h2g2 The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy: Earth Edition

i see many patients
coming with their grief
some having many issues
with skin, hair and teeth

i am not a dentist
but a simple kind hearted soul
don't come with multiple issues
one is enough to fill my 10 minute hole

they bring their problems to me
hoping that i may cure
but their problems are their problems
after 10mins thats for sure

doctors are not magicians
I don't have a magic wand or stick
we work long hours for little pay really
so don't come to us if you are not that sick!

I see many patients
Coming in with grief simulated and real
Asking 'surely you must feel as I feel?'
But, pretence being the name of the game,
I don't.

I see many patients
Struggling with a melodramatic grief
Of which George Robey would have been proud.
Oh, for the chance to say 'it's his money you're after'
For so many hand-wringing years it, being true, would raise the rafters -
But I don't.
For I need their money too.


After so very long I'm so sick of seeing patients
Who, after so very long, simulate so much that they blur into the same
Stereotypical Memory. I must be getting old.
Perhaps I'll see them one day with my trousers rolled?
No, for I must Carry On pretending
Until I'm at my final Ending -
Credits please.

My upstair's neighbour thinks she's Lady GaGa,
and say's it's so funny about the cross dressing bunny,
along with the budgerigar who has their own hangar,
and even has their own toupee and is an expert in ballet.

My upstair's neighbour keeps on shouting par-dan,
and tell her friends that they must be joking,
when talking about their latest fake tan,
and that they have mastered the art of pipe weed smoking.

Green lollipops. Orange snow.
These are the things that make the world go.
Sausages simmered in peppers and onion rings
Make the fat lady happy. That's why she sings.

Hot, hot, hot,
A chilly Easter it is not.
A bus is well within the reach,
Of pretty girls upon the beach.
Lollypops and fish'n'chips to hand,
Tasting all the better for the sand.
I thought I ought to mention her,
With her bus pass; that old pensioner.

Pretty Polly, as a child
Would often drive her mother wild
Polly wouldn't go to bed
Until a film was in her head.

On a couch, in Hollywood
An old man asked if Polly would him bed
But Polly, (who was very good
At getting on in Hollywood)

Polly was quite warm of heart
But sought to play the leading part
"I wan't to be a Star!", she said,
"After that we'll go to bed"

They think I'm odd. Perhaps they're right.
I need a bed of peppers to sleep at night.
No peppers? My angst I can surely quell.
Leeks and mushrooms will do just as well.

Here's to the girls who broke our hearts,
And to those who felt our private parts;
Respectable girls who baked us tarts,
That were mostly good, but bad in parts;
With their love; which came in fits and starts,
For the man they chose who snorts and farts,
Who was better at football, and no good at arts,
Who drove a flash car; but loved horses and carts.

Oh please forgive me for being so late and arriving after eight,
but I was looking over some real estate with my best mate,
where we heard about a garden fete near by the woodland's gate,
to watch folk dancers march in their unusual sedate gait,
as they carry a plate of freshly caught skate on ornate plates.

Welcome back, dear friend.
We've missed you. Looking cuter!
I bet that it annoys you no end
Having to post here on a library computer.

Thank you Paul for your very kind compliments,
and for your touching sentiments,
and now I have a working pc,
which I work on as I sip a cup of tea,
and glad to be back, my dearest friend,
who's poetry and stories I would greatly recommend.

Your enthusiasm is inspiring,
Your fount of ideas never tiring.

Thanks Paul

Bam, bam, bam, bam, bam,
there goes Sam with his cam,
not caring a dam about missing the tram,
on the way to the river Cam,
to meet up with his friend Tam,
to see his prize winning ram,
who's partial to eating yams,
and sandwiches filled with jam.

I thought that girls were heaven sent
On them all my cash I spent
Let them stay, and pay no rent
They smiled and said,"You're a kindly gent".

Then they accused me of ill intent
That is why I've given them up for Lent.

"I've come to get my soul back."
Too late! It's mine forever now, Jack!"

There's a hole in my shoe,
caused by playing the kazoo.
And it's letting in water,
more than it ought to.

So I looked in the sky,
and asked where's my apple pie,
would it come, if I learned how to fly,
or wear a clown's joke bow tie?

I walked into a riverside field,
where I saw a crowd of people being healed,
and presented with enchanted shields,
and lessons on how to keep their eyes peeled.

We are all in the race; well, you know what I mean.
The last man standing gets a letter from the Queen.

Watching you friends dying one by one
Is rather bad form; but it's jolly good fun.

You're kidding that you've gone off chocolate pudding!
You're kidding that you've got clothes all covered in brass studding!
You're kidding that you've spent hours document shredding!
You're kidding that you go skidding when you go sledding!

You're joking that you've never been to Stoking!
You're joking that you've done superpet poking!
You're joking that you've never given you're feet a good soaking!
You're joking that you've that you are interested in stockbroking!