h2g2 The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy: Earth Edition

I'm... a little off balance, I think.

It's currently ten to eight on a friday night; I should be having dinner or something around now. Instead I've been procrastinating from my assignment (see the previous journal entry), so as a method of distraction I went to have a peek at what Am's up to these days (sorry I won't give her full name here, and I didn't write 'A' because then people would think I meant Arisztid...)

Am is the only reason I have a livejournal account; I don't use it apart from when I log in so that I can read her restricted entries (For non-LJ users, a 'restricted' entry is only available to be read by groups nominated by the writer - usually the people on their friend's list.)

I haven't actually logged in to it for ages; since November I think. Recently I'd just been reading her 'public' entries to get a vague idea of whether she's still well and healthy.
But checking the backlog of restricted entries, I came across my name a couple of times, and a very personal insight as well. Of course, I'm not going to go into details here, but I have to say... I'm flattered.

...And speechless...

...I don't even know what to type, and I've had twenty minutes to think of something.

I miss her a lot; she knows I do. I'm still - after all this time - not sure whether I'm using her memory as a kind of focus for my ideals, or whether she really has changed my life so drastically that I'm still trying to find my feet more than three and a half years after her influence has left me.

Either way; her name came up in conversation the other day... H asked me if I love her ('her' being Am of course, not H), and I said yes without even thinking about it. That worried me.
I don't /want/ to be in love with someone thirty thousand kilometers away... someone I haven't seen in person in close to four years... someone I haven't even spoken to on the phone in well over a year (I've only had a cellphone since I moved back to Hamilton)...
I know I love her as a friend, and I believe I always will... but I don't think that's what I meant.

I'm shaken. Literally.

Every time I read her journal, I'm moved by how darn /eloquent/ she is, and how insightful. And /she/ used a portion of my journal here as an example of eloquent writing? How circular is that?

She's one of a very small number of people (like, maybe one) who can make me feel good about myself for just being me. Aparrantly without any effort.

She says I have unrealised potential (Quote unquote). God I hope she's right.

I could probably go on about how beautiful she is - inside and out - but that would start to sound stalkerish so I won't.

She's the most fantastic person; I'd consider myself lucky if I could meet someone here even half as cool. I don't know if that statement says a lot about me, her, or the type of society I'm living in; but either way it's true.
She's still the /only/ woman I've ever met (in person) whom I would trust, let alone want, to be the mother of my children.
We once talked about marriage, and she is /still/ the only person I can imagine myself having that conversation with.

The more I think about this the more worried I get.

I'm not even sure I should post this... I don't want her to freak when she reads it, by thinking I'm obsessed.

But... am I? I hope not. But I can't say for sure either way.

I need a hug. I want to believe that everything will work out for the best, one way or another. But with the things I've been through I can't believe that.

I'm going to go home. The assignment can wait.

(Current mood: Very, very worried.)

How did i get here???Whether its next door,or thousands of miles away,sounds as though it's tugging your heart strings to me
And,i'm sure that you know the saying about what absence does!!
oh,and please accept my apologies for butting in!!!

Write or call her immediately!

Smurfles I just added Jerms to my friends list so I think that is how you ended up on his page

Smurlfes meet Jerms > Jerms meet smurfles

Write or call her immediately! hi Abbi was looking for you the other day

Go walk to her house.

Even if she lives x million miles away.

I would walk 500 miles and I would walk 500 more just to be the man who walked a thousand miles to fall down at your door

Thanks abbi.I was on your space this morning!!!Glad were all agreed ,this sounds like to me.,and she sounds lovely.

you need a hug jerms??!!?! alright


well...... i dont know if you want my opinion....
but i dont think theres anything wrong with still loving her, even as more than a friend.
i mean even if you havent talked to her in quite a while, and even if shes really far away...
even if it is long distance...... if its love... then the absolute best of luck to you because out of every person that i know if anyone deserves a happy ending its you.

dont worry about it so much

Oooooops.orry jerms,pleased to make your aquaintance.<Thanks abbi.

It's true that bad things happen, but good things happen too. Sometimes love can work, even long distance, and I hope this is one of those times.

I forgot to give you a hug before.
You asked for a hug!

If you can lift my lazy arms up and put them round your shoulders you can have a hug.

Awww puppet

Is it that heavy kind of swollen feeling somewhere around your chest ? I hate that feeling, I still get it when I miss people, or want to see people, or just need to be around people…usually particular people …

I think it’s clear that you do love her. Like you said, she’s someone you admire and hold in higher esteem than you do a lot of other people, especially as far as girls go. Whether or not it’s the Big Chunky Love is not the point. It’s that she seems to be one of the best people you know, and that’s reason enough to love one person more singularly than anyone else.

(I hope that made sense)

Maybe you should call her. Maybe having a simple conversation will help you figure out if you’re feeling so confused because you just miss her company, or if it’s anything else ?

Anyway I’m probably the worst person to ask. I completely fluked the Big Chunky Love and still don’t know how it’s all come to work out …

I hope that you can figure out what it is that you need to be happy, and how this girl fits into it all

In the meantime !

Wow. You guys are so lovely!

I'm feeling much better now, which is quite surprising considering other stuff which has been happening over the weekend... I might mention that on a separate thread perhaps...

Okay, let me reply in order... Smurfles! Hi! I've seen your name around, and I love it!
I'm not quite sure how you got here either, I didn't think a friend of a friend would automatically get added to my new entries... but hey I'm not complaining at all! Nice to meet you! (Thanks Abbi! )

Yes I know the phrase Absence makes the heart grow fonder... (I also know that Absinthe makes the head go wander...) but in a way that's what I'm afraid of; people change and people grow. I know that I'll always love her as a friend at least, but I don't want my hopes or expectations to become irrational.
But I /do/ always keep my promises (I think I've remained true to that... I have a sneaking suspicion there was one time with an exceptional circumstance... anyway.) And I /did/ promise her that I would see her again, and that I would come to Canada, at least to visit. So I will.

As for writing or calling her immediately... well I guess a confession is in order; I have a mild social phobia of indirect contact. I find it ironic that I've worked in call centres, but I still get nervous and have to 'rehearse' a conversation before I can call someone. And writing is pretty much out the window; the occasional e-mail is about all I can manage, and that's even to people I know and like.
It's based on some sort of social insecurity; probably related to my fear of public speaking, but I haven't managed to get rid of it yet.

As it is, I know that she reads these posts too, so I figure anything important here will reach the right people. I admit, direct communication is much better, but I can say what I should here a lot more comfortably, I think. That's probably why I finally decided to post this original entry, come to think of it. Although of course there's always the chance that something should be said but not on a public forum, so of course e-mail has its place too.

I'm sure the last few paragraphs could have been said in a much simpler way...


Er, Job, I'm assuming you already know, but it's hard to tell when you're joking... She's in Canada. I'm in New Zealand. Y'know? The small island nation in the south pacific ocean? Do you have any idea how many oxygen cylinders it would take me to get there? Or how deep the Marianna trench is?

When she left I was trying to find ticket prices to any part of either one of the American continents, figuring with enough time I could hitchhike to her. Borders would have been interesting...
Hell I even considered country hopping to australia, then to indonesia, borneo, india or china, and then working my way up to russia, across to alaska and into canada that way. But still the problem was that I just plain can't afford the plane tickets.
It would have been a legendary trip, though.

And there's no way I was going to swim from australia to indonesia, even via papua new guinea. Not when the salt-water crocodiles around there are as big as the great white sharks. And vice versa.

"She sounds lovely." Yep. Understatement of the year, that one!

She sent me an e-mail this morning, because of this entry. I'm tempted to copy it here so you can all see how wonderful she is... but maybe I'll just post some small parts of it...

"We seem to be doing a lot of once-removed communication.[...]
I realized I should explicitly lay out what's been going on in the back of my mind with regards to you."
- I should mention that I didn't realise until I met her that honesty wasn't just about giving true answers to any question; it's also about telling people what they should know, when they should know it. I've been trying to live by that philosophy ever since.

"I love you dearly and want the best for you. And, regardless of what happens there in NZ, I want you to take care of yourself, meaning both your mind and body, right now. I promise, I will do everything I can to make things better in future. It seems that it's
just a question of time.

Love,
Am[...]"
- Now that I come to copy and paste parts of this e-mail, I realise there isn't much I'm comfortable about sharing. Not that I feel embarrased or ashamed about anything in the e-mail, or that there's anything personally explicit, or that there's anyone who might conceivably read this posting and use it for malicious purposes or anything... but somehow I'm feeling that some things are better off personal. I may change my mind in the future, but right now she's made me feel great and special again, and I don't want to risk diminishing that in any way. So sorry to tease you with only a couple of parts of it.

She also talks about the how, when and what of me coming to Canada. She seems to feel very much the same as me in thinking that just being there will make all the difference, and then we can "see where things lead." (Her quote as well as mine.) She also talks about what can happen even if it doesn't work out as hoped. But it's all very positive.

She's so lovely.


Oh yeah I got distracted... there was more to reply to.
Tanzen... you know that heavy kind of swollen feeling somewhere around your chest, too, huh? I guess you've been there done that bought the t-shirt as well then.
It's a kind of sigh stuck on the inside, I think.

As for the simple conversation to help me figure out how I feel... well the last few times we spoke on the phone (okay it's been far too long now; recently it's just been e-mails, texts, and the occasional brief MSN chat on one of the few occasions my computer is connected to the 'net...) Er, anyway, the last few times we spoke on the phone, it's just made me feel the same as I did when I made this original posting. Mainly I miss her a lot.

Perhaps a cheesy metaphor will help me clarify what I'm trying to say... if you've seen the movie Amelie (Amalie? Dang, can't remember how to spell it now....) well then you'll have seen the scene where she walks the old blind guy across the road and down the street, and describes the sights and stuff going on around them, and as she says goodbye and runs off, he starts listening and smelling to what's going on and his aura goes whoosh in that interesting special effect way... well that whoosh was kindof what Am did to me.
Incidentally, if you haven't seen the movie you should. It's beautiful. Plus, if you see it then you'll know what the heck I'm talking about.

Okay I'm going to shut up now, before I run out of wibble and my fu stops making snacks... doh. Too late. (Sorry Job, I didn't mean to make you read lots. I guess it's too late to warn you, huh?)

"As for writing or calling her immediately... well I guess a confession is in order; I have a mild social phobia of indirect contact. I find it ironic that I've worked in call centres, but I still get nervous and have to 'rehearse' a conversation before I can call someone. And writing is pretty much out the window; the occasional e-mail is about all I can manage, and that's even to people I know and like.
It's based on some sort of social insecurity; probably related to my fear of public speaking, but I haven't managed to get rid of it yet."

I am terrified of calling people, always have been...and I have been known to write down conversations and plan what I want to say before I call...always hoping for an answering machine...

(and I was a public speaker..I have no real problems speaking in front of crowds...as long as I know what I'm going to say..)

Sounds like you have it a little worse than me.

I'd like to be a better public speaker though. It sounds like fear of public speaking is really common... I wouldn't mind the nervousness, blushing, sweaty palms etc; but I hate getting half way through a sentence and forgetting what the heck I'm talking about because of nervousness.

I keep reading Am's e-mail over and again... I still can't believe how cool she is. And I know some pretty legendary people.

I have this fear of making an idiot of myself

I've never been able to think on my feet, I tend to lose myself around people. When I went to uni I dindn't know anyone. Apart from that, they were all Law s so I tried to stay out of their way.

There was the loveliest boy there named Paul, he'd always say hello and try to make conversation. I would always mumble hello and shuffle off...

(Paul would be a solicitor now...in fact they all would be...did I miss out? I don't think so...)

I understand that one. Over the last few years I have acquired some incredibly mates. I wouldn't say there was a great number of them (I'm not a herd creature), but they are some of the coolest people in existence, in my opinion. Then every time I'm having "A bad day" I try to remember that I know so many cool people and they all choose to be my friend

That sounds very very familiar...

...er, except for the bit about Paul. I don't think I've met him.

Are you sure ?

He’s a lovely guy, very tall, curly hair…very smart and very friendly…

(…man I hope Law didn’t break him…)

Can I make you blush?

Am is currently studying law.