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Identity... Identity

Post 1


We need a difference that makes us what we are, we wear names like badges to distinguish ourselves in the world from others and with these names we gain one path of being understood and recognised. Have been on anti-depressants for over seven months and though I feel considerably better, tonight my head feels heavily laden.

A million things should be spiralling on in my head but the truth is, I feel that I can't be bothered to do anything, to talk with anyone nor even read material I've written. Some might say I should give myself a break but the the poiint is, I have, I don't work and I feel well- depressed- depressed that I am not a person. I feel less like a part of society, standing outside more as I try to come to terms with understanding myself. My desires are untamed and unleashed, running blindly unchecked becoming more puzzled and distorted as time carries on, even now while I try to type this, I can feel strong abdominal spasms. Stress is working against me.

I want to belong with the 'norm' of society, blending in with everyone but I stand out too much and I can feel it, my aspergers, I have an understanding of it, it has a presence in my mind. I feel empty, lacking something and as I consider my position in society, my mind drifts to the future and what life holds, as in my past I am thinking about the negative side of things. I feel lost, living a paradox of being alone yet wanting to be in the company of others.

I feel or try to feel that I can be something else and that by applying myself properly I can achieve anything but no sooner do I try to do this I get knocked down by appearing too arrogant and egotistical and immediately my perspective plunges far, far down. I want to be someone, I know I stand on the threshold of reality, unable to retreat to my "own little world" of autism yet unable to further forward into the world of the norm. I want to step into that world yet I'm fearful of the consequences, I suffer from fear of progress, of leaving here, this place, my home. Wanting to go somewhere in life yet afraid to leave this place for fear that something bad could happen. So many occasions that I want to put that aside and leave her, the humdrumity, as the world races by, people and acquaintances run onweard, changing as their lives progress but I stand at the back, wearing the same clothes, not bothering oral hygiene or wearing a watch. What's the point, I'm not going anywhere.

To be anyone in this world you need to be graded by a bureaucratic system that ignores the real senses and experiences thrust on people but judges your requirements purely by how good you study in various subjects. But if I want to go the next step, it would mean going to college to study subjects that have no appeal to me and those that have been watered down significantly to the point of it loosing interest for me, what am I to do???!

I don't want to go back to school or college because for me I did that course already, I came out the other side chewed up and spat out and to go throufgh it all over again undertaking lessons by which I have no interest in at all I will feel even more so unhappy. Plus the real reason why I should return to college would be to socialise but I would stand out, relegated to a particular class caste rather than just be a mass of humanity, we would be sub-divided and seeing as I've always been a loner- thank you, Aspergers, I've never known the need for others, as I've progressed through life, that side of my personality has become lesser present and now I feel that I need, badly need company of any kind yet I feel that I will be ignored or relegated to a specific group, attract the wrong kind of attention and the like.

I need an identity. Ironic really that I can create fictional characters that appear so very real and one of them I took traits from myself to generate him with yet I cannot be that character. I feel at times like an empathic chameleon, blending in with various groups yet not actually being like them, knowing that I am the impostor.
What should I do? There must be an answer to these ceaseless ponderings by me, part of me wants to retreat yet the other half knows that I cannot, one days things will be different to affect my current situation and will I be able to cope?

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Identity... Identity

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