h2g2 The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy: Earth Edition

I have an uneasy feeling
They'll screw up the U.S. debt ceiling.
The economy will tank,
There's a run on the bank,
And my home-grown potatoes I'm peeling.



(because we'll all be starving)

[..just because the last item triggered a memory of Peter Lind Hayes (1948)...]

The euro's down,
The pounds no better,
And this old summer,
Keeps getting wetter.
My cat just scratched me
When I tried to pet her,
Life's red in tooth and claw
Ain't it.

Prices rise,
Investments fall,
Only the bankers,
Are having a ball.
I don't seem to
Get anything at all.
Life gets lifeless,
Don't it.

My back's stiff,
My legs hurt.
The landlord's complaining
About all the dirt,
And I just found,
A hole in my shirt.
Life gets tedious,
Don't it.

I don't wanna do it!
I don't wanna have grit in my oven mit!
I don't wanna to learn how to knit!
I don't wanna have to sit and eat another banana split!
I don't wanna to watch my home have another refit!
I don't wanna submit to listening to endless puns and witty wit!
I don't wanna another look around disused coal pits!
I don't wanna pay anymore restaurant chits!

Say yup to the pup who drinks tea out of a goblet sized cup.
Say yup to the pup drinking out of loving cup when having a bust up
with a bottle of tomato ketchup when putting on their makeup
and trying to act like a grownup by organising the puppies playgroup.

Say yup to the pup that loves to say yep to the holiday rep
who's full of pep and energy about being a fan of Johnny Depp
and is an expert at dancing the quickstep
which was learned as a prep who was a style hep at the fashion dep.

Those who write endless strings
Of bad puns should not complain
When asked to read those by others.
Instead, let's all drink champagne.

You know me; I never complain
Just make it tea and not champagne
I manage very well on a tenner a day
How you do it on a dollar I just can't say
There's a dead jazz singer making us sad
A massacre in Norway; a famine in Chad
The Horn of Africa is very unstable
While I'm having my tea they've got nothing on the table
Wishing that the world was a nicer place
Redistribute the wealth, don't feed your face.

I'm glad not to be
In Washington, D.C.,
Where pols can argue for years
And never agree.

Get yourself down to Ocean City
No air-condish, but the girls are so pretty
There's Atlantic City just across the way
If you feel like gambling it all away
Or pop over to Wildwood for a icecream and a talk
Do some in-line skating on the old board walk
A bit of body surfing if it's not too rough
New Jersey is the place for all of that stuff.

An Ice-cream and a nice cream are two different things
But a icecream just sounds wrong.....the way that it rings
An icecream van makes a very jolly sound
But a icecream van would have no kids around.

When I'm wearing my Nora Batty wrinkled stockings
and listening to Mrs Dale's Diary whilst going over the day's takings
men come up to me when I'm being flexible doing my yoga and calling me sexy.
They all agree to have a cup of tea and listen to me wail like a banshee.

When I've grown up I want to sup tea out of golden cup
and have the sweetest golden retriever companion pup
who like to say yup when putting on their makeup
and likes to have a brush up after about of croup.

I want become famous and to be called Shamus
or Seamus or Amos and look at the mandible's ramus
I want my wealth to increase enormously and never to suffer from stress
and to be able to do the Times Crosswords done by Daedalus.

I want to become a big star
and have a stretch limousine car
which will have it's own bar
and keep the door ajar when I smoke my cigar.

I want to be in the movies
and to have with my pizza to be topped with lots of anchovies
and always be able to supply my fans with bevies
when I'm dressed in my civvies or with my heavies who are navies.

I want to see the world
and have my hair all put up and curled.
I want to have my dreamworld
become real and eat chocolate that's been swirled.

My brother's family is on the New Jersey shore.
They'll be there for two weeks or more.

Dave will you please behave!
Dave will you will you please get out of the cave!
Dave will you you please will you please gave me a wave!
Dave will you please go and have hair cut and a shave!

Dave are you going to be brave?
Dave are you going to the rave?
Dave are you going to money save?
Dave is Pele your favourite football goal save?

They wander the laundromat at night.
They are Lint Babies.
They were brought back to life
By Doctor Lintenstein

And his hideaus helper Igor,
Who cracks the whip in his sweatshop
While Third World weavers
Weave the lint into sinister babies.

I was lost in my teapot
when I thought I saw a robot
who was covered in polka dots
and wrapped around in rope with reef knots.

And told me that tweeted with robots on Twitter
about how life is so very boring trying to keep fitter
than the critters who are covered in glitter
and try to take our jobs away by picking up the litter.

I've never worn a wedding gown
And don't expect to wear one.
I won't let such things weigh me down,
Unless my friends might dare one.

Promise to make you happy, my dear chappy
and that I'll never be snappy when your being preppy
and so excited by the sweet adorable puppy
as well as the thought of a journey to the chippy
to get a large portion of fish and chips that will make you feel zippy.

I will bend my finger as I linger over preparing ladyfinger
which will be used to decorate the cake which will alleviate your hunger.
Hope that you won't bump into your own doppelganger
in your wardrobe who'll attack you with a wooden clothes hanger,
or with a bowlful of pink blancmange and say that's he's one of the Marvel Avengers.

While you all flambouantly satisfy your needs
With succulent sausages and other rare feeds
Think of the wretched lonely slimmer
As you admire the way that a jelly can glimmer
Marvel at how light the usual meringue
Is compared to the lamb that has recently sprang
From your oven, with dumplings, with carrots and gravy
While the slimmer's all at sea like a man in the Navy
Who signed as a boy for the whole world to see
But then got a shore posting and ne're went to sea.

I'm sure you can eat what you want,
Without a slim waist you can flaunt.
Your food, can you bear it?
You eat it, you wear it.
Your fat is the ultimate haunt.

Go everywhere with the bear that dances like Fred Astaire
wearing 70's trousers flares and a flowered silk head square
and has been made Lord Mayor and reads comics about Dan Dare.
Always goes to social functions by riding a mare
and starts every meeting with a prayer to the Great Bear
but does the flower dance when opening the Fun fair
especially learning that he's become a multi-millionaire
by coming into an inheritance and getting a 12 bedroom house in Pall Mall Square.

I'm sure I've seen that last poem before.
I'm not just imagining this.
Running out of material, no new lore.
Of death, this must be the kiss.