h2g2 The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy: Earth Edition

Question one: why are you a coracle and not an oracle?
Question two: do you do personal fortune tellings?

Answer 1: I'm a cOracle, not a coracle. There's a subtle difference. (I still float, but am not entirely hollow.)

Answer 2: Usually I only offer my services to the state as a civic duty. For a nominal fee, however, I am willing to totally make up something that may or may not befall you. (Book early for Christmas!)

Do you take monopoly money/monopoly credit cards?

If so, where to???

I take them down the pub for a swift pint, and tell them all my problems. Even oracles have to give vent at some point, you know...

You mean you talk to monopoly money? And buy it pints?

Now that IS what I call kindness... I only let them go out in the Run in the garden now and then, and change their water once a week.

I keep them all in a six by six inch cage in a dark room and poke them with a sharp stick once a month.

A sharp stick? Now that's luxury. Mine DREAMS of being poked with a sharp stick. I have to make do with a piece of grass, and that's not long enough to poke it.

You seem to be under the impression that being forced to listen to my problems is a pleasant experience. It isn't. Most of them would welcome the luxuries of a small cage and a sharp stick after I've finished with them, pint or no pint...

Well, give me a chance - I like ya so far, so do your best to bore me and depress me and drive me insane!

Stop it. A girl I know sounds *just* like that when she's about to go emotional blackmail overload...

Well I only do that to the well-behaved ones, of course. I burn the others, and then bathe them in liquid iron, and then poke at tjem with a chainsaw. And it's a RUSTY chainsaw, so they'll get tetanus!

Well, first of all I ain't no gal... But I must say you really are a considerate person, thinking of the tetanus and all... Not many people would think of that - but how well do they die of tetanus after the fire and the iron?

I keep them hooked up to hi-tech sci-fi medical apparatus to keep them alive.... like the stuff in Star Trek: The Next Generation.

Did you know that in the sickbay in ST:TNG, one of the medical readouts reads 'Life Insurance remaining'.

No, I didn't I've seen some of the gags, like the virtual hamster in the wheel in Voyager that is supposed to be the TRUE power behind the ship.

*Chuckles* nice one. Have you heard the one about the TNG pipes? Some are labled 'GNDN', which stands for 'Goes Nowhere and Does Nothing'.

No, didn't know that one! The ones I've noticed are mainly from the Encyclopedia and other books that have listed the labels. I haven't got the Latest latest Encyclopdia, only the previous 2.

The latest latest Encyclopedia is a rip-off anyway - they haven't done a fully updated edition, but instead have just stuck the new info in at the back (cheapo publishing shortcuts, a trade I know well), so you have to look up everything twice... Hold out for the next update, I reckon.

Okay, I'll do that. By the way, is the Chronology a good investment? I've heard varying opinions on that, but it sounds like a good idea to me!