h2g2 The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy: Earth Edition

My true zodiac sign is the crab,
and its true that I always love to be by the sea,
eating a chocolate slab that makes me feel fab,
along with a salad and slices of brie.

But in the Western zodiac they say I am a Leo,
and that I am an extrovert who loves to holiday in Rio.
That I love to be the centre of attention,
in preparation for my spiritual ascension.

I am also more like a Capricorn which is my ascendant sign
and can be very melancholy and rather withdrawn
when I am mulling over the mysteries of life as I gaze over the river Tyne,
or listening to the birds sings when sitting on my back garden lawn.

Silurius woke and sniffed the air,
Troubled that the sulphurous reek
Still burned his nose and curled his hair.
The smell had lingered for s week.

You're beautiful it's true that you look great dressed in blue
with your very funky looking tattoo of a kangaroo dancing in a canoe.
The smile on your face when your presented with the Mayor's Mace
on becoming the space ace who's won the warp drive space race.

the long
distance runner
swept
by my window
today

horay!
thanks!
i've been
meaning
to do that

"An afternoon with Mike"

i've been bitten by a dog
witnessed a standing sleeping hog
and stuffed my pockets with 3 weeks worth of pay
they say you're what you eat
well i'm bannanas and nutty sweet
i havn't been anywhere
but all i know is
i'm very glad that i am back!


Yay!

It was a dark and stormy night.
Happily, my stuff was watertight.

I know a dog called Ted who's part lurcher
and is also known as a marrow bone cruncher.
And is also part Bedlington terrier,
as he is reputed to get merrier
when watching a farrier get hairier.

it is a dark and lonesome night
out of sight where stray dogs never prowl
all thats left are aches and pains
mementos from lifes stage play put on today
with countless million possiblilities
connected to the wide world in this subterrianian space
my bum aches
in ten years the cushion on my seat has worn away

It's all right to buy a new cushion for your chair.
Let me know if you'd like other tips we could share.

Jus' truckin'
An' buckin'
In buckskin
an' muckin'
About an duckin'
The ducklin'
An' cluckin'
An' bucklin'
an' finally tuckin'
An' suckin'
An' filigree.

Who stole a
cookie from
the cookie
jar? Who? Me?

Boris the very eccentric dog

Boris is a very eccentric dog
as he always loves to dip slices of chocolate log
in his glass of egg nog
whenever he's out on a jog
wearing designer wooden clogs
whilst his owner Steve is wrapped up in a quilt
as he has large split in his tartan kilt
whilst observing Davy Down's dancing frogs.

i am a boat and i float
and sometimes i bob around
one of my first fond memories
being smashed with a big bottle of

My Magneto dream

I keep on dreaming about Magneto
who lives with his family in their chateau.
Has a chain of shops who sell his specially made gateau
that causes people who eat them to glow
and it gives them unlimited superhuman powers
which increase every night in the small hours
or whenever they walking by a bed of flowers
and whenever it's cloudy and during rain showers.

Dancing frogs must be a sight to behold.
To see them, I would surely part with much gold.

I ate a toad
I found it squashed in the road
It tasted slightly of green mould
Like the stuff the're selling cheap down Tescos

Whisky calling for another bout of dry stone walling,
after installing the appalling mothballing,
of the lineoum kitchen and bathroom tile flooring,
whenever there's an outpouring of lion roaring
which causes people to fall asleep and start snoring.

The trees had seen enough for one summer.
One by one, their leaves turned yellow or red.
The birds got nervous and flew further south.
The little frogs dug burrows to make a bed.

I am happy when I am sad
whenever I am dressed in plaid.
And I am sad when I am happy
whenever I'm feeling very peppy.

We of the Bad Poets Society
Focus on lowering our standards
Regularly and eschewing propriety.
Rhyming words are nice, but not necessary.