h2g2 The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy: Earth Edition

After a two hour or so stand off with a large household spider I'd like to share some tips on disposing of a spider if you are like me a big girls blouse around the things.

1) Locate Spider - I first noticed a large black insect moving under the table it then rather slyly moved from under a pile of washing, behind a wardrobe and then behind curtains. Whilst in these hard to reach places it is unadvisable to strike. Put the kettle on and find a safe distance to keep watch.

2) Spider located - Eventually my large insectile chum moved from the safety of the curtains to a more central position on the floor. It was now clearly visible but a strike would be unlikely to reap dividends at this point.

3) Coaxing the Spider Out - For big babies like myself killing the spider without getting to close can be a challenge. At this point I put my shoes on as a backup precaution. I tried throwing things at the spider but this merely disconcerted it. I eventually succeeded in getting the spider to move by utilising a music stand, a broom or other long handled device may also work well.

4) The Kill - The easiast way to kill a spider with a case of arachnophobia is to throw a large hardback book on it and then stamp on the book. After prodding with the music stand it foolishly made a dash for the center of the floor. Finally in open space I dropped a large Japaneese Graphics book on it and stamped.

Please Note: If you have access to someone not scared of spiders and you are not too emmbarassed to ask their assistance it is much more humane to get them to find the spider and take it outside. After all it is said to be bad luck to kill one and they probably can''t help being so creepy.

You are not nice! Poor ickle spidey-widey. How bouts I throw a large book on you and stamp! Have you seen Earth vs The Giant Spiders. That's you that is, that's you. Or at least will be when I'm God or something. Well alright that's aiming a bit high but that's what stress does you know. Poor ickle spidey-widey. Bet it told it's mates just before it passed on; shuffled off this mortal webby coil thing. Bah! What are you doing throwing japanese graphic books around anyway? Wish I had that kind of money. I'm off to make a phone call to all the spiders at London Zoo, see what they say. So what if they can't come to the phone 'cos they're to busy looking at the visitors, I'll leave a message! There that told yer. Poor ickle spidey-widey. The End.

this message was brought to you in spider vision (Say that in, like, a gruff voice for full effect)

Hey, I never said I felt good about killing the spider, although I have to say I was kind of happy to be rid of it. Thats not to say I'm a complete monster I have nothing against spiders unless they invade my personal space.

I'm sorry your such an animal lover and you'll probably be even madder about the fact I run a large cosmetic factory where I cruelly make-over guinea pigs with tasteless lipstick and eyeliner. This is in fact the means by which I support my hobby of unashameadly throwing large expensive textbooks around.

Sincerely,

someoneatemycat

Gosh-darn-it. I hate in when peeps put TASTELESS lipstick on guinea piggies, they have self-esteem to you know. And lots of it. What's wrong with a nice bit of tartan flavour for gawds sake. And as for having nowt against spidey-wideys, sounds like you 'ad a dirty great book against it. You fewl you.
Next time beat it to death with your 'orn!

Yours sunkseerly
me

PS. I have posted a spider to you to show you how cuddly they are but I forgot to mark the email as fragile so it might be looking a bit like your old spider.

Me,
I'm confused whats an 'orn and tartan flavour, are you scottish or just illiterate? and how can you have tartan lipstick? and who would want to wear it? Don't worry about the guinea pig's self esteem. Whilst during the day they are cruelly forced to wear trashy cosmetics in the evenings we feed them large tomatoes and if nessecary our resident psychologist is on hand for counselling.

Uuugh cuddling spiders, if your spider arrives in one piece I'm afraid it will have to meet its maker to and be buried in my spider cemetery along with my fomer nemesis.

Kind Regards,

SAMC

Dear Sam C.

What's tartan lipstick? What's tartan lipstick? Ask the gwinny Pigs. Strewth. (I like that word). Strewth (See).

In RSPCA leaflet 34234234.5a sec. vi it says, and I quote: One cannot feed oversize tomatoes to a guinea pig without a cat bein' present and seein' as someone ate yours, you are breaking the law. Goldarnit. But good about the psycho-ologist. Does (s)he come cheap?(fnar)

Methinks that spiders need an overhaul in your eyes. They're bootiful un that. My cat likes them - whole. Please don't let someone eat my cat.

Aaaagh, a fly - hang on........

There, got rid off it. And not by your spider-shooin' method I might add young fellow-me-laddo!

I'm off to be sick 'cos Ann Widdecombe's just arrived on radio4.

Strewth (being quite a good word) as I only read sections .1a to .3a in RSPCA leaflet 342342342 I had completly neglected organising the presence of a cat whilst my guinea pigs feed on human entrails(oops! I mean tomatoes). My psychologist is in fact quite cheap and if you would like to make an appointment please do let me know. (S)he mainly specialises in guinea pigs but I've been going to him/her for years and am glad to report am a totally normal person as a result.

I like your cat's style maybe next time I'll just eat the spider whole, Anne Widdecombe rocks!

Faithfully,

S.A.M.C.

No,
seriously,
Ann,
Widdecombe,
rocks.
Er...................?

Have you seen the size of that spider behind you? Well you will try and scare me!
Eating spiders whole is more humane as it gives them an in-of-body experience before they dissolve slowly in the hydrochloric acid of ones stomach. Anything for nature. Douglas Adams would have been proud.

Do your tomatoes look like human entrails aswell? Gosh, what a coincidence. My step-dad says that's perfectly normal and that's why it APPEARS that the inside of his greenhouse is covered in human entrails. Smells a bit to. I think that's a cucumber over in the corner. Don't know why it's moving though!!

Do you believe in Triffids?

yours honestly-truly

Yamshark

Hi,
I know an old lady who swallowed a spider it wriggled and tiggled and giggled inside her. Great song that. Would have been ruined if it had ended with the spider dissolving in stomach acid.

I hate to break it to you but there is a possibility your step-dad may be a homicidal gardener (I blame Alan Titchmarsh). If I was you, I'd stay as far as possible away from any greenhouse, polytunnel or herbacious border near where you live.

I'm not sure if I believe in Triffids as I don't know what they are but if their existence can be rationally proved then I proably will believe in whatever they are.

Yours Frugally,

SAMC

A homosexual gardener 'ey. That's what that polytunnel-funnel-fingy is for! And leave Alan Titch-person alone. Do you not think he has enough problems with that face?

You don't know what a Triffid is - gosh. Better watch out next time you enter a vegetative area 'cos you won't be able to defend yourself. I feel sorry for yer. No, really.

I was wery wery brave today! A massive, like, hoooooj wasp came into the house an' I got my wasp catching kit an' caught it an' released it. I SWEAR it said thanks. Free to sting another day. You should try doin' the same wiv the next spidey-widey pudden-un-piedy that comes along. They only approach you to ask for the time y'know. Very important to a spider that. The time. They have competitions to see who is the fastest web builder and can't use stopwatches.

Yours, on medication, and lost in time

Yamshark

What is a Triffid then? mmm is it another name for a homosexual and homicidal gardener, is that what I should be scared of next time I'm walking in densely vegetative areas?

Congratulations on freeing the wasp I'm sure the poor child who gets stung by it later will really appreciate your humanity. I don't know what time is it why don't they just flick to Sky News?
Stupid spiders.

Best Wishes,

SAMC

hmmm i don't know what started all this sillyness about tartan lipstick etc (by the way eh???) but I personally think it's perfectly right to smash the ......um.....spidey-wideys into an unrecognisable stain on the carpet as if you look at them, i mean really look at them, they have a sort of shifty look. A look that says 'gimme a moment luv (yes all spiders are from the east end of london) you just stay where you are for one second more so i can jump on your face and suck your eyes out'

It's true, I heard them plotting once. With a triffid.

scruff x

Yes your right spiders always look to me like they have a nasty plan to terrorise me. Considering all spiders come from the east end of London I seem to have an unfathomable amount of them in my room I can only assume they come over for short breaks, stag nights or something.

I still haven't found out what a triffid is yet but it sounds like something I might like to eat.

SAMC

Imagine a really large veil daffodil that wan't to eat you........and likes plotting with spiders. Yes they all come down on spider coaches and get really drunk then after the ceremonial tying their mate to a lamp post (takes longer they've got eight legs) they set about terrorising everyone just for fun. that's the worst part you see. they're. doing. it. for .fun.

scruff x

I blame the foriegn spiders secreting themselves on ships and other such bananas. No passport, no right to stay, but do we try and stop 'em? NO! Keep the foriegn 8-legs out. Rivers of spiders flooding our cities un all that. I think that Tory Count Howard of Dracula should stand up and tell Evil-Smiley Blair to send 'em 'ome.
All-on-'em. Why-o-why-o-why..........

Rant-rave-spittle-drool-rant-broohaha-rave

These trifid things don't sound that tough I reckon I could take one out with some aggressive pruning (although I generally avoid any type of outdoor activity) Yam shark are you accusing me of being some kind of spider racialist? because I have nothing against spiders as long as they aren't trying to take our jobs or dating my sister or crawling around my floor looking shifty.

Best Regards,

SAMC

hmmm i think i might be a spider racialist.....I could have pretended not to be by saying that some of my best friends are spiders........but all spiders i know end up dead. hmmm.

scruff x

SAMC

My dear, dear, dear, dear, dear, dear, SAMC. A Triffid will take YOU out with some aggressive pruning of it's own. I saw one once. It didn't see me. I was hiding. Will tell 'em where you live though. They'll eat your spiders free-o-charge. And that's cheap were I come from.

Spider-racialistism is not good. It's not clever and it's not hard. I don't know what came over me and I welcome all spiders into the country to cavort and canoodle with the best of us. ie me.

The end (for now)

PS. Scruff. Learn to live with your inner spider. Love it, nurture it and, most of all, treat it with respec' man respec'.

Wahay - found it:



Fragile. Please do not squash. That means you.

YamShark,

I like the sound of these Triffids at least they don't canoodle and cavort with spiders like you which is wrong, so very wrong. If they are so tough how come you managed to escape from one alive and what were you doing hiding in the bushes in the first place?

I have several other questions regarding these so called Triffids..
- Do they make a noise?
- How tall are they?
- What do they eat?
- How come I've never heard of them?
- How come they sound like some kind of trifle or snack food?

Now I'm off to watch the Fly of which its ok to kill of which I'm sure we'll all agree (even the spiders). Cool Telepods.

Best Wishes,

SAMC