h2g2 The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy: Earth Edition

Thanks!

I have a lot of new story ideas, but they're proceeding slowly, alas.

1552 sprang from the idea that the world has had so many crazy rulers that we might as well just choose the craziest one when we have leadership slots to fill. Chances are, that's what we'll end up with anyway. < I look at American Presidents that I didn't particularly like, but when I see how much abuse was hurled at them, I'm involuntarily forced to feel compassion. I like Obama, but I see him morphing into a nervouse wreck, as Bill Clinton started to do...

I have lots of new story ideas too but, as they have been stolen from other people, I am having to hold back until my lawyers sort out the copyright problems.

You have no idea how difficult it is to find horse's heads these days.

I have one in my garage. It's made out of straw, plaster, and bronzing. My grandfather made it for me years ago when I was a child.

People *still* think it's creepy. I was asked if we could remove it to the garage when we were selling our house as Mr Vip thought it could freak out potential buyers.

A crisis has been caused by the quantum frequency matrix from when I was watching my Harry Potter DVD which is broadcasting all my neighbour's loud conversations and her cds of Little Boots and Lady Gaga being played on her cd player simultaneously whilst she is watching the television on full blast stereo that is causing a rapid quantum experience to envelop the whole of my flat.

As a result of this, my computer is experiencing phased warp phenomonen which also has activated my television's photonic particle actuator which has resulted in attracting a large group of very agitated high flying sales executives who are all banging at my door demanding that I sign up to their various contacts and deals.

~~Communication barriers~~

"People of Earth, I am deeply sorry about what has happened here," the Queen said, weeping. "My home planet orbits a dying star. Our
intelligence and superior technology can't offset that. We visited you, hoping to share your rainforest. You feared us and attacked. We defended ourselves. Now trees lie lifeless on the ground. Your homes are rubble. We have dead to bury, as do you. Can you understand *any* of what I am saying?"

They looked puzzled, so she translated the message into Hindi, then Spanish, then the rest of the 60 most widely spoken languages on Earth. They understood none of them.

"We chose the one spot on Earth where no global languages are spoken," she told the remaining crew members in the ship that orbitted the Earth. "Come get me."

But their equipment was damaged. They never got her message, and returned to their planet without her.

[150 words]

~~End of World, May 21, 2011 [rough draft]~~

Announcer: Today's top story is the end of the world. The Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse arrived at 12:01 this morning, and they agreed to let us interview them. Here are some highlights from that interview:

War: Actually, I have rarely left your planet -- too busy, basically. I do get R & R from time to time. So, I was a lovely tropical p0lanet near Riga when I got the call about today's E.O.W. I told God that there's war on Earth whether I'm there or not,
but He said I had to go. So here I am.

Famine: There just wasn't enough time to do my work properly, at least on the scale that was needed. Starvation takes months in countries where most of the people are overweight, plus I don't have the manpower -- or horsepower -- to hunt down the caches where people hide snacks. God said, "Just do your best. The other horsemen will handle whatever you can't."

Pestilence: I can work faster than Famine, but it's not easy, as most of my big successes come with slow-acting things like AIDS, or malaria, or TB. I do have a few fast-acting things up my sleeve, though: poisonous snakebites and poisoned mushrooms. Distribution's a problem.

Madness: Don't worry about distribution, Pestilence. Just make plenty of Kool-Aid, and I will take it from there....

Two brilliantly written stories Paul.

I found myself in a room with a group of very anxious people who were waiting for the long awaited time where they would escape planet by being taken up into the mothership but after hours of anxious waiting, none of the group had been taken up.

After information came to them through an email that my blood consisted of 80% of Gallifreyan and 20% Human DNA which as a result I was allowed to join their elite group.

But as I did not want to spend hours fruitlessly waiting for the non-existant mothership, I spent my time transforming the room by putting my hands on the walls and by using my psychic energy it slowly transformed the room making the interior ten times bigger than the exterior, as it evolved into a magnificent multi-generational starship.

Before the starship left orbit, we saw a very strange sight below, it looked like a cross between Tracey Island and Kennedy Space Centre with a long line of gigantic space rockets that looked like that they had never been used and where only there for display purposes.

"Two brilliantly written stories Paul"

Thanks. If the world actually does end, I will have egg on my face. No one will be around to notice it, though.

Dorothy watched the Wizard's balloon grow steadily smaller against the sky until it disappeared.

"He's not coming back for you. Sorry," the Scarecrow said, putting his arm around her shoulder.

Dorothy smiled at him and noticed a familiar couple that was coming her way. "Aunty Em!" Uncle Henry!" she exclaimed. "How did you get here?"

"We took the next cyclone to Oz," said Auntie Em, hugging her.

"How did you know I had come to Oz?"

"We used Google," Uncle Henry explained. "You Tube has your witch-melting scene -- three million hits and counting. Great job, but we're going to be ruined if her lawyers come after us!"

"Google? You Tube? What are those?" Dorothy exclaimed.

Aunty Em blinked. "Henry, that cyclone took us to the wrong century." The two hopped on a passing cyclone and vanished.

"Don't worry, Dorothy" the Scarecrow said. "Everything will be explained in the sequels..."

[150 words]

"Tell us how you got into sofa-racing, Jim."

"It's the family business, Kelly. My grandfather's back was always sore from rearranging furniture for Grandma, so one day he added wheels and a steering wheel to his sofa."

"When did he install a motor?"

"Well, his poker buddies came over every Friday. The sofa upstaged the poker game. They wanted *their* friends to see the sofa, too. He installed a lawn mower motor and began driving the sofa all over the city. By now, demand was immense! He built a factory to supply sofas for all who wanted them."

"That was just the beginning, right?"

"Right! He put an aerodynamic glass dome over the sofa to keep rain and snow out. We now have the most aerodynamic, fuel-thrifty sofas on the road. Deluxe models have beverage and pastry dispensers. We regularly win sofa races."

"Tell us your slogan."

"Sofa, so good."

[150 words]

~~Statuary of limitations~~

"You and I are the oldest gargoyles in the city," said Plucktwaddle.

"Yes," Primbleclutch replied. "The first Earl of Poddlechester put us over his front door 400 years ago to protect his household from evil in any of its forms."

"Have we done a good job?"

"Very much so!"

"Then why does the new Earl think we can't do it alone any more?"

"You're talking about the marble lions."

"Indeed."

"Would an introduction help?" said the lion on the right. "I'm Altendorf, and my partner is Feggleschmidt. We guard the front steps and the lawns. The house is your bailiwick Let's be friends. Really!"

"Okay, fine," said Plucktwaddle. "I just don't get why the Earl thinks his steps and lawns are threatened."

"It's the software billionaire across the street," said Feggleschmidt. "His lawn is infested with marble zebras. If they ever invade us, we're ready to pounce on them!"

[149 words]

Sorry Paulh that story didn't really work for me. I think it was the missing word!

As arrival of the bewildered groups of people who had been waiting to be taken up to the mothership, were congrating in the main reception area of the multi-generational starship and were asking why none of them were being experimented on.

I had to svery lowly explain that any medical procedures done to them would be only done if they were suffering any medical complaint and that tricorders and other technology to find out more about the workings of the human body rather than bizarre and very unnecessary medical procedures.

I then had to explain that this vessel was equipped with 26th century technology with site to site transporters, large parks, entertainment zones, educational facilities, and would it would be powered by tranwarp engines.

Meanwhile in the entertainment zones there was a Bay City rollers concert with an immense crowd of screaming middle aged women and the commentator for the event was Lorraine Kelly.

"Sorry Paulh that story didn't really work for me. I think it was the missing word!" [pebblederook]

Here it is, then:

Touche!

~~The Fountain of Futility~~

"Stanislaus Quigley? My word, it really is you!" he exclaimed, wading ashore and kneeling at the great explorer's feet.

"Livingston Frothingham," Stanislaus said, wide-eyed with astonishment. "How did you know I'd be here?"

"I didn't," Livingston replied, sitting beside Stanislaus on the only tussock that wasn't underwater. "The Meretricious Foundation paid all my expenses and said no one else was looking for the Fountain."

"Ditto for Bagley Expeditions. They just said there were some new clues about the Fountain of Youth, and here I am!"

"That's different. I'm looking for the Fountain of Futility."

"Do you suppose they're one and the same?"

A young guy waved from the nearest island. "Ponce de Leon over there thinks they are," said Stanislaus. "He'll age if he leaves."

"Grab your GPS and alert the financiers. This could be a theme park."

The drone of helicopters could be heard in the distance.

[150 words]

"It's on an island, a sort of eternal youth theme park", said Frank, sitting round the battered pot bellied stove in the general store with the other old timers.

"How does it work then", said Bill, whittling on the same piece of wood that he had started on in the unusually cold winter of '63, "will it maintain you at the age you are when you arrive or does it regress you to the age you want to be?"

"The only time being young is of any use is when you have grown old and can enjoy regretting what you did or didn't do", chipped in Dave, rocking gently back in his chair and, as he had done for fifty years, just reaching the point of overbalancing before rocking forwards again.

"Without, of course, any obligation or hope of actually putting it all right", chuckled Walter, whom town legend had it had actually bought something in the store forty years previously.

"All I know about the old days," said Ron, the store's owner, "is that contrary to all the stories you hear, no one ever sat around a battered pot bellied stove all day whittling and gossipping", which was a shame because at that moment all the characters suddenly vanished in a puff of reality and two hundred and twenty two words.

<laugh<>

I've been in stores like that.

As the crowd of middle aged women departed the entertainment area they found themselves in a holodeck reproduction of Old York where there was a white haired man outside a very old looking Inn offering to cut and style hair for a £5 and it would only take him two minutes to do each person.

Even though none of the women did not have anymore, they managed to pay the man with money which was dispersed from the replicator unit and all 200 women got their hair done in 20 minutes flat by the use of a magic wand and a few incantations.

The other women explored Old York town where it was full of haunted buildings where they visited York Castle, Clifford's Tower, Bootham Bar and Bars of York which now were filled with pubs where they had a few pints .

As walked through this immense starship, I met up with a man who was interviewing new arrivals about their expectations and experience since they first came aboard yesterday morning and did they think it was real or imaginary.

I showed him the blueprints of the space ship along with it's schematics and that the purpose of this and the other 13 intergalatic vessels was to bring the 7 billion inhabitants to a 14 new and it would also give everyone a chance to experience space travel.

There was also a large number (about 60%) of the inhabitants who were experiencing a second childhood and they could be as young as they want, until they felt ready to grow up which they could postpone as long as they want.