h2g2 The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy: Earth Edition

Errors make us interesting, my friend.
Airrows fly through the air.
Airrings dangle from the airlobes.
Its the end of an aira, old chap,
And the younger chaps, too.
Even in the High Chapparal.

Come lets all turn to the left
which will stop us feeling bereft
about the amount of chocolate theft
that requires a great deal of deft
which if caught causes a gill cleft
to appear on your neck and your cloak is then covered in weft.

Comes lets all turn to the right
and it will increase our height
making us all feel more bright
about doing the right thing on becoming either a wainwright,
or a cartwright, or even a playwright or best of all a shipwright
and become contrite about teaching the barrow wight how to fight.

Well it costs all lot of money, money, money, to become very funny, funny.
It makes life sunny, sunny, sunny, wearing clothes made of gunny, gunny
and everyone calling us hinny when wearing a pinny at the hootenanny
where everyone goes down the Swanny river nearby the spinny
having a few tinnies with their scran as they play catchpenny
with their grannies and watch the bonny bunny being canny about eating running honey.

All those who abide in the far North
go back and forth to the estuary the Firth of Forth
and have deep discussions about the wood carvings done by Hogarth
and their memories of reciting the poems of Wordsworth
when visiting the Lake District and then go shopping at Kenilworth
which fills everyone with much joy and much mirth
that everyone feels that they have their pennies worth.

So all of you who reside in the deep South
please remember not to go anywhere near the dragon's mouth
or you may end up in Plymouth and turn into a spotty youth
and only utter painful truths about how much you want to drink vermouth.
Or wish that your name is Ruth and that you want to drink real ale drouth
as your life starts to pass you by and you still have not become a famous sleuth.
As you gaze at the night sky looking into outer space using your altazimuth
remembering the times you holidayed in Dartmouth.

So all of you who's abode is in the sunny East
where life is one big feast
presided by Dr Hank McCoy aka The Beast
and where all women are all priests
who bake bread using the freshest of yeast
which when consumed life expectancy is greatly increased
and then all become great gymnasts who climb ships masts eating beef roasts
who's life is one big blast full of toasts.

Those who live in the Undying Lands of the West
are greatly blessed and knows what is best
for us all and how to become the best dressed
and wear the snazziest embroidered silk vests
that are always well pressed and fill the wearer with much zest
as they pass life's arduous tests consisting reading Reader's Digest's
of prize draws and other special offers which causes the reader to divest
and take part in a wine fest with the very best of high society who are easily impressed.

"I'm to the East of you," he said
to the very pretty girl pn his left.
"I'm also to the West of you,
If you go the other direction
And go all the way around the earth.
"Why would I want to do that?" she demanded.

Don't worry about the prices
because you have enough money to buy coconut ices
or unusual gadgets and hi-tech devices
that help you produce the best custard slices
and grown your own herbs and spices.

Life is full of funny surprises
when we met very quick tortoises
and become very rich from our successful financial enterprises
so are able to take luxury around the world cruises
to watch the whales, dolphins and the porpoises.

Life can be fun if you've money enough.
Having too little? Well, that may be tough.
But once you are rich, a great burden may fall
Upon you, which you'd lacked when you'd nothing at all.

Don't be sad when Brad
behaves like a cad
and is clad in plaid
being quite a lad
following the latest fad
in serving deep fried scad
in batter for supper at his penthouse pad
and boast about becoming a post-grad
and his luxury holidays in Chad.

Be light and airy.
Bid thoughts of death goodbye.
The Happiness Fairy
Will bake you a rutabaga pie.

Ode to a toad

I strode to a lonely toad
sitting on a lily pad
by the country road
travelled by folk all dressed in plaid
either by foot or by horse drawn carts
discussing past fishing expeditions
and their life's ambitions
much to the amusement of the toad who smiled
listening to the times when they prevailed and the voyages that they have sailed.

Isaac Newton, great man of science,
But terrible investor, put his reliance
Lost large sums in the South Seas Bubble.
This proves *anyone* can run into trouble.

Rewrite of the previous poem:


Isaac Newton, great man of science,
But terrible investor, put his reliance
(and lost large sums) in the South Seas Bubble.
This proves *anyone* can run into trouble.

Paul - if Errors make us interesting

I must be one of tyhe [yawn] most interesting [yawn again| duds around



Yippee!

Jabs, you're definitely not a dud!

Jabs, you are interesting indeed.
I always wonder what will grow from your seed.

Stan had a plan to duy a new divan
and take it to his home in his van
where he lives with his nan called Anne
who cooks him his favourite scran
of quiche lorraine and blackberry flan
and sun bathe in the garden to get a lovely golden tan.

I imagined I stood on the parapets,
Whatever they are, flinging midgets
At an enemy army growling in spite,
For I was the kingdom's fiercest knight.

In seas of bees that sting my knees
And lavender that makes me sneeze
I'm forced to fester like a cheese
Or tubs of rotten anchovies
And all the while, if you please
I'm taunted by young Eloise
Who says I should be in Belize
Not listening to the Three Degrees
On one of their Greatest Hits CDs

Wink if you're favourite colour is pink
and you favourite animal is a mink.
Wink if you want to have a long cool drink
which you'll find next to the kitchen sink.

So go to the fridge and inside it you'll find a bridge
to another world of middle earth
near the Misty mountains ridge
and travel to Hobbiton and meet the hobbits full of mirth.

There'll be plenty of delicious food
and it will taste very good.
You always be in a good mood
and be given a cloak with an attached hood.

We headed for Hobbiton. 'Twas our destination,
But something went wrong. We ended up in Hoboken.
Our map contained errors -- someone's dire intention,
Or just a misled editor whose program was broken?

It doesn't half make my old arms ache
When I fly all the way in the middle of the day
When I fly off to Spain, to get away from the rain
Then go to the zoo for to see a kangeroo
But that didn't alter the people in Gibraltar
You have to take stock when you're living on a rock
They all smuggle fags in their carrier bags
The Police are driven wild, the tobacco is not mild
Some of them choose to blame it on the booze
They don't work after noon; bedtime comes too soon
So the dance all night, or start another fight.

I am glad to be home, no more will I roam.

I've never been to Gibraltar,
Nor have I called myself Walter.