h2g2 The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy: Earth Edition

He thought reality
Might have changed to the good in its facticity
But no - reality's still in the Bad Corner
Just waiting for the Bell and the Hammer
So it can once again slam you back into your Bad Luck life.

I recently made the mistake of joining in a MB discussion on the subject of assisted suicide. Now I have this infernal jingle jangling in my head. This is an attempt at exorcism.

It's easy to say, when you're not at Death's door,
That, cometh the day when your health gets too poor,
You don't want to stay here or live anymore,
But when that day dawns you may not feel so sure.

The subject is bleak and the poetry bad
Memories speak of a time all too sad
Olden and golden are travelling to shame
Running from life and forgetting their name
Forgetting their loved ones and suffering such pain
No way to end it all going insane
The mad are so sad and their poetry's bad
So remain with the sane and cheer up my old lad.

'The mad are so sad and their poetry's bad.....'


Dew thay mean us?

Some words of joy from a dying old boy
It's so good to live and I do love it here
Don't take me abroad, you wicked old fraud
Let me die here: I have no fear
I have no religion to scare me to death
The fear of your God will not cut off my breath
My COPD that I got from my job
Will finally finish this wheezy old slob
My crazy mind will get weaker with time
You will guess this has happenned when I fail to rhyme
I'm not always loved but you know'll that I'm here
I say what I like, only praise do I fear
I love pretty girls but this does me no good
Consolation I find by enjoying my food
It's fun to be old, even more fun to die

But to bump yourself off! I would only ask WHY!

There is a pup who loves to sup,
out of a giant goblet sized cup.
Works as a sales rep and is a fan of Johnny Depp,
keeps in step and is always full of pep.
Always has a brush-up and starts to jump,
when having to cook steak rump.

A large Americano please
A full game of Mechano please
A Tenor and Soprano please

This Banana's very small
Hardly very big at all
Keep the change; that will be all.

Painfully clueless, that's me.
Cannot handle reality.
It will not conform
To what *should* be the norm.
I'd change it, but there'd be a fee.

Quite right, Paul, quite right, quite right,

There'd be forms in triplicate or worse;

``````````````you'd be at it day and night

And the forms would be far too real, at least for me (curse).




[If we were younger we could just run away]

Jabs

While younger people rant and rave at me
I cannot find the time to shave, you see
I do not keep up standards, I'm too wierd
Like a zealot; don't shave off my beard
What is more, my form's no longer sculptural
And Christians fear that I've gone multicultural
I do assure them, I am just the same
I am quite safe, indeed, I am quite tame
I let them lead me gently to the sink
Take me to water, hoping I will drink.

I can stop football kicking,
and ice cream licking,
and computer mouse clicking,
as I search online information about cabinet making.

I can't get these moths off my head,
when talking on the phone to my friend 25 year old Ted,
who wants to go out and play on his sled,
but wants me to make him sandwiches made with multi-seeded bread.

Now I can't stop winking whenever I'm thinking,
about ways of stopping my clothes from shrinking,
especially at night when the stars are twinkling,
after I had a bought of much drinking.

I have feel like I have been here before,
when I was holidaying by the sea shore,
in the afternoon after four,
listening to the waves of the sea roar.

I don't know what I'm going to about it,
will I have to dig a big pit?
digging up a lot of earth and grit,
never quitting and only stopping for a strawberry ice cream split.

The people I love are all are living in an alcove,
with the doves all covered in hollyhocks, sweet peas and foxgloves,
reading tales of yore as their thoughts are set off things above,
as they wander around the garden grove as they listen to the horses
hooves.

Oh, oh, oh, as I knead the bread dough with Joe,
and the help of the crow who's glows when the wind blows,
after drinking lots of gin made from sloes,
but prefers to drink red wine made in Bordeaux.

Younger people are a strange breed.
I no longer underestand their creed.
Still, the world's future depends on them.
The rising seas they might not stem.

It's hard for them to find employment,
Let alone some pure enjoyment.
I wish them all nothing but good,
But all I can do is knock wood.

Paul, I'd like to agree, son,
But here's the reason:
Capatilism needs a sink of unemploment
So the bosses can say "look at them: "unemployment
Brings starvation and boredom, not enjoyment so work for your meagre living.

(Unless your name is Cameron D. of course).

Father/motherhoodhood for them and their army of carers and charladies
Means " chars and lackeys melt away when newspapers want to make sentimental shots of babies."

Capitalism, of course.

Pensioners of The World unite
Wave the flag and join the fight
They were the ones who taught us all we know
Go teachers go....Go teachers GO!

Jabs, my friend, that's not how the world should be.
Without the kindness of strangers the world would be a jungle.
Capitalism needs to be balanced by a sense of community.
This world is precious, too precious to bungle.

I am a person not a number.
I am an individual not a statistic.
And will not slumber,
until I find a job whilst trying to keep optimistic.
Doing this long downturn,
and hoping for an economic upturn.

Shout not for no one listens
The shine of sterling in tills do glisten
Hands on head, a glance down troubled road
Money men fed on life,their bellies grow
A gambling ticket is held like a worn bus pass
There is no relief only tomorrow alas

Friends, bends
Your life’s in a lens
Type, write
You’re Email not right
Love, dove
Bad dreams unable to shove
Park, ride
Washed back on unbending tide
Make tea
Not likely life too good you see

You need to suck a sticky toffee
Sit calmly with your morning coffee
You need to learn to love yourself
Nurturing your mental health
You need to walk on sunny days
Happiness will mend your ways
Loneliness is happinesses thief
Preventing you from shedding grief
Seek another lonely saddened soul
Don't take just give and live the whole
This brief live is all you have you know
It's up to you to live it....off you go!