h2g2 The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy: Earth Edition

In honour of all those studying for exams, the following:

SOCRATES, gadfly tease,
Bothered Aristophanes.
Drove Athenians to think;
Fatal hemlock had to drink.

OEDIPUS, what a jinx,
Solved the riddle of the Sphinx.
He kept looking, saw the light,
Learned the truth - but lost his sight.

ARISTOTLE had a plan
For the happiness of man:
Said, the mean is the direction,
When you practise for perfection.
Most of us would like to throttle
That old windbag Aristotle.

OLD AUGUSTINE
Fell a-lustin' -
How disgustin'.
He took heed.
He was freed.

When holy ST BENEDICT made up his rule,
He sent all the monks to a moderate school:
'Be good to each other, and love God, and pray,
And I'll see you all up in Heaven one day.'

SUR GAWAIN was bold.
The story is old.
If Sir Gawain's will had been stronger,
The story would have been even longer.

Foxy statesman, MACHIAVELLI
Pounded scruples into jelly.
Said: If power you would seek,
Seize the day, and don't be meek.
I am sure that Niccolo
Went where all true villains go.

Double,double,
Cauldrons bubble,
Got MACBETH in a heap of trouble.
Murdered Duncan in his bed;
The MacDuff cut off his head.

FRANCIS BACON, in defiance,
Claimed the future lay in science.
Found among Bensalem's sages
Wisdom for the coming ages.

Switzerland's JEAN-JACQUES ROUSSEAU
Said, Early Man was good, you know;
Life is eating, drinking, sex:
Modern folks are too complex.

Wordy WORDSWORTH worshipped nature
In poetic nomenclature.
In the stones of Tintern Abbey
Found a sermon - not too shabby.

WILLIAM BLAKE, who made thee?
Dost thou know who made thee?
Gave thee pen, and made thee tell
Of the marriage of Heaven and Hell?
William Blake, you're so artistic
For a crazy English mystic.

CONRAD was a gloomy Pole,
Heart of Darkenss took its toll;
Marlowe cried: Full steam ahead!
The message? Mistah Kurtz - he dead.

With a sense of deja vu,
We approach ALBERT CAMUS.
Life is meaningless, we fear:
Existentiallism's here.

Tell me, now you've had a look
Into many a GREAT BOOK,
Full of wisdom, wit, and lore:
Are you wiser than before?