Coming out of the mists of 11th century Scotland, a fearless warrior who battles the marauding samuria who invade his country. He fights rogue gods with his wife. His name is:

Locotr!

Pronounced 'Loko-tor', Locotr seems to be your typical bearded Scotsman from the past. He wears traditional brown leather shoes, brown stockings and a creamy-coloured bit sort of thing over his top. God-knows what it is, it's just very 11th century. He also has a
beard and a deep, gruff voice.

The only odd thing about Locotr's appearance is the massive Y-fronts he wears. Like all superheroes, Locotr wears his pants on the outside. However, he does not do this out of ego. His pants give him magical powers that allow him to chuck fireballs and stuff at his enemies. Truly he is a mighty warrior!

His wife has no name that is known to outsiders, she is just known as "Locotr's wife". She wears a big red sort of, thing that covers almost all of her body. Nobody's quite sure just what it is, there aren't many experts on 11th century fashion.

Like Locotr, Mrs Locotr has several distinguishing features. She wears a thong and a bra, both on the outside. She also has a fairly long beard.

Their enemies

Yes, there are samurai in Scotland! We know because Locotr fights them. Like all good war-mongers, neither party knows just why they are fighting. In typical good-old British style racism (the finest of it's breed), Locotr sees foreigners in his country and decides they must be vanquished! The samurai, meanwhile, just fight.

Locotr seems to have picked up a few tricks from fighting the samurai. As well as charging into a fight with a f**k-off big sword like a smelly drunk Scottish b******d, he also uses f**k-off big samurai swords to castrate those that oppose him. He's also got a bit of an assassin instinct, and uses the samurai throwng knives that he finds. He'll creep up behind a fighting enemy a stab them. Simple.

Locotr also fights the gods and their servants. After decappitating and dismembering and castrating and mutilating etc those that get in his way, Locotr will do battle with whatever god has chosen to fight him. A typical battle does like this:

Locotr vs Squirtle, god of terrapins

Locotr: "Ah, terrapin-man, we meet again. I shall vanquish you and your slimy hordes."
Squirtle: "Whores? Where, where?!"
Locotr: "Hordes, not whores! You insolent little c**t, prepare to die!"

Locotr charges into Squirtle with his sword, shouting a battlecry. Squirtle fires off an ice-blast at Locotr, but he deflects it with his sword. As Locotr swings his sword to take his opponent's head, Squirtle hides in his shell. Locotr's sword bounces off the shell.
Enraged, he hacks and slashes at it, but gets nowhere. Squirtle rolls himself at Locotr, tipping him onto the ground and crushing his legs. Locotr roars in pain and anger. He gets his sword, holds the hilt with two hands, and drives the blade into the biggest hole in the
shell. The sword peices Squirtle's brain, and the god vanishes in a puff of logic.

Suddenly four masked assassins appear around Locotr, with throwing knives in their hands. They throw them, but Locotr is quick, and deflects two of them. The third misses, while the fourth finds it's way into Locotr's back.

"Hoooh Mashitaka," says Locotr, and the assassins leap in for the kill. Locotr is not ready to die yet however, and, holding the hilt of his sword with two hands, he thrusts his sword between his legs. He catches one assassin in the nether-regions, but does not stop there. As soon as he has hit the first target, he brings his sword up out from between his legs, and brings it up sharply in front of him. A second assass'n is cut in half.

The remaining two look on, stunned. Locotr quits the fancy martial arts part of the fighting, and goes straight in for a good old bout of Macbeth-style killing.

Once again, Locotr has saved the day!