h2g2 The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy: Earth Edition

I am ever so lonely for being the one and only
person who acts and thinks very serenely
when trying to act divinely
with my thoughts of spiritually ascending the oak tree
to help me foresee the winning numbers of the national lottery
and be able to afford to sail the seven seas
and eat the most expensively made cheese
wearing a silk golden coloured chemise.

I am the grumpy poet, and don't know why.
I crave novelty, that and more of the pie,
The pie of life that nourishes us all.
It waits on my doorstep. It has ocme to call.

How do you know it's a repeat,
Is your memory that fine.
Perhaps synapses died on you,
At the moment you saw that line.

Perhaps a spooky time warp here,
"I've read those lines I'm sure".
Don't talk to me bout deja vu,
I've seen it all before.

In his autobiography, Mark Twain said
That due to age his memory had declined.
He had forgotten much of what had happened,
So only what had *not* happened remained in his mind.

You you're such a big star to me
you really have to agree
that you're the queen bee
so why don't we have afternoon tea
by the sea by the bay tree
eating salad sandwiches filled with brie.

But your stuck in a hole
with a mole who's trying to be droll
about the time when he climbed a tree's bole
whilst listening to rock and roll
on his c.d. player when trying to stay emotionally in control
about dancing around the maypole with a foal.

I want you to get out
and try different foods like sauerkraut
served with brussels sprouts and freshly caught rainbow trout.
I know you like to pray and meditate as you're so devout
with your thoughts set on world peace and end to all droughts
and finding a cure for gout by drinking a pint of stout .
As well as become a benefactor and leader of the village scouts.

But I know that its time for you to leave
and think out of the box which will help you to perceive
new ways of seeing the world as you begin to qui vive
for cosmic changes and with many graces and powers you'll receive.
We belong to the earth and we are part of the cosmic web which we weave.

We're all just pushing along
and learning how to play ping pong
and singing the same old song
on how childhood is so very short and adulthood is so long
and what's happening to our world is so wrong
as things have got to change by practising meditation and qigong.

Oh your anticipation holds you down
especially when you've got a long frown
wearing you're golden crown
and you're long flowing gown
but still it does not make you happy even when visited by a clown
who can't uplift your mood and it doesn't get better when you're shopping in town.

You go to all the grand balls
and shopping at market stalls
this leaves you feeling empty and wanting to bawl
so you wrap yourself in an emotional protective shawl
of golden white light that stops you going on a pub crawl
and gives you courage and strength when facing the curtain call.

Stop, stop, being so hard on yourself
you'll never be left on the shelf
all you need is to improve your spiritual and physical health
by focusing your thoughts and energy on emotional wealth
that'll increase by your positive thoughts and becoming like a Middle Earth elf .
You'll find answers to your life's problems from within to help to accept yourself.

I know that you can change
and not live in the city but on the home range
from a materialistic life you'll exchange
to a more spiritual orientated one with your priorities you'll rearrange
With your focus of your life changed encompassing the fringe
and the more unusual aspects of life and all it's challenges.

So clear your head and come round
and your critics they'll be all confounded
with the new you and your search of the profound
and deep hidden meanings that you encounter in your dreams which astound
you with their deep messages even which will keep you grounded.
You'll be more in tune with your senses with inner beauty you'll expound.

You only have to open your eyes
and you'll see more than a bag of french fries
with new spiritual lessons learned you'll become very wise
and be able to give information and advice
to friends and family on how to win life's prize
and find their own life's purpose by embarking on a new enterprise.

You'll feel good even wearing a cloak and hood
and practising your spiritual exercises which will enhance your mood
along with walking through the woods when feeling misunderstood
gaining new insights from the new as well as the auld
so this will help you break the mould
with your new lifestyle and being protected by a new dynamic energy fauld.

And you might want to smile, smile , smile,
or even walk a mile alone or with your friends on an Isle
help you deflect negative thoughts and energy that is hostile
that will make you feel low but now you have a new style
and new ways of creative expression with an imagination that's so fertile.

You'll be able to make those who are hostile more docile
and you'll be able to win people over with a cup of camomile
and becoming a nature-phile and be able to draw new ideas by being distractile
through inspiration from every day events from what would like to be an exile
far from your homeland and learning to become more tactile.
Making your life become stable and be able to decipher signs that are subtle.

Ooh you'll never be feel blue when you make your cinema debut
and you'll pull through and with new abilities and wisdom you'll accrue
so come and lead the peace revolution and coup and change your life's view
so come and take a pew and have a bowlful of stew
or sample some of this cheese fondue and commune with the kangaroo
who used to live in a zoo and is now teaching people how to sail in a canoe.

So come on and visit Ron who has now become the university don
who helps to look after the swans who rise up at dawn
to dance and eat a breakfast of pecans which tastes very bon
along with a meal of fish and prawns on the verdant lawn
where they have a game of croquet and take tea with Sean and John
as well Juan who wears clothes made of chiffon and both run a hairdressing salon.

Don't know what you're waiting for
because there'll be more than just food served at four
you'll be listening to tales of yore and examples of avant garde decor
and many ways of exploring the unknown with mysteries galore
to be solved and beauty to behold which you can't ignore
and perhaps a chance to join the peace corps.

Your time is coming so don't be late
to meet your mate at the summer fete
which will be great right up until eight
where you'll be served a plate of grilled skate
with salmon pate which will weigh quite a weight
which will help with your emotional growth rate.

Oh come on see the light on your face
and wear only clothes heavily embroidered with lace
and ornate stitching and listen to a viola bass
when being serenaded when escaping from the rat race
and perhaps one day you may even travel into outer space
and make first contact with an alien race.

Let it shine, just let it shine, let it shine
and let your thoughts flow when drinking a glass of wine
turning malign energies into benign ones making you feel fine
when dining by the river Tyne waiting for a heavenly sign
that you will help you connect with the divine and put your negativity in decline.
Taking a retreat for rest and relaxation as entwine yourself around a tree pine.

So go and let go of your inner demons
when hearing the cosmic summons
to release all your fears and insecurities by having tea with a slice of lemon
And having a meal of poached salmon and baked apples sprinkled with cinnamon
or by having a barbequed gammon marinaded in spiced sauces using cardamon
whilst listening to Damon and Solomon's long ecological sermon.

I am not Letitia Parboil,
Nor Kitty Foyle.
I might, however, be Olive Oyl.
Go tell Mrs. Merrimack.

Everybody is drinking
when they start winking
as they begin thinking
about why they're all shrinking
when their bodies start sinking
as they attempt plinking
with cans and tins that are stinking
which helps them with their psychic linking.

Some have thought I was Grendel,
Or maybe Gregor Mendel,
Or "Hallelujah Chorus" Haendel.
I want my quarter back!

There is a clone of Joan
who blethers every day on the phone
about all her bushes which one of is a magnolia
plant where she has her own stone throne
perfumed with cologne
which comes in from the monthly cyclone
changing the shape of their homes
with their roofs changing into chrome domes.

My brain rots
Bit by bit
Day by day,
Corrupted by bad poetry,
Crimes of bad grammar,
And.

Dogs jog in the fog
wearing wooden clogs
and sit on wooden logs
looking at clocks with intricate cogs
drinking a glass of eggnog
and wrapped in a quilt which is high in togs
wondering will there be a lot of snow
coming not only on the hills but on the plateaus,
and will Joe go with the flow with Flo
to go and see the latest West End show.

Do not dispair if love is rare
I am still there, Oh! you don't care?
That's not fair: why do you stare?
I love your hair, so long and fair
And what you wear, you silly mare
Is neither here nor there
I much prefer you bare.

The sun shines in splendid majesty
As I seek the shade of a well-leaved tree.

There's a cat called that lives in a penthouse flat
who wears a top hat whenever meditating on a yoga mat
becoming totally relaxed and totally zen
and shouts at the end of session with one big amen
then goes into the kitchen to a have a savoury snack
a few slices of cold meat and roasted lamb rack.

In hottest weather, I've the company of a cat
Who curls up on my porch from night through dawn.
My overhang provides the cat with shade. I figure that
When cooler weather comes, she'll just move on.

Before I forget what it was like to be a teen-
ager I hope to get my letter from the Queen
All of my friends have already gone off to Heaven
That's where my mum said that my daddy went, when I was only seven.

No letters from the Queen for me.
I don't live in the same land as she.
If I beocme a centennarian gent,
A card might come from the President.

Live in a garden shed with Ted
and his magic snow sled
who has a pet dog and a frog
who both drink eggnogs sitting on a log
and give each other a big fat juicy kiss
but most of the time they miss
and fall on the ground giggling
as they do a funny dance with their bodies wiggling.

Had a good many years and I've more to come aplenty
When Her Majesty sends the note she'll be well past 120
Poor lady must be fair worn out, writing all those letters
To the likes of us who doffs our caps and bows before our betters

We don't live in palaces, eh! you should see our place
With birdsnests in the guttering it is a right disgrace.
No Lords or Earls would visit us they'ed hold their noses and say
That is the smell of the common man, we can no longer stay.

As they depart with a noble heart we grovel, we scrape and bow
So glad to have met such Gentlemen fair with no sweat upon their brow
For we know that our place in this thankless world is to toil for them till we drops
We knows our place, and are ready to face the shame of it all till it stops.

For we are the Yoemen of England, the bowmen
Punished for showing our bravery
Our work is our service and we are no showmen
We much prefer serfdom to slavery.