Journal Entries
London (genuine piano mix).
Posted Aug 21, 2006
I've just got back from a weekend in London, part general lonesome indulgence and part Lifeitself meetup. It... well, it really WAS. We had a lovely time. I had a lovely time, at least. I'll write about the Sunday first. I'm prone to using superlatives, but only because I really believe them- it turns out members of LifeItself are the most fabulous humans you could hope to find.
Currently, I'm 38 hours awake and counting. I've been experiencing the delightfully innovative effects of sleep deprivation all day, and I'm quite enjoying it. Wild mood swings have made me both completely in love with the whole world, grinning and bouncing on my heels, and also fairly paranoid. So of course, I fear that maybe I was at times a bit TOO Emma, and now everyone hates me. The main thing is that it isn't possible for me to go out somewhere and not dance. I just can't, I just can't, I just can't control my feet, etc. So in my head it's "Oh, Christ on a bike. Why is that BLOODY embarrassing woman dancing? Please, let me sidle..."
Anyway, we drank like terribly middle-class tramps in the park, M&S catered, in arty deckchairs (I was sitting on Michael Nyman. Chris was Quentin Blake. Adam on some horrible, horrible John Lennon thing, and Adrian... I can't remember. Not the Chinese pastoral, though). Then Trash Palace, and then the terribly sad departure of Adrian. Mr Wu's or something for Chinese, in keeping with the theme of the day, and gut-rot wine, plus the revelatory correct handling of chopsticks. After that, some dancing (mostly just me) in... I don't know where. It being a Sunday night, that was curtailed all too soon. I think some pimp avoidage possibly followed. Then we lost another as Chris went to ground. It took longer than the most powerful human minds can possibly imagine for the night bus to get to Adam's house, where we stayed up all night in his kitchen, drinking neat spirits and dancing to Kylie. As Scissor Sisters sang up the sun, we sat in the garden with cups of tea, and lo! He proclaimed that it was Good. And so, to Camden Market. At the time ordained in ancient prophecy, two increasingly fatigued figures pooled their dimming resources to find Victoria coach station, which turned out to be quite difficult, actually. Upon returning to Cardiff I went, perhaps unwisely, not home but straight to my soon-come house and had some more to drink, but only while prone. It threatened to turn into a full-blown party, so I had to leave. And here I am, at last. More please!
Now I should probably go to sleep, though I have the next two days off and would be interested to see what happens when you don't sleep for three days or more. Well, maybe another time. Excuse all this, if rambling and dull. Adam has a beautiful nose, by the way.
Discuss this Journal entry [2]
Latest reply: Aug 21, 2006
birthday boy
Posted Aug 12, 2006
Well, one hour and... 53 minutes ago as of now, it stopped being Stephen's 38th birthday. But when it was, what did I do? I worked, flirted with Gordon, cried very slightly, then went out dancing. It was just as well. Dancing with Si, and lots of other work people, and Lee, who I'm trying to hint my availability at. Well, he's shy. But OTHER people got the hint, so I'm sure he must have. He did ask me if I was single, and kiss my hand. Both good signs, but whatever. I can't be bothered to do all the chasing. I did have a really good night, though. We went to an 80s club (so some of the music was shizzle) before our usual haunt (gay club). I saw someone I used to work with, who I adore, and she invited me to her wedding party. And just general dancing and being fabulous. I know I have friends, I'm well liked. I also know I have to leave this completely-single life. I do have to move in with Cat, for financial reasons. Part of me wants not to though. She's so silly, having left, with nothing else to go to. And also not. Oh, the people, the amazing people, are the only reason I'm still in my job.
Sorry for my drunkenness.
Discuss this Journal entry [1]
Latest reply: Aug 12, 2006
I want a lover
Posted Aug 3, 2006
(Yes, that is a PSB song title!)
Oh, I've been gloomy all week. Last Friday I had a legendary night out. Hawaiioke, all dressed up and joyfully drunken. I sang Like A Virgin, danced madly, and a man I've fancied for a while flirted with me.
I've not done anything about that this week for a few reasons. Firstly I have always felt shy around him, and the fact I fancy him means I can't believe he would really fancy me, despite his being all touchy feely that night (he WAS drunk after all), and I'm all confused about my libido.
I fancy so many men that- does my admiration of him even have any significance or value? I don't know any more. Sure, he's good looking (to me) and I've always found him intriguing, but maybe now I'm just desperate for whatever comes along.
My libido is so much higher now than it's been for so many of those relationship years, and I can barely handle the tension that has been building for the last few months. Sex with someone ELSE, that's the key. But then- I've had several offers. Is it the very fact they're offering that puts me off? Who knows, but certainly I haven't been tempted at all. Excepting one man, good looking and according to reports good in bed. I sometimes think "hmm...", yet somehow I don't ever give in.
The next gripe is work-related. Not only do the people at the top squeeze harder and harder, I'm completely unhappy on my team, have the worst team leader I've ever had, and the cool people are dropping like flies. I have to find another job. I have to. But I don't want something where I'm being constantly monitored, where not a single second is my own. Surely there are jobs without that? Of course there are. Even at Conduit there are- trainer, team leader, manager. None of those will ever be me. I try, I honestly do. I'm knowledgeable, friendly, I don't skive an inordinate amount. But I can't achieve what's being asked of me. Yet my heart will break to leave. I'll miss some people so much.
I love this flat, but I can't afford to live here. I spend more than I earn, or only just the right amount. Either way, I'm overdrawn every month. I am going to have to move in with my friend Cat, but currently I'm pissed off with her too. She's left work in a stupid way- just stopped coming in. Now she doesn't even know what day it is, and hasn't come round to see me when she says she will, things like that. It's extremely upsetting. I do feel very all alone this week.
Discuss this Journal entry [2]
Latest reply: Aug 3, 2006
home and dry
Posted Jun 23, 2006
I bought a packet of Lurpak the other day and won £300 worth of Alessi breakfast equipment- mugs, cafetiere, egg cups, toast rack, bread basket and etc and etc. To celebrate I'm baking soda bread to spread the Lurpak on and to take round to my lovely friend The Si who needs a bit of pampering as he has a hangover. And I got news of a payrise yesterday! Gifts, lots of gifts from the universe. I'm on an upwards curve.
Discuss this Journal entry [1]
Latest reply: Jun 23, 2006
happiness is an option
Posted Jun 17, 2006
Such is my state of mind at the moment that a trip to Tesco becomes a blissful experience. It's a couple of miles out of town, on a greenfield site. I walked there. A beautiful afternoon, the sun glowing on my skin, the waft of jasmine and greenness. On my way back I stood on a hill and looked for ages across the open space, watching the way the wind blew the long grass so it looked- and sounded- like waves running across the ocean.
I sound like a hippy, I know, but I want to capture this. I am fundamentally a happy person, it turns out. That's surely the best gift or skill a person can have. I've been so buffeted from side to side by the neuroses of other people. Now for the first time I'm on my own and I find out who I really am.
I balance myself. I feel calm and blissed out. I'm more socially confident. At work I'm more in control and assertive with the customers, so the job goes better. My weekends are filled with discoveries- I follow paths on the internet, or out there in the real world, and simply see where they lead me. There isn't even enough time to explore all the lovely things I'm being given.
For the first time in my life I've started to have religious thoughts of a kind. I'm thankful to be alive. More than that- I'm thankful to be in THIS skin, in THIS life. I don't know who I'm thankful to, but it's enough for me. Just this thankfulness is the most I've ever thought about "it".
There are problems- I don't have enough money, I'm not using my brain the way I should at work, I'm not getting any sex (not with other participants anyway), I still miss Stephen terribly every day. But it's all okay. This is who I really am- I survive. More than that. All the bad things pass, and they will always pass. Stephen helped shaped the person I am now, so in a way he's always with me. When I listen to Philip Glass, watch arty films at Chapter, think about politics or architecture or Frank Sidebottom, I might not be doing those things or thinking in those ways if it weren't for him. I'm working towards forgiving myself, maybe one day I'll even love someone else in the same way.
I'm trying to title my journal entries with Pet Shop Boys songs where I can.
Discuss this Journal entry [1]
Latest reply: Jun 17, 2006
elmsyrup
Researcher U210511
Write an Entry
"The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy is a wholly remarkable book. It has been compiled and recompiled many times and under many different editorships. It contains contributions from countless numbers of travellers and researchers."