That's right! This is the Great Breakup Page!

Welcome to my Breakup Page. As some of you may or may not know, I met the love of my life, Andrew Baker, just over a year ago. Over this past year we've grown, loved, traveled, made plans, been sweet, and now, we've broken up. To be more precise, he left me. Because the people that know me and love me worry about me, I've decided to create a page where I can answer everyone's questions all at once.

Um..... Have you cracked?

Ha ha. No, but I can see how you might think that. Sitting here, two days after I got the boot, I've come to a decision. I have two choices:

1. I could comfortably become a recluse and hide in my room and cry for six or seven months and then kind of put it back together or

2. I can deal with it the healthiest way possible, which is to stare the ickyness right in the face. Admit that it's one of the worst things that's ever happened to me and that my heart's broken and it hurts. Go on crying jags, and feel empty and get better.

This page might help me do that

What the fun happened?

Well, let's make this short. My job turned me down for a transfer because these days it's too hard to acquire a work visa from the UK government. New jobs over in the UK turned me down for the same reason. The most frustrating part of that is that the visa is the only reason I was turned down.

I went into the British Consulate here in Chicago and they told me I should get a working holiday visa. This visa would let me live in London for two years and work part time. They gave me the paperwork and told me how to go about it, and while it wasn't ideal, it would get me there and that was good enough for me and Andy. Three months later when I actually applied for the visa is when they informed me I was ineligible. Apparently you have to be a commonwealth member to be eligible. The Consulate could not tell me why they mislead me and had no new insights or options.

I had to call Andy and pose a question I never would have asked if it hadn't come down to the wire. I said, basically, that we would have to get married or wait for another year until I could go to school in London. He panicked (which didn't surprise me) and said no. Later, he considered it again, and said no again. Being unable to marry me (which I must admit, was a little confusing considering the plans we'd made) the prospect of waiting for another year ate at him viciously, which leads us to...

What is up with that fool?

Well, his parents were divorced messily. He has a phobia about marriage. I didn't mean to push the question on him now because I doubted he could handle it, but I really didn't have a choice. His turning me down didn't really surprise me... his dumping me did.

Ever since our plans changed he's been wavering back and forth about how he feels about the relationship. Last Saturday we had a fight, he brought up leaving and I flipped out. I don't have a whole lot of inflexible demands when it comes to a relationship, but the other person not leaving me is one of them. It was an unpleasant talk and it made me very angry. Only a few weeks ago he'd promised to stick it out and here he was calmly discussing dumping me. To be honest, I lost it.

Those of you that know me know when I lose it it gets lost. It was not a pretty argument.

He told me he'd talk to me on Sunday and hung up. He didn't call Sunday (very unlike him) and so I called him on Monday morning to apologize for flipping out so thoroughly and try and explain myself. I could tell the moment I called that something was different. I pushed him and he admitted that it was over.

His story is that when he was forced to choose whether or not to marry me, and he knew he wouldn't (couldn't, whatever) that something changed. A wall went up in his mind and it wouldn't come down. He meant it, he wouldn't change his mind, it was over. Interspersed in this was all sorts of "It's not you it's me" and "It has nothing to do with how I feel about you". Standard dump fare.

Hysterical, I went over to my friend Lisa's and talked to her for awhile. Unable to believe it, I called him back just to check once more. He confirmed it again. Hard, unmoving. It's really over, he's really not coming back, he really doesn't want me and can't see us together and happy. He was adamant, so I hung up. There wasn't a lot more to be said really.

Ouch! How did Krissy feel about the relationship?

Okay, my philosophy on love is that it's the best thing there ever was. When I said that I would marry him and have his children I was not kidding. I know what you're thinking, "Wow. Marriage at 24. How could anyone possibly know what it's about when they're 24?" Well, I'll tell you what I think it is, and you can tell me if I'm too Disneyfied.

I don't believe that marriage is a perfect institution:

1. - People do not change for other people and whatever flaws your partner has when you marry them, they will most likely have 20 years from now. Also, the stuff that you think is cute now will most likely make you want to strangle the person in a minimum of 5 years or so.

2. - The payoff for a relationship is not the beginning, the turmoil is fun and confusing but it's not always comfortable. The payoff is not when you're 35 and you look around and realize this is the moment when you have your last chance to be young and single and date. The payoff is when you're 60 or 65. The kids are off to college and don't need supervision. There is suddenly time to travel, look around, and fall in love again. You can look at the person next to you and realize they have been through all the crap with you, and loved you enough to hang around. That's when the warm fuzzies start. That's when life all of a sudden gets really really special, but you have to go through all the crap to get there.

3. - When you say "For better or for worse", you have to be prepared for the fact that the day after your wedding the other person may be in an accident and become a quadriplegic and live for another 30 to 50 years needing you every day. I believe in this. I believe in always being there for someone through, flood, addiction, cancer, whatever. ¹ I am mentally prepared to weather whatever life throws with the man that I marry.

4. - Infidelity is an interesting thing. I wanted to marry a jazz musician. I'm not stupid or blind. Repeated cheating is the sign of a weightier problem, and it's never pretty even once, but drunken stupidity happens. I was prepared to scream and cry and carry on for awhile, but then to forgive him ².

5. - I believe in remaining yourself, no matter how firmly you bond with the other person. In a relationship, two halves do not make a whole, two whole people make a couple. I believe that growth and development should happen individually for both people, and I believe that the other person should be included and informed of that growth as much as possible.

6. - Primarily, I don't believe that a promise to be true to someone is a binding or limiting thing, I believe it's a very freeing enterprise. You are free to be fully yourself and still count on someone's love. I was a player for six years. Andy was my first monogamous relationship in a very long time. I know how much fun fun is, and how hollow it can become. Denying yourself marriage (or your personal equivalent) isn't the benefit some people would have you think it is. You miss out on most of the best parts of life.

This is what I wanted with Andy. For me it's not really that complex. I was in love with him, he proved over and over again to me that he could be trusted, he'd surrounded himself with good people (a good clue as to someone's character), he included me, he was smart, funny, good looking, excitable, young and lots and lots of fun. As far as I was concerned, I was done looking.

Krissy's feelings on the massive and vicious dumping

Well, I was shocked. There were several times over the past year he could have left if he had wanted to and I really wouldn't have blamed him, and he stayed. Because of the divorce I went through as a kid I have an out of control abandonment complex, and Andy was wonderful about calming me down and being patient. Reassuring me. I had really begun to believe that maybe he wouldn't ever leave me.

It's hard to know how to feel because I love him so much and it didn't get bad until that last month. That's 12 fun months and one really sucky one. The 12 fun ones are still more important in my head.

Krissy's feelings on herself

Let's make one thing clear from the get-go (and this is something I also told Andy). The plain truth is, he made the biggest mistake of his life. He really did. I worked very hard at this relationship and in loving him right. Being the kind of woman that was my own woman but still there, supporting him and yet giving us space, understanding when he was moody or upset. Taking the relationship seriously but also being able to have tons of fun. I didn't get it exactly right all the time, but I was trying. Every single minute.

I'm pretty, smart, funny and truthful. I don't tend to do things that I'd want to hide from my mother. I don't steal and I can think for myself and teach myself new things. I believe in kindness, tenderness and chivalry and in putting your foot down firmly when your line has been crossed. The people that I know are aware of exactly where they stand with me. Because I will say the things that people don't like to hear, when I say "I love you" or "I think you're a good person" you can believe that I mean it.

I'm pretty and active and smart. I'm self-confident and also aware that I have terrible failings and weaknesses. I believe in people and I admire real bravery (not bravado) and abhor cowards. Life is not easy, but almost everyone can point to someone who has it worse than them and keeps doggedly slogging through. The answer never seems to me to be to give up, the answer is always to learn and to grow. Look the world in the face, surround yourself with people that love you no matter how much you weigh or what you look like, and dare to keep moving forward and growing.

I'm a risk taker and a doer. I complain mightily, but only while I'm fixing the problem. If I'm unhappy, I don't hang out in unhappy, I go find something happy. I'm developing a healthy sense of self-worth and optimism.

There is really no one in this world exactly like me, and I like what I see when I look in the mirror. I am actively trying to be the best person I can be. It's not easy and I'm proud of myself. Andy had something special, and he let it go. Stoopid move, that.

That begs the question, how does Krissy feel about Andy?

The truth, now, not just answering hurt with hurt.

Mr. Andrew Baker:

Is one of the most wonderful human beings ever to walk the earth. He's so talented and cool. He's good looking and smart. He has interesting things to say on every subject. He's young and fun and worth being around. He thinks of other people as well as himself, and he can empathize.

My heart breaks when I think about him because his laugh makes me laugh. His smile is worth swimming oceans for and his arms feel like home. He's protective and respectful at the same time. He's open to new ideas and brave enough to say what he thinks.

Andy Baker loves me very very much and is very very afraid. There isn't anything he's going to be able to do with that fear without help and, as part of the source, there is nothing at all I can do to help. Nothing I can do to make it better.

I love him very much, and I respect him very much, and I'm very hurt and very very disappointed.

Let me put it this way: I always told him, if you are going to leave, just leave. I'm not a game-player. I don't enjoy long icky terrible breakups. It's like a band-aid. Once you realize you're going, just go, don't hang around and make me so miserable that I have to leave. I hate that game and I don't want to hate you. And, even in his leaving he tried to respect me. He just left. He wasn't cruel or mean. He wasn't unemotional, but he stayed firm. He made a decision and stuck by it. It wasn't the decision I wanted him to make, but he stuck by it. I respect him so much for that.

I love him. He's my best friend in the whole world. This is a very wrong decision, but he's not stupid really and he has his reasons and he's stuck by his guns and I will probably love him for the rest of my life.

Would Krissy ever take Andy back?

Interesting question. I've thought about it. When we split I told him not to call me. "Don't call me two days from now and ask how I am, don't call two weeks from now and tell me you've made a horrible mistake, don't call me two years from now to see if we can be friends. You can never go back to 'I will never leave you' once you've left. It just doesn't work."

Because right now part of me is just praying for his phone call (and you know he'll call the moment I don't need him to anymore) I've decided that I would take him back, but only one way. He would have to get on a plane and come here and get down on one knee and put the ring on my finger and take me back with him.

It takes a lot to undo a betrayal and I'm not moving to another country without being damn, and I mean damn sure.

Then I think about it and I think about what he said, and I know he's not coming back. And then my heart breaks again.

How has Krissy been dealing with this huge load of poo?

The people I love

Well, I'm lucky enough to have a huge group of supportive friends. Lisa, Leah, Josh, Dave, Mason and Anja all rallied on Monday night and took turns holding me for about 7 hours and telling me I'm wonderful. They also set up a phone system where I have to call them for a cheer-up on a regular basis. My friend Todd held me last night and had a pizza and movie night for me. All of them offered to stay with me if I didn't want to be alone. My friend Joe at work covered for me when I couldn't come in on Monday and Yvonne went to lunch and smoked and talked with me about it for a long time yesterday.

My parents are beyond wonderful. My mom has listened to the Andy saga from day one, and keeps me from getting too uneven and too upset. She loves Andy too, and doesn't really completely understand this, but she spends all her time talking to me and reassuring me it's not my fault. My stepmom rallied with a huge tirade of love and support on the phone and my dad calls me all the time and he sent me the World's Biggest Bouquet of Flowers yesterday. The thing was easily 4 feet tall and 3 feet across at the top.

Everybody here and at Floor 42 that finds out posts notes that they are thinking about me and/or calls to let me know I can count on them.

I have so much support coming from all angles I really don't think badly of myself. It's hard to do when you get dumped, but I'm still feeling alright about me thanks to these folks.

I'm a doer

Keepin' busy is the name of the game right now. I've bought a new pattern and some wonderful fabric to make a dress. I have a show to go to tonight and a busy weekend coming up and I'm moving into a new apartment (right above Todd) at the end of June. The apartment has me very excited. I'm thinking of doing a sort of "Gatsby" look. Lots of hanging chiffon, a billion huge fluffy throw pillows, home clothes that are all light colored and satiny pj-type clothes and robes, lots of champagne, wine and martini glasses and a big glass bowl full of cigarettes at the door. I want a very girly home that I can lounge and lie around in and look dramatic. Oriental rugs and tons of candles. Decadent 1940's.

Takin' it in stages

I really thought this man was the one, and so every aspect of my life has something of him in it. I have two of his jumpers, a pair of his boxers, his Spurs razor blade, his poster, the Miles Davis 1964 CD (and Stella by Starlight is now the saddest song I know), an Action Man, three books of photos, the locket he gave me, the bowling shirt he gave me, the underwear that matches his, all of our tickets, backstage passes, postcards, the movies we bought when we were together, the books we exchanged, some undeveloped pictures from March, a Spurs scarf from my first Spurs game.... it just goes on and on.

On Monday Lisa sat with me while I changed my voicemail message to just say my name and erased the 20 messages I had saved over the past year... Andy singing to me. Andy calling from various airports all broken up and missing me already. Andy drunk and screaming his love at other people walking up and down the Strand. Andy calling me his baby, his gorgeous girl, his love, over and over again. I erased them all and cried so hard I couldn't see the whole time I did it.

I need to pack up all the stuff in the house so I don't have to look at it. I need to erase all our pictures from my computer, I need to erase all the messages I have on my work phone from him. I just need to do it in stages or it will overwhelm me.

I need to stop praying he'll change his mind.

The bottom line

I'm crushed. I'll love him forever and I don't know how long it's going to take me to recover from this. I am still okay. I still like myself. I'm going to keep going with my life and try to have some fun. I'm going to cry, a lot.

Feelin' better

That helps. That helps a lot. Writing it down cleared it up in my head some more.

Thanks for listening.