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azahar Posted Apr 4, 2009
Just sent you an email with my home address (I think that's what you wanted?)
Anyhow, these new meds are the shizznit. I can't believe it's day 3 after the infusion and I've actually gone out for a walk. Last time I couldn't leave my bed for four days and felt so nauseous all the time but couldn't sleep. It was awful.
On these new meds naps are *not* an option and I can't seem to concentrate much or type without difficulty, but at least I don't feel sick all the time.
Speaking of naps, I think I feel one coming on now ...
azahar Posted Apr 21, 2009
I’m afraid that since February, when I had four possible “jobs” in the making, things haven’t gone quite as planned. Well, the first big deal was finding out I have cancer again and am back on chemo. Then the three English classes a week that I had decreased rather than increased (just have one class at the moment - the other student had an abrupt change in his university plans). I also bottomed out for awhile and couldn’t seem to focus very well. But I think I’m getting back on track again and am trying to stay busy …
The other day I did a bit of nifty multi-tasking by combining a morning bike ride with a pre-port installation blood test at the hospital, which will also be used for next week’s chemo infusion. While I was at the hospital I thought I’d check in and see why I hadn’t heard back about my port appointment. And good thing I did! I was sent over to the doctors’ surgery and they said they remembered my name but that next Tuesday they were already booked up. So I asked if I could get in either on Friday or Monday, as my oncologist had requested, and they said they only did ports on Tuesday evenings, and only did three at a time. Huh?
I ask you. Isn’t this information all oncologists should have? Honestly. So then one of the doctors said he could talk to the anaesthetist and surgeon to see if they might squeeze in one more patient next Tuesday … at which point I shamelessly went all pathetic and told them how awful it was getting it in the hand, showed them where my left hand was (and still is) swollen, went on about how much it hurt, blah, blah. And a few hours later I got a phone call from the very sympathetic doctor saying they were going to get me in the next Tuesday (today) at 4.30. Yay!
So yeah, since I’m going to need a blood test every three weeks, I’m thinking of always incorporating it into a morning bike ride and, if I time it right, get home again in time to go to pilates class (well, if/when I start back with pilates). Anything to not make it feel like a trip to the hospital. And, as I have already proved to myself, I can actually do this one on my own.
Meanwhile, got a big hospital week happening and am still looking for friends to accompany me. Aside from the port installation today, I’ll be seeing my oncologist tomorrow and will have the next chemo infusion on Thursday. Whew! I’ve been trying to work out some sort of “buddy system” so that I’m not always asking the same people to come with me, and so I don’t feel like such a burden. We’ll see how that goes…
And as if all this cancer stuff wasn’t enough, I’m also at my wit’s end with worry about having no work and (almost worse) no clear idea about how I can make things better. It all looks pretty hopeless sometimes. Because although I am in desperate need of fish at the moment, what I actually need even more is help with fishing. As in where to be fishing right now and how to go about it. It’s clear that I can’t just rely on English teaching anymore and, although I really have been working my butt off these past few months, the projects I have going have yet to bear fruit and I’m starting to worry that they never will. I end up not even knowing what the next step(s) should be. The weekly “list and brainstorming sessions” really helped me a lot, but those stopped a couple of months ago and I’ve been floundering ever since.
All my life I’ve been used to doing things on my own, relying on myself for just about everything. It scares the hell out of me to be so dependent on other people now. It keeps me awake nights not knowing how to make things better. It’s really wearing me down. All this “one day at a time” stuff sounds good until it gets whittled down to “one hour at a time” and then to “just do one thing”. I can see the usefulness of all that as a temporary means of getting through crises, but it’s not how I want to live my life. Except that I am honestly way too overwhelmed to do anything else.
I can cope with living with cancer as a chronic illness (should I end up that lucky).
I can deal with being broke and scrambling to get work to pull things together financially.
But I can’t seem to do both. At least not by myself. And that scares me.
azahar Posted May 5, 2009
It's my first "cancer anniversary" today ...
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