Martin Someone: Wrecked Saint

Martin's career has been followed with much interest- and not a little dismay- ever since his expulsion from the famous New Britain Artistic Outreach programme in 1994 under infamous circumstances. He had been acclaimed as the most promising young poet of his generation, and the sizable grant check was practically in his hands, when it was revealed that his "thrusting, giddily-disorientating" verses were actually culled from half-remembered Neil Diamond lyrics. Shame followed, then retribution, then shame once more. However, Martin then redeemed himself by producing two volumes of (original) poetry which proved very popular with people who like that kind of thing. "Hygiene Sonnets" was acclaimed as "ee cummings with a Spell-Checker"(Pentametre Monthly) and his second, "The Garden Of Anxiety" won the Cecil Day-Lewis award for Most Outstanding Use Of Redundent Imagery.

Since then, Martin has gone on to dabble in so many eclectic literary fields that one former teacher was forced to admit: "the predictions I gave for Martin's future no-hoper prospects have proved to be almost totally inaccurate. Frankly, if he hasn't commited suicide by the age of thirty I shall look a proper fool."

Martin's next release, "The Prententious French Phrase-Book", was a modest venture, but it lead to an interest in deeper academic pursuits and his next three books. They covered such topics as Advanced Mathematics ("Theory Of Disassociative Numerical Logic: Can It Help You Win It Big In Vegas?"); Philosophy ("Beyond Nihilism: Four New Stages Of Meaninglessness Explored And Explained"); and Semantics ("Real Men Don't Split Infinitives"). These volumes blazed new trails in their respective fields, and Martin spent the next two years as a popular after dinner speaker. In the first volume of his autobiography, "I Forgot To Exist", Martin explained his enjoyment of this activity: "Very little in this life is as satisfying as a great dinner, fine wine and then the powerful feeling of standing in front of a paying audience and captivating it with my own words. And on those occasions when I remember to wipe my chin and untuck my napkin from my belt first, this sensation is doubled in pleasure." This vocation even lead to a little-known anthology "Collected Expenses".

Next came the widely-discussed paper he submitted to the respected medical journal PROD, written in collaberation with Dr. Harvis Rapplemouth (the man who discovered Cerebral Dismorphia in footballers). The piece was a moving study of postman Bartle Crombe, believed to be the first ever case of Retroactive Infertility, a heart-breaking condition which meant that he could never have parents.

Lately, Martin's life has been taken up with the writing, publication, and outraged aftermath of his controversial first novel: "Crotchless Vicars". Though it lead to a nationwide outcry, and a particularly vicious smear campaign by the Daily Mail, Martin is philosohical about the whole issue: "I didn't write this novel to shock, I wrote it to chase the dogmatic world from the monastic skirts under which it has been hiding for years. Besides, how many people can say that they've been tarred and feathered by the Legion Of Decency?"

* * *

Martin is currently working on his second volume of autobiography, "The Day It Rained Prozac".

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