This is the Message Centre for Leo

Application

Post 1

Skankyrich [?]

I couldn't help noticing that there seems to be a lack of applicants for kisses on your PS. Presumably there is at least a tiny demand on your part, and as the supply appears to be rather limited I thought I'd throw my lips into the ring just in case I was able to provide a suitable service.

I note that said kisses must be delivered in person, which could be a potential stumbling block considering the maximum protrusion of my lips vs distance between us. However, Rich's Ravishes Inc does have a series of localised franchises around the world, one of which could easily be detailed to fulfil your needs. All franchises must pass an international quality certification scheme, and all our models are environmentally soundly chargeable via a hairless solar panel atop the head. The unfortunate side-effect of this is that they tend to pass out about 2am, and rarely recharge fully before lunchtime. The battery period may be extended with alcoholic beverages, though recharging may take longer in this case.

I also note that 'weird internet types need not apply'. Despite the fact that I am applying via the Internet (you're a Sub - large 'I' please), the fact that I am applying at all should confirm to you that I am not weird. If I were, I would recognise the pointlessness of my application. I presume from this statement that you wish to ward off Internet stalkers; in this case, please ignore the scruffy bloke sitting outside your house hiving off your wireless access. That's someone else. It's a coincidence that he has a good supply of fresh razors. And is a bit grumpy. Honest.

Remember, Skanky's Snogging Solutions are always here to fulfil your every kissing need. And don't forget, beyond the basic kiss, I offer a whole range of extra services at a reasonable extra charge - from the 'Don't Go Home Alone Taxi Drunken Fumble' and 'Tentative First-Date Peck' to the full-on 'Sensual Valentines Smooch' or 'Been Away Too Long Marathon', my company is always here to help. Please note, however, that unlike other, less scrupulous companies, there is no extra charge for tongues.

I hope that we can be of service to you in the future. In accordance with our Customer Protection Programme and with our due respect for your privacy, I have added your details to our database. This means that no-one has access to your personal information apart from everyone in the world ever. Occasionally I may contact you to remind you of my services, so please don't call the NYPD every time you get one of those heavy-breathing calls. It's just nice to stay in touch, you know?

Hoping you look upon my application favourably,

Snoggyrich

**********

Please note that excessive facial deformities or undue dribbling may incur an extra charge. Trial package available on request. Prices may vary depending on age and attractiveness of customer. No animals please.


Rejection

Post 2

Leo


Dear Sir,

This is a form letter produced automatically by a database. No human has read your application or cares to.

You fail to meet the criteria for acceptance simply because you require resorting to application. This is what is known as a Catch-22, and if you don't know what that is, you could better spend your time reading than in applying to kiss people.

If our database registers "married", "living with partner", or "has friend" for your profile, your application will have been forwarded to the most concerned party five minutes ago. In that case, someone has read your application, and we apologize for the misinformation above.

No thank you very much for your application, and do have a good evening.

Sincerely,
The Database


Rejection

Post 3

Leo

smiley - grr
Did I once mention a random word disappearance issue? Add "girl" in before "friend" above.

Seriously, though, now that I've stopped laughing - that little bit went in after too many people tried planting smackers in one week. smiley - yuk Things have since calmed down, as you noticed. People don't seem to like applying for things.


Rejection

Post 4

Leo


Danged Europeans need everything spelled out to them. Now I have. smiley - biggrin


Rejection

Post 5

Skankyrich [?]

Dear Database and Database Administrator,

I appreciate fully that my application has not been read by a human, though I was led to believe that it would be read by an American, which is pretty close. In addition, I presumed that it would be a simple business arrangement; at no point did I mention any sort of affection or indeed any sort of personal touch. Here at Perfect Puckerings Ltd, we simply provide a service to the snoggically-challenged for an appropriately-sized fee. In this case, therefore, contacting the partner of this franchise operator is unnecessary, as she understands the nature of my business. I have, however, deleted the missive from yourselves just in case there is any misunderstanding. Just because I have a spare room does not mean that I harbour a desire to sleep in it.

I note that the text from whence I decided to apply has changed, perhaps in response to my application. I would like to record that I resent being compared to a kind of French namby-pamby sort of person simply because I share a geographical location with them. The British likewise have a well-defined notion of 'personal space' (except on trains, where we leave any idea of having any space at all on the platform), and are recognised worldwide as the inventors of the firm, honest handshake. In addition, we would never respond to a 'how are you?' with any statement which might require some sort of sympathy or affection. My friend's leg fell off the other day; when I asked 'how are you?' he replied, as is standard here in England, 'Not bad'. On a numerical scale, the Brits are always around 50% of full happiness. Admitting to being any less is just not on, while if one was to answer 'great!' that would be considered immodest. I would not even consider hugging or - god forbid - kissing anyone, even my own mother, unless they willing to part with a substantial amount of cold, hard cash. Hence my application.

Neither would I, or indeed anyone outside America, consider Americans as 'touchy-feely'. Your country spends ten times as much money in a year on the military as the whole world has given in aid to the world's poorest 38 countries in eleven years. And you seem to say 'hey!' instead of 'good morning'. We understand fully that these are not the actions of a touchy-feely nation.

I hope this clarifies my position, and I sincerely hope to do business with you sometime in the future,

Cuddlyrich


Rejection

Post 6

Skankyrich [?]

Oh, and it cheered up my day doing my application last night smiley - smiley The last few days have been so full of serious stressful stuff, it's just nice to unwind by giving myself a good laugh at least...

I don't think much of your database, though. Seems a bit snotty to me. I much preferred Connie smiley - tongueout


Rejection

Post 7

Leo

Dear Sir (or Madam);

Glad to find you in the peachiest of health. It was not a pleasure to hear from you again. We are not pleased with your further interest in bestowing kisses upon the administrator.

For something to be business it must be contracted B2B (business to business) or B2C (business to consumer). Though Perfect Puckerings Ltd may be a business, the administrator is neither a business purveyor nor consumer of kisses. Indeed, CPU and ROM are doubtful that one can consume kisses. RAM and Browser performed a query to retrieve the following:

American Heritage Dictionary: Consumer
NOUN: 1. One that consumes, especially one that acquires goods or services for direct use or ownership rather than for resale or use in production and manufacturing.

Goods: a kiss is not a good since it is not tangible, cannot be quantified (though the French have come as close as possible), or packed, shipped, and delivered by post.
Services: Service is defined as "an act of help or assistance", which a kiss is indubiously not.
Direct use: there is no use for a kiss, therefore they cannot be acquired for use
Ownership: kisses are fleeting and cannot be owned, therefore they cannot be acquired for ownership

Thus, our system has concluded that no "simple business arrangement" can exist between yourself and our administrator.

Furthermore, though the text has changed, the regulations have not; now you have to send away for them by mail order. However, the restriction to "weird internet types" remains regardless.

Weird: "strange, unusual, out of the ordinary"
As you have noted yourself, nobody else has applied for this opportunity. That makes you strange, unusual, and out of the ordinary. You are, therefore, weird.
Internet types: "Those that socially network via the Internet and World Wide Web."
Since you are submitting your application via a social website that utilizes the Internet, you are an "Internet type".
Thus, you are unfit to provide kisses.

Because we are programmed to end on a friendly note, we would like to offer some friendly advice: you will not build kissing business by confessing to being a cold and clammy Brit. Our data suggests that enthusiastic continentals blasted the English Channel approximately 10,000 years ago to allow the dour Anglo-Saxons to "make the best of a bad job" out of everyone else's way. Since then, the British have been pretending that they prefer to keep aloof, which, by our analysis, is indeed making the best of their exile.

I hope this clarifies our position, and sincerely hope to do no business with you sometime in the future.

The Database


Rejection

Post 8

Leo


Always glad to bring cheer to another life - especially a gray, 50% OK British one. smiley - tongueout You gave me a good laugh too. Thank Bob I wasn't at work when I read it. smiley - laugh

I apologize for my database. It's all I could rustle up since Connie's been kissed by ; good systems are so hard to come by. smiley - sigh I may just march my military over to Japan and demand one at gunpoint. If they can produce cute metal dogs and endearing titanium , they should be able to manage a courteous database, wouldn't you think?


Rejection

Post 9

Leo


smiley - rolleyes Titanium pussies.


Rejection

Post 10

Leo

kissed by death.


Rejection

Post 11

Leo


Just read a little anecdote about America's first citizen, General George Washington:
Alexander Hamilton dared the governor of New York to thump Washington on the shoulder and say, "It's so nice to see you again!"
When the governor did, Washington delicately removed the offending hand and froze its owner with a glare.

Funny guy, Washington. He was less frigid when it came to dancing the minuet with every single female at his inaugerational ball. (smiley - winkeye It's worth noting - his wife wasn't there. She was in bed with a cold.)


Rejection

Post 12

Skankyrich [?]

Did he actually freeze the governor with some kind of superhero eye ray? That would be a seriously impressive trick. Imagine being able to turn someone into a block of ice just because they made some vaguely affectionate gesture. Word would soon get around.

Funnily enough, I thought of this conversation only today. My partner had read some article about kissing people on the cheek (unfortunately, I'm forced into this sort of behaviour on birthdays and at Christmas). Apparently you turn your left cheek to receive the kiss is you've emotionally attached (yuk) to the person, and your right cheek if it's a concious gesture (and you're therefore just going through the motions). They didn't say what it meant if you just punched the other person in the face really hard.

It's sick, forcing people to kiss each other in the name of research. I reckon they should use beagles.


Rejection

Post 13

Leo


smiley - erm Um - what about the people who go for both cheeks? I do double duty on my grandmother every time we meet. And I hear Italians (or was it the Swiss?) go for three times - left right left, or summat like that. It took a while, but I trained all my continental friends.

Wait - did you say *research*? Like, they gathered people together to research how they reacted to *kissing*? What next? Nose picking?


Rejection

Post 14

Skankyrich [?]

People generally go for one cheek first, unless they've got two mouths. Or really big lips. I presume that's what they mean for multiple smoochers; it's not the sort of research I'd read in great detail. Still, it keeps the students gainfully employed over the summer, I suppose.


Rejection

Post 15

Leo


You wouldn't read that in great detail? smiley - huh Well, to each his or her own, I suppose. There's no accounting for taste.

What do you mean, your heart's not into being cynical? Are you... an optimist?


Rejection

Post 16

Skankyrich [?]

Don't say that out loud! If word gets out about this, my reputation is blown forever. No-one else has noticed, so keep it under your chapeau. Just email me at [email protected] and don't tell a soul...


Rejection

Post 17

Leo


But where did you contract this... debilitation? Is rehab possible?


Rejection

Post 18

Skankyrich [?]

I really hope so. I haven't drowned my sorrows in a bottle of whisky for ages. I smiled at a baby the other day. I looked at the sun this morning and thought 'it's going to be a nice day'. I went to the football the other day and thought the referee had a good game. I thought my local MP said something good and honest last week. My credit card bill isn't that bad, really. My job prospects look pretty good. The nagging ache in my knee has gone away. I enjoyed work today. I read something quite good in Peer Review. What the hell is wrong with me?? smiley - wah


Rejection

Post 19

Leo

smiley - yikes
That's terrible! What's the world coming to, when cynics become satisfied? Going to the dogs, that's what. Or the hippies. What next - loving all mankind? Well, I should have known that people wouldn't have the mettle to hold up the standards of good, old fashioned, discontent. They don't make 'em the way they used to - and that wasn't so great either. smiley - cross Bah. At the rate things are going, soon we'll all be a bunch of yellow smiley faces, grinning like we've had a pre-frontal lobotomy.


PS: Did the baby survive?


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