h2g2 The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy: Earth Edition

There's method in your madnees,
And madness in your method, I guess.

i must confess
under duress
the mess

Something in rain
That make me wet again
More fun than a silly old sun
Less hurtful than a terrible pain
Yet
I get
Very wet!

Another muggy night
With the bed sheets I will fight
Sleep naked without a light
Passing moth deems Im an unpleasant sight

So in the shower I will go
Neither the moth nor others know
No more a bare bum I will show
I’ve got asleep and dream of drifts of snow

"Snow" and "July" don't belong in the same sentence,
Unless Argentina happens to be your residence.

High flying sales executives with their latest business jargon
trying to entice us to buy their hottest weekly bargain
will overwhelm with us their offers and how much we will save
which will enhance our lives so much it will become our fave
as we really must try their latest technological gadgets
that are truly energy saving and ecologically friendly
and if we join by a certain time you will get a bottle of chablis
along with a prize draw for one of our custom made kitchenettes.

I got lost walking through the woods all covered in frost
when I saw a couple repairing their jeep's car exhaust.
But they stopped when they saw me and started to dance
running around their car in a deep trance holding a golden lance.

The car started glowing, increasing their car maintenance knowing,
slowing down time when they began to have a game of bowls
making them feel easygoing when it started snowing
as they got their car going and sharing with me their cheese and salad rolls.

Got into their jeep and left me at the wine bar which was not very far
where I lived nearby the dinar run by a tar who played the guitar
and sitar which he got on holiday in Myanmar at a bazaar
where he met a woman related to the czars and who once was a movie star.

Let us go into the woods of Carvernain
Where dragons sleep in a decade-long trance,
And delicate fairy people board the elf train
To Throsslemuir for the Magic People's Dance.

I dunno why I'd ever go
Where they go in Idaho
All the barons gather there
All the guilt is there layed bare
Corner markets; start a war?
Guess they think that's what life's for
Slavery for those that cower
Wealth for those in search of power
I would sooner comb the beach
Than long for riches out of reach.

Comb the beach, then. Get a tan.
Folks will think "An active man!"

autobiodistical



I must go down to the sea again
To the lonely sea and the sky
I must go down to the sea again
To the lonely seatghe white gulls birds and the sky
To go down to the beach again
To the white sands, jet black rocks

I must go down to the sea again
Before being stuck in a numbered flat
drives me mad (or madder)
And before it's still ssdder
To go on about the sea, black rocks, the beach, the showers, rain,
As if there's any chance of me dying before I can get myself back there again.

thats actually quite beautiful jabberwock

I'm NOT lonely, said the sea,
Indeed my life is just swell.
Aside from the sailors drowning
There's the oil and the plastic as well.
And though I am always waving,
And the shore never waves back,
I am filled to the brim with fishes,
So for company I never can lack.
Sometimes I wish I could rest up,
And lie on a beach somewhere quiet.
I've seen all the humans a cooking,
And I've always hankered to try it.

I sit silently and alone beside the sea,
While the waves lap against my lap,
And the tide brings strange tidings
Of distant lands as screwed up as mine is.

You got me stuck in a truck
all covered in muck
and running out of luck
trying to find a bag of lost megabucks.

You got me stuck in a truck
with a duck called Mac and a bag of hockey pucks
running amok and shouting yuk
to the imaginary springbuck.

You got me stuck in a truck
as I try to take potluck
with a Canute called Chuck
who starting to cluck at the duck.

Chuck you got me set on repeat
listening to the beat of your drums
which you play in the midday heat
when you're feeling glum eating yum yums.

You got me set on repeat
when you cover yourself in a big white sheet
trying to look neat
and cool enough to join the eccentric elite.

A hundred yards out from shore,
Two seals bob in the waves,
Blank expressions on their faces.
Further out, a fishing boat floats,
Throwing fish into the ocean,
So as to confuse the normal order of things.

Now Frank's heading off to the Rock,
But won't be drinking around the clock.
He's taken the pledge
And eats lots of green veg -
I hope it won't cause writer's block.

Using impressive statistics
And an impressive long-haired dog who's just shaken 'imselth
To leave me shoaked thru and thru and all over called Mick
(and the sand
and my portable picture of Einstein wot I
carry everywhere with me - even there!)
I use those fiddlesticks and matchsticks to calculate someone's height,
You come out at four foot six.
Yes, Paul, you come out as six feet four, (or just possibly four foot six),
Paul. Enjoy. Very not possible you'll be this exact height again.

Unless I've made an error,
The first mistake in twenty years
[NERVOUS LOOK, down at his notebook in terror]

Listen to the beat of my drum.
It will stop you feeling glum.
So all you have to do is hum
when you hear the drum and I'll become you're chum
and I'll even share you my home grown plums,
so all you have to do is to stick out your thumb.

It will help you do your sums.
It will stop you becoming plump.
So come and chew your favourite gum
and drink a glass of best naval rum
poured over your favourite yum yums
and get out your guitar and start to strum.

So when you hear me shout
the latest cure for gout
or even how to make sauerkraut
and a sample of the best made stout
flavoured with brussels sprouts.
and I will tell you the jam free motorway routes.

Can you feel hip when you skip
eating a bag of chips
eaten with the creamiest of garlic dips
which you will give you the curviest hips
even when going on a long bus trip
to buy the latest superhero comic strip.

So go and copy me and and I'll teach how to ski
or even how to fly high after eating a bag of french fries
and to traverse the seven seas will be such a tease
sampling all the world cheeses which include all the varieties of brie.
Go to India to sample curry flavoured with ghee
and will agree that it's the best that you have tasted from a market vendee.

So come and visit Clive who's joined the Borg Hive
who jive whenever they give each other the high five
or even travel in the Sinclair C5
which is very hard to drive but it makes them feel alive
and it helps them survive the M5 as they take a nose dive
listening to music from their cd drive which they find allusive.

So come a learn to be cool even when you're at night school
eating a bowlful of organically gruel talking to your friend Raul
who's starting to crawl with the ghoul trying to find the cotton spool
to measure it with a slide rule to use when making a kitchen stool
or examine a cabinet covered in boule with the best joinery tool
which you got from Monsieur Bellefeuille when visiting Pontypool.

Some come and join in the coolest rap
with Chief Inspector Jap who's wearing a cloth clap
and is quite a honest chap who likes to clap
whenever he meets up with Hercules Poirot who plays
snap with Captain Hastings and Miss Lemon when there's a cold snap
wearing a warm wrap as they play on a London map.

We all hate to be late for the Village fete
especially with our mates who come with freshly caught skate
who all have got a very funny gait whenever they have an empty plate
and try to keep on the straight and narrow when they visit Harrow
with their prize winning marrow and their gardening advice from a sparrow.
Who's always straight as arrow and who's path in life is straight and narrow.

Some come and party with Marty who's trying to be smarty
and feels very arty when feeling hale and hearty
when drinking a class of capri and wailing like a banshee
and giving everyone the third degree about climbing up a gum tree
whenever there is afternoon tea by the Creetown river called the Cree
in the garden marquee with the Laird and the Marquis.