h2g2 The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy: Earth Edition

Well, it's happened again, i've managed to embarrass myself in the extreme. I've got this horrible feeling that, as i get older, my life is getting to be like a poorly written episode of that awful 70's sitcom 'Terry and June', with me as the idiotic Terry Scott.

To set the scene;As i've mentioned for the last few weeks, i've just invested in a new bathroom, which looks very smart. In order to make it even smarter, i painted the door last weekend. Proper professional job too, even took the door handles off to paint it. When the inside had dried i replaced the handle, but left the outside off as it was the last bit painted. Mrs. A kept banging on about putting it back, but hey, it could wait.

On Wednesday this week i was due to start work at 11AM, and had the house all to myself in the morning. (Kids at school, Mrs. A at work) A long lingering shower before work seemed just the ticket, so off i went. The trouble started when i tried to get out of the bathroom, the handle turned, but the door wouldn't open. OH NO, i've shut the door, and there's no handle on the other side, so it won't work I'm now stuck in there, wet (Towel hanging on banister outside bathroom) and dripping, with no-one in the house to get me out.

After some frantic tugging at the door (It opens inwards, so a shoulder charge was out of the question), i realised this wasn't going to work. As a keen viewer of the Ray Mears survival programmes, i decided to use some of his advice. He always says not to panic (Managed that) then build a shelter, and gather nuts. So that was no use then.
Perhaps my years as a 'Blue Peter viewer would help. What would daredevil John Noakes have done in this position? After surveying the tools i had to hand to aid my escape (4 electric toothbrushes, some Peach and Seaweed shower gel, and the bloody door handle that was supposed to be on the other side of the door) i concluded that , given some sticky back plastic, i could probably make a passable advent crown, but nothing to get me out.

I peered out of the bathroom window, and didn't fancy the 15 foot drop onto a concrete patio, in the nude, and besides, our garden has no way round the front, and i've no way of getting in downstairs. The alternative of climbing a 6 foot panel fence then standing on my neighbours patio and asking to be let in, didn't appeal greatly either.

At this point i spotted one of our neighbours, Doris (name changed to protect the innocent) hanging out her washing. I shouted her. After a few seconds looking round to see where the voice is coming from, she spies me, all pink and wrinkly, hanging out of my bathroom window.
I shouted "Can you phone Mrs. A for me Doris......there's ,erm, something wrong with the door, and i'm stuck"
Her jaw dropped, and off she went. (I have a suspicion she's never believed i play with a full deck at the best of times)

30 minutes later.

I hear the front door open and Mrs. A is muttering away about how useless i am, as she plods upstairs. Shouting through the door i tell her get a screwdriver, take the handle off the bedroom door, put it on the bathroom door and let me out.(remember i've got the handle in there with me) She's still muttering away to herself, and it's getting to me now. After all, it wasn't my fault, was it?

I thought; When she opens the door, i will be stood there nonchalontly, as if this were the most natural thing in the world, so i struck a pose. Arms folded across chest, and leaning manfully against the sink. If this pose were ever to be painted however, it would probably be named " NUDE:With two walnuts and a wichity grub" (I was VERY cold by this time)

The door opens.

And there is Mrs. A..........with Doris the neighbour, who she's brought along in case i'd collapsed Doris now has confirmation of her suspicion that i was mentally not equipped to sire my two children, but seemingly physically too.

Gathering together my last vestiges of pride i strode past the pair of them, thanked them for their help, and said i was going to get dressed now and go to work.

Their sniggering as i closed the bedroom door will stay with me for a long time.

As Terry Scott might have said.........PWOAAAARR.

absolutely hysterical, could only happen to you Air. I can barely see the screen for tears of laughter here!!

I think that just made my month!

Your wife should put you in That's life Arn't Men Dafts

Great Air,it could only happen to you

Such a brave and revealing account of a truly traumatic event in your domestic life, airscotia...



*resounding sniggers*

You lot are not trying to tell me this sort of thing doesn't happen to you all the time?

Not like this but male cousin was hungry one day and i said he could make anythink he wanted so he gose in the, kitchen then come's back in with a bowl and i said what's that you got there, he reply's it's irish stew i looked at him odd, we had no irish stew in so i gose out to kitchen to ind he's only gone and made himself a huge bowl of food and he thought it was stew.
s "not told him yet"

oh but of course Air, every day....

princess, that was cruel, what did the cats have...

Oh god, a previously undiscovered off shoot of the Airscotia family obviously. Didn't he notice it tasted a bit y?

I'm glad you said that ST, i was beginning to think it was just me.

One of the airscotians is worse than me, he has a long and illustrious career of 'situations' ahead of him.

Huh????????????????
Okay, that was odd... but FUNNY!
PWT

Nope he never even notice, the taste everytime he visit's now i call him puss in boots don't worry my three s had fresh chicken for there tea co's some one ate there beef in gravy with veg felix

Air thank you so much for that
Here have a you deserve it



c x

You've just made my day

BTW I would'nt go flashing that wichety grub outside, even birds have there pride ya know

Chorlton, it'll help deaden the shame.

They'd have to have eyes like a hawk to see it Venus.......ooooh, that windchill.

Really Air that is the funniest thing I've read in ages. But maybe I've had too much already

c x