h2g2 The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy: Earth Edition

i don't have a problem with people trying to sell me things. it is after all how the world works, and i've done my share of it over the years too.

but i do get a bit annoyed by people in india calling me and inventing names for themselves. no, patrick kelly from mumbai, i don't believe that is your real name and i'm sort of insulted you think an indian name is beyond my power to understand or tolerate.

i also get annoyed by ineffective old school selling techniques. you might know the drill. ask open questions and move to progressively closed questions...overcome objections...build empathy...the sort of selling technique that assumes buyers are stupid and that any old succession of lies is ok if it moves you towards a close.

it seems these old school rascals have found a new market training call centre sales people in india.

so when i get these calls i usually end it quickly with a firm but polite, 'sorry, i am not interested' followed by an immediate disconnect.

early this evening however i decide to hear the guy out, possibly out of curiosity; perhaps because i needed a few minutes break from the kids.

the deal was some pre paid holiday packages. now this is about as useful to me as an ox and cart and i told him so. what followed was a series of questions attempting to overcome my objections by soliciting positive answers from me. subtle it was not, particularly after the 3rd time i told him that his offer was really quite useless to me.

somewhere about this point i decided telling the guy the truth wasn't going to work getting him to take 'no' for an answer. so when he asked me why my kids don't go away on holidays i told him because on weekends and holidays they work on the farm from sunrise to sunset. to his next question i replied this was for religious reasons and that as a family we valued only study and work.

it was then that things got very strange.

he was he explained, an indian. but he was working part time in australia. so yes, he was in the same country as me. ah yes, building empathy, how delightfully old school i thought. he continued... back home in india, he too had a farm. he grew bees and vegetables. 'grew bees?' i asked, somewhat marvelling at the man now. yes, he said, bees for honey. now this was good because i might have worried he was 'growing' bees for meat. double empathy. he is in australia and he was, like me, a farmer.

but wait, there's more. not only was he a farmer, but his farm was in the foothills of the himalayas. by now i am repeating the things he says and my kids have gathered at my side in amazement. yes, the himalayas, near to the compound of....the dalai lama! triple empathy: i am religious, and he is 2 degrees of separation from a holy man whom surely the entire world adores. he must have been pleased with my astonishment, because when i asked how far from the dalai lama his farm was, without breaking stride, he proudly told me...2100 metres.

i thanked him for the lovely conversation but he wasn't finished. no sale of course, but he must ask for the referral. could i give him the phone numbers of my friends and relatives so he could offer them the same deal? certainly, i said, just let me get their permission first. to which, finally, he had nothing left up his sleeve to respond with.