over 400 miles of track in the subway system, which makes the NYC subway the biggest in the world. The bus routes are increasingly arbitrary and have no real relevance to actual population flow. There are only a few rules to remember to successfully navigate the bus and train routes, lines, transfers, traffic, and delays with a minimum of physical injury and wasted time (well, at least physical injury).

An Abridged History of the Subway

New York City's (and Manhattan's especially) road plan was meant for buildings no taller than three stories tall, as any more would cause an extremely large traffic jam on street level. Since then, that rule was thrown out a fourth story window, and New York's roads have been jammed permanently until today. Around 1904, The companies in charge decided that above-ground lines were far too ugly to be profitable, and started on the subways. In contrast to London's underground, New York's subways were created using a "cut and cover" method, where in a effort to lessen traffic on the streets, the streets were simply removed. Also, the system was originally made by individual companies, so all subway lines but one are either going in to or out of lower Manhattan. The G line is the only exception, and is today the slowest and most inefficient line in the city. There were three companies: the Inter-boro Rapid Transit, which accounts for all the numbered trains, the INDependent, which is basically lines A through G, and the Brooklyn Manhattan Transit, which is J through Z.

Missing Numbers and Letters

One look at the current subway map notes some skipped numbers and letters. You can easily see the 1 through 7 and 9 lines, but no 8? A through G, J, L and on, but no H, I, or K? These were long since abandoned lines: The 8 line paralleled the D and the 5 in the Bronx. The H line followed the A line into Far Rockaway. The K line followed th B until it reached the Williamsburg Bridge, where it then followed the J line. In some languages, I and J are interchangable as the same letter. These lines were abandoned because they were redundant to the existing lines today. It's just something to think about when next you get lost.

Transfers

The only reason to mention the three companies is because of the hap-hazard way in which the transfers are set up. To transfer from the A train to the E train is as simple as crossing the platform. To transfer from the A train to the R train is a long and arduous affair that involves an unending loop of misleading signs and lack of public toilets. The perfect example of this is 42nd Street Times Square. The transfer from the A train to the N is through a hall that is three avenue-sized blocks long, down a flight of stairs, up an escalator, passing the S train platform, and down another flight of stairs. To go from the N to the 7 means going down 4 ramps, down a flight of stairs, across a third of the length of the 1 train platform, and down another two flights of stairs, only to hear that service is halted due to construction on the tracks and that it was better to take the N anyway¹. So far, the only successful journeys are by those who have already taken the trip.

For this reason, one must either take caution before taken the trip, or try not to switch companies. This is incredibly easy if you are going into or out of lower Manhattan, as by the time one reaches the East Village, SoHo, or Chelsea the subway stops are at an average of 4-6 blocks apart. If one goes from a spot other than lower Manhattan to a spot other than lower Manhattan, problems are afoot.

The G train is a perfect example of travel from a non-Manhattan borough to another. Most people trying to get from the Bronx to Queens to Brooklyn must go through lower Manhattan so finish their trip. The G train is slow, inefficient, and more often than not, skips transfer stops rather ambivalently. No bus line ever goes from borough to borough, unless Manhattan is one of them.

Commuter Express Lines

If the number or letter of a train is surrounded by a diamond, any tourists aboard will always get lost. The simple thing to do is to avoid such trains at all costs. Those trains switch lines, skip stations, and generally cause havoc for the non-subway-savvy. luckily, some of the lines can be avoided entirely, such as the 5 line, or the C line.

Stations to Avoid

There are two stations to avoid at all costs, unless masochism is your forte:

34th Street Penn Station: This is a weird one. The express and local trains are not within easy access of each other. To transfer from downtown to uptown, you go across the platform. To go from local to express or vice versa, like most rational people do, involves a mad dash down and up a flight of stairs. I would say to transfer at 42nd Street Times Square, but you don't want that trouble either. To exit the 34th Street station, one must navigate the largest train station in New York City: Penn(sylvania) Station. That is an experience in and of itself. If you must exit at 34th street, be sure to be in the rear of the train if you're going downtown (or front, or you're going uptown), as that is the least painful exit.

42nd Street Times Square: This is the most expansive and pointless subway station in the system. This really should be three stations. The A, C, and E trains are on one end, and exit into Port Authority Bus Terminal (not quite as difficult as Penn Station). The 1, 2, 3, 7, and 9 are in the middle, separated from the IND lines by a three avenue-sized block length, and by the BMT lines by a veritable maze of escalators, ramps, staircases, and angry commuters. The N, R, and S are off on the opposite corner, barred off by constant and random closings and openings of entrances. Basically, only use this appalling connection if you are not going to diverge from the station you ended up in.

Murphy's Law and Train Schedules

There is a schedule for all train and bus lines, spacing each at around fifteen minutes away from each other. It is common practice to ignore these, as they are meant to deceive. The best description of the trains and buses' actual schedule would be that of Murphy's Law². Here are some examples:

• Don't be fooled by the thought of catching an express train and saving time. Always grab the train that's moving. Of you choose the express over the local, inevitably the express train will wait ten minutes while the local train makes record time.



• If you just get to a bus stop on time for the next bus, it arrived two minutes ago. If you are two minutes early, it will get a flat tire two stops from you. If you wait two stops up the route, you can rest assured that the bus didn't leave the depot.



• If you miss the bus, the bus will use its secret super-charged nitro-glyceron thrusters to achieve warp factor 3 to outrun you to the next stop, but first it will wait at the intersection twelve feet from the bus stop for four minutes³.



• If you need to get somewhere at a specific time, the train will be late. If you decide to wait and get the train, to make up for the time, the train will skip your destination stop. This is almost inevitable if it's rush hour.

Public Address Systems

The PA system is widely known for its being unintelligable. After a lengthened study, the noise coming out of the speakers have been deciphered as informative statements that one needs to know. The problem is that they start out in English, then trail off into some language known only to transit workers. Most tourists and New Yorkers can definately benefit from the translations:

• The 1 train is mmm mm m mmm m mmmmm mmmm mmm - the train you are waiting for is within two stops.



• The A train will be mmmm mmm mmm mmm mm mmmm mmm - the train is delayed because (1) it hit something or someone, (2) there's a train in the way, (3) construction on the tracks, or (4) a power failure has occurred somewhere in the system (it doesn't matter where). The actual cause is irrelevant, as it always takes ten minutes to fix.



• Please mmmm mmm m mmmmmm mmmmm - the train will not move as long as you're in it.



• mmm mm mmmm mmm mmmmm mm mmm⁴ - if you're on the train, get off at the next stop. This can be deciphered as a warning that the train will skip your stop. If you're not on the train, you can be sure the next train that comes is going to skip your stop. If you are unsure of the meaning of the message, look on the faces of your fellow passengers. If they turn from marginally evil to outright homicidal, then you know the train will skip a stop.

Subway Etiquette

• Holding Doors - This is accepted and common, as the conductor will always re-open the doors. The only problem with doing such a thing is that the longer you hold them open, the more likely your destination stop will get skipped, and the more likely your person will come to physical harm.



• Ignoring Neighbors - You may not make eye contact or even look at anybody throughout the entire trip. This becomes rather difficult during rush hour when you get sardined for upwards of an hour in an immobile train. Sometimes you must stare at the same advertisement or a spot on the ceiling until you blank out. No solution that is beneficial to your health has been found.



• Pan-Handlers and Beggars - Sometimes, a homeless person will come aboard and threaten to complain about life, the universe, and everything until you pay him to stop. This is a minor problem, because he usually has to yell above all the local New Yorkers who are also complaining about life, the universe, and everything. If he does manage to do so, a walkman comes in handy.



• Walkmen - Walkmen are very useful in your travels. You can drown out the neighboring commuters and homeless beggars, and get extra leg room in the meantime. The only thing that can counter the walkman is another walkman. By definition, walkmen counter each other out. If you need to get by a person with a walkman, you are out of luck. Possible physical injury can result from the overuse of your walkman. If you were to play it loudly long enough, even the most kind old ladies will have some choice words for you.



• Loud Campaigning - In the 1976 NYC Subway guidebook, CEO of the Metropolitan Transit Authority David L. Yunich made some profound statements on the subject of subway etiquette:
  
  "Never talk politics in the cars - it is usually disagreeable to some of your fellow travellers⁵."
  
  "Never talk loud while the train is in motion; it may not annoy any one, but it will injure your lungs⁶."
  
  And whatever you do, don't talk about politics loudly, as you will incur the wrath of everyone else in your car, if not start some war over idealism. But, if that's what you're looking for, bring some padding.

Bus Etiquette

The bus is the only way to get around once you leave Manhattan. There is only one useful train line in Queens (7), and therefore the last station in Flushing has over twenty bus lines connected. There is no way to buy a MetroCard once you leave a populated area. Luckily the buses accept change, which leads to our first rule:

• Exact Fare - Not having exact fare is like giving a $20 bill to a toll booth attendant. It's suicidal. You hold up the bus, piss off the riders and the driver, and there is no conceivable way of begging the driver to give you a free fare.



• One Stop Rule - Never take a bus one stop, unless that is, you want to hear a diverse mix of American insults. NYC is one of two walkable cities in America⁷, and people don't like if the bus has to make a special stop for you.



• Air-Conditioning and Overheating - This goes for subways as well. It is inevitable that of the temperature gets over 80 f or 23 c, the air-conditioning will fail. In the bus and the subway, you are expected to mutter unintelligably under your breath and go on. The problem is: when the air-conditioning fails, so does the bus. Walk. You can reach four miles in the outer boroughs and seven in Manhattan on foot before the next bus comes. People don't realize this, but you can outrun a bus in Manhattan walking at a leisurely pace.

The One Main Golden Rule

The one main golden rule to not getting in trouble is: If it's rational, it's too good to be true. You wouldn't think that the local is faster than the express, but more often than not, it is. You wouldn't think that in a station where 12 train lines cater that the announcement is directed solely to your train, and will affect you detrimentally, but it is and it does. All you have to do is say to yourself: "Does this make sense? If I were in charge, would I do this? Can my current dilemma be solved in the near future?" If the answer is "no", you're on the right track (no pun intended).