h2g2 The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy: Earth Edition

There's a fellow on the God Delusion thread who claims special knowledge of gods will. Whenever we point out inconsistencies or contradictions in his statements he reverts to the claim that his faith needs no justification beyond his conscience. His access to gods wisdom extends so that he can both use scripture and contradict it. Since it is not beyond the power of god to change his mind if he wants to, god can contradict those scriptures, but he is the only one who can. Since warner claims that he can do that he is in effect claiming to be god.

Well, if he can, I can. I hereby declare myself to be the Great God Drongo, Creator and Lord of the Infinite Universe.

As I am presently using a human vessel to carry my perfection around, I think that the expressed portion of my infinite wisdom should not be heavier than that vessel can carry. This means that I will dim my bulb to human level.

Having dimmed said bulb and since few people pay attention to Commandments anyway, I thought that I would solicit suggestions for sacred laws from those whom I will command to obey.

I'm going for 614 mitzvas, one more than YWH. The first will be on the thread that follows.

1. I am the Great God Drongo, Lord of the Infinite Universe. If you don't believe that, how could I possibly care? I have the infinite universe.

How about 'Thou shallt not suffer a bonobo to live.'

'For they are vile and abominable creatures that verily do rub their parts.'

Bonobos are my second favorite creatures so, no to that one.

Did I not give you parts? Did I not give you hands with which to rub? So, no to that one.

I wouldn't want to be in any religion that would have me as an adherent.

2. Thou shalt not eat anything that complains about it.

But that covers most foods, doesn't it?

'I ate tofu for lunch and it's disagreeing with me.'

I didn't say anything about starting a religion; there's too much of that already and they're so tedious.

Like the cannibal joke.

I had my mother-in-law for tea. I don't know why I do that, she always dissagrees with me.

3. If the burger place has a two for one special, thou shalt give one to a hungry person. Also fries and a drink if it's your date.

Reminds me of a story from a friend...

On the way into a chippie, he passed an auld, drunk guy asking for spare change. He walked past...but while in the chippie he had an attack of conscience and bought him a fish supper. He hands it to the guy on the way out, and as he walks off he hears:

'Anyone want to buy a fish supper?'