My name is Bartifartlast (at least on here it is, I wouldn't want anyone to think I had resentful parents). I was born in 1971 and I'm still alive (liable to change at any time) despite my indulgences. I like Vogon poetry, as much as one can, and in my spare time I like to play various musical instruments and compose long winded accounts of myself for Internet publication.

I work for the government (I know, contradiction in terms) and deal with the public, namely those who for whatever reason have been unemployed longer than it takes for the military to admit errors, or longer even than the commercial breaks on Sky One. I have a special interest in crap excuses, for example "I couldn't come in today because had to go to my Gran's funeral" (for the fourth time), "I couldn't apply for that job because my dog was having dizzy spells" and "I forgot the interview because I had a rectal prolapse the day before". If any of my previous clients are reading this, thanks for taxing your imaginations.

My favourite discussions are the semi-serious ones I sometimes have about religion or politics, but I also have a well balanced sense of inanity and meaningless drivel such as is found in various daily tabloids and on the U.K. National Lottery programmes on television. I particularly like dropping in to mental wards occasionally on a voluntary basis and discussing conspiracy facts and talking a load of old pants about the nature of awareness with long-term patients .

My intolerant wife, myself and four children live in a house in Oxfordshire, and if you ever get fed up with telephone calls about double-glazing, tell them you rent from the council. I often get a continuous tone before I've finished the sentence. My favourite foods are whole chickens and a large donor kebab please mate, I am 6' 2" tall, I have no paunch or hair loss and I don't drink Southern Comfort unless I wish to be put up for the night in a police station.

All the best.

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