h2g2 The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy: Earth Edition

Out in the meadow,
Hidden behind a rock,
I left my life's savings,
Rolled up in a sock.

Can you spare some cash friend,
Can you spare a buck?
I need a helping hand friend,
I'm a long way down on luck.

I cannot help you now friend,
My wealth is all tied up;
In the corner of my handkerchief,
And I can't untie the knot.

I wanna hold em' like they do in Texas Plays,
immersed in the sunshine rays,
learning all the gambling ways,
and playing them during one of the moon phases.

Fold em' let em' hit me raise it baby stay with me,
and we'll be free to bellow like a banshee,
teach others to play for a might fat fee,
but special offers for those who make a heartfelt plea.

Intuition play the cards with Spades to start,
they come in wheelbarrow cart,
and a box of darts which I bought from the wholesale Mart,
with advice on how to play by best friend Bart.

Here comes Gambit who's a big hit,
although he has mutant powers,
and no-one really knows his real name,
but he's great at playing the game.

They call him Remy Le Beau,
and his cards always glow,
whenever he's putting on a show,
as they increase every four hours.

I play with the best players,
some can teleport themselves away,
and others are known as vampire slayers,
and some are psychic and members of the fey.

Poker face, poker face, they keep their emotions hidden,
not knowing what their next move will be,
when playing in the many gambling dens,
hustling their way through many wins.

In the North people go forth,
whenever they read poetry by Wordsworth.
But in the South, they become down in the mouth,
if they are unable to have a drink of vermouth.

A few sun-filled, rain-dappled moments
Between infinity and death,
The briefest of instants
For our so-called lives.

The delicate pink of a Winter sunset
Goes unnoticed as you struggle
To earn a threadbare living
Or quiet a family member's angst.

Then the children leave.
The job falls by the wayside.
You don't feel so well as before,
And have little energy.

Your rocking chair is on the porch.
You sit in the sun and wonder
What you were supposed to get from this life.
Time is running out

And you still don't know.....

What is the point of all this
Living, once the fairy tales are grown.
Can it only be the struggle,
Red in tooth and mortgage?
And the mating dances to unknown songs?
If there is no point then it is pointless,
What a blessing that would be.
Released from failure, free from rules,
Except the ones you choose.

do the two of youse
got the guru blues?

despair is in the air

Kissed by Spring, then abandoned,
I watch sad-eyed as snowflakes
Lazily spiral downward,
Landing softly on my porch and yard.

They are gentle beings,
Meaning no harm,
But their recent ancestors
Weighed down my roof

So that my cupboards wouldn't open.
You can't go back to your aeries,
Innocent snowy drifters,
But I pray for an imminent melting.

hands paulh my flame thrower
which i also use in place of a leaf blower
in the fall
which then brings all
the neighborhood fire engines

Doug gave everyone a bear hug,
whenever he saw a ladybird bug,
especially if he saw it on his living room rug,
when drinking beer out of a jug.

I went on holiday to Peru,
where I got covered in tattoos,
and bought a special herbal shampoo,
which was coloured cobalt blue,
and gave me a strange feeling of de ja vu,
for all things cordon bleau,
and a longing to make Irish stew,
and to make a lot of hullabaloo,
with my passable pas de deux.

We're having jam and "Jerusalem"
At the Women's Institute tonight,
Then home canning lessons from Em.
'Twill be a lovely sight.

I read that as "Then home caning lessons from Em" and thought, "My they have certainly moved with the times."

Welcome to my course in canning, ladies.
My advice may seem uncanny at first,
But four months hence, when it's hot as Hades,
My canned water will help slake your thirst.

oh my
i sigh
why oh why
am i so dry?

Ned goes to bed in his garden shed,
where he read about Ted and his giant bedspread,
whilst eating a sandwich made with wholemeal bread,
and looking out of the window at the thoroughbred.

I trudged through the gorse
On a little plaid horse
That was loaned by a Norse.

There was a hobbit called Bilbo,
who drank red wine bordeaux,
from a middle earth chateau,
on the wide open plateaus.

If you hate me after what I say,
about what I've got to say about Ray,
and the way he prays for it to rain,
and that he will always be on life's gravy train.

Can't put it off any longer,
even though the smell of stilton cheese is getting stronger,
as well all start to dance the conga,
to get away from all the gossipmongers.

I just gotta tell you anyway,
that there's going to be a buffet at the holiday chalet,
where everyone will be presented with bouquets,
and a race to catch the flying toupee.

Bye bye baby goodbye,
don't make sigh when you give me a slice of apple pie,
Bye bye baby don't make me cry,
when I am wearing my multi-coloured neck tie.

Your the one I'd want to marry,
and go and live out on the prairie,
where there are fairies,
who drink lots of glasses of sherry.

I'd marry you now if I were free,
and every day we'll have afternoon tea,
by the sea, where we'll be dressed as canaries,
whenever we visit the dairy as we try not to be too scary.

I could love you but why begin it,
if we could live like hobbits,
wearing wollen mits,
when we mine for gold in deep pits.

Guess I will never know you better,
by only writing to you every day by letter,
by telling you that I'm going to be a go-getter,
who wears 80's designer woolen sweaters.

Wish I knew you before I became a famous singer,
and a high-flying city slicker,
who's got ambitions to becoming a vicar.
and I've got a springer.

Gee how good you would be for me,
as it would pay for all my yearly subscription fees,
of all the Sci-fi and fantasy fan clubs,
and my internet wireless hub.