Journal Entries
Story imminent.....
Posted Mar 24, 2006
Guess who's off to hospital?
Just in from the 
after having the most awful stomach cramps over the last 3 days. He reckons i've got appendicitus (probably turn out to be wind knowing my past performance)
If there's not an amusing story to come out of all this i'll eat my hat.(Perhaps that's what caused it in the first place, that flying helmet and goggles was a bit chewy i thought)
More news later.....
Discuss this Journal entry [64]
Latest reply: Mar 24, 2006
Oh dear, what can the matter be.......
Posted Mar 18, 2006
Well, it's happened again, i've managed to embarrass myself in the extreme. I've got this horrible feeling that, as i get older, my life is getting to be like a poorly written episode of that awful 70's sitcom 'Terry and June', with me as the idiotic Terry Scott.
To set the scene;As i've mentioned for the last few weeks, i've just invested in a new bathroom, which looks very smart. In order to make it even smarter, i painted the door last weekend. Proper professional job too, even took the door handles off to paint it.
When the inside had dried i replaced the handle, but left the outside off as it was the last bit painted. Mrs. A kept banging on about putting it back, but hey, it could wait.
On Wednesday this week i was due to start work at 11AM, and had the house all to myself in the morning. (Kids at school, Mrs. A at work) A long lingering shower before work seemed just the ticket, so off i went.
The trouble started when i tried to get out of the bathroom, the handle turned, but the door wouldn't open.
OH NO, i've shut the door, and there's no handle on the other side, so it won't work 
I'm now stuck in there, wet (Towel hanging on banister outside bathroom) and dripping, with no-one in the house to get me out.
After some frantic tugging at the door (It opens inwards, so a shoulder charge was out of the question), i realised this wasn't going to work. As a keen viewer of the Ray Mears survival programmes, i decided to use some of his advice. He always says not to panic (Managed that) then build a shelter, and gather nuts. So that was no use then.
Perhaps my years as a 'Blue Peter viewer would help. What would daredevil John Noakes have done in this position? After surveying the tools i had to hand to aid my escape (4 electric toothbrushes, some Peach and Seaweed shower gel, and the bloody door handle that was supposed to be on the other side of the door) i concluded that , given some sticky back plastic, i could probably make a passable advent crown, but nothing to get me out.
I peered out of the bathroom window, and didn't fancy the 15 foot drop onto a concrete patio, in the nude, and besides, our garden has no way round the front, and i've no way of getting in downstairs. The alternative of climbing a 6 foot panel fence then standing on my neighbours patio and asking to be let in, didn't appeal greatly either.
At this point i spotted one of our neighbours, Doris (name changed to protect the innocent) hanging out her washing. I shouted her. After a few seconds looking round to see where the voice is coming from, she spies me, all pink and wrinkly, hanging out of my bathroom window.
I shouted "Can you phone Mrs. A for me Doris......there's ,erm, something wrong with the door, and i'm stuck"
Her jaw dropped, and off she went. (I have a suspicion she's never believed i play with a full deck at the best of times)
30 minutes later.
I hear the front door open and Mrs. A is muttering away about how useless i am, as she plods upstairs. Shouting through the door i tell her get a screwdriver, take the handle off the bedroom door, put it on the bathroom door and let me out.(remember i've got the handle in there with me) She's still muttering away to herself, and it's getting to me now. After all, it wasn't my fault, was it?
I thought; When she opens the door, i will be stood there nonchalontly, as if this were the most natural thing in the world, so i struck a pose. Arms folded across chest, and leaning manfully against the sink. If this pose were ever to be painted however, it would probably be named " NUDE:With two walnuts and a wichity grub" (I was VERY cold by this time)
The door opens.
And there is Mrs. A..........with Doris the neighbour, who she's brought along in case i'd collapsed Doris now has confirmation of her suspicion that i was mentally not equipped to sire my two children, but seemingly physically too.
Gathering together my last vestiges of pride i strode past the pair of them, thanked them for their help, and said i was going to get dressed now and go to work.
Their sniggering as i closed the bedroom door will stay with me for a long time.
As Terry Scott might have said.........PWOAAAARR.
Discuss this Journal entry [154]
Latest reply: Mar 18, 2006
Pete's alibi.
Posted Feb 8, 2006
Last weekend Pete (my friend for many years)and i went out for a night on the town, comedy club, few beers......muchos enjoyable.
Pete's wife who is a 
first class, with a degree in cold hard stares, doesn't like me very much as she thinks i'm a bad influence on him. I know what you're thinking, 'not Airscotia, he's an 
' but she doesn't know me as well as you.
Because of this i try not annoy her.
During the evening i happened to spot a business card from a young lady (new to the area apparently) in a phone box. On the card she assured that her services were 'Thorough and Discreet' (qualities so lacking these days don't you find?) I was very impressed by this card, although i didn't really know what she was selling. I thought that if i took this card and dropped it into Pete's jacket pocket later in the evening (after writing his home phone number on it), it might come in usefull to him at some point.
Pete phoned my a few days later to say that while searching his jacket prior to cleaning, the had found the business card and demanded an explanation from him . He said to her 'Airscotia' will have done that while we were out, and she BELIEVED him.
Now the point is; does this mean that Pete has a free pass to do what he likes, always knowing that he can blame anything on me? It's pure genius isn't it?
The has threatened to lump me one next time she see's me apparently.
Discuss this Journal entry [55]
Latest reply: Feb 8, 2006
What do you call a man with a trowel on his head?
Posted Jul 18, 2004
Firstly i'd like to apologise to all those persons who find this popping up on their pages, it's just another tale of bad luck and woe i'm afraid.
I'll start with the good news. My Archaeological field trip/dig went amazingly well, not only was i not the oldest person there(by a big margin
), but my knowledge of ancient drinking games made me something of a celebrity
.I learnt my first law of Archaeology..............he who knows least moves most dirt, but apart from a few aching muscles, no complaintsUnfortunately the oldest thing i found was a pair of underpants i'd packed in my suitcase dating back to 1984 
On my return Mrs.Airscotia (The wife from Fife) suggested that as i'd been away on a jolly for the week, and had another lined up in the Orkneys in September, it was only fair if we went away somewhere as a family for a non-Archaeological holiday."Somewhere hot, without anything Archaeological" was her brief. After much discussion we decided on Malta, a place we last visited 7 years ago.I'm now desperately trying to think of plausable excuses for when she finds out that Malta is THE most important place on earth for Archaeolgy, as the temples(which i've pre-booked to visit) are the earliest known to man . Honestly, any help will be gratefully recieved.
I know what you're all thinking, where is all the woe we were all promised in the intro............i'm coming to that.
Now as a lorry driver my right arm has a tan that most people would die for, not just brown, but bronzed and weatherbeaten in a most impressive way.Admittedly, the left arm does look a little ill in comparison, but i try to get the right hand profile in photo's and the like . The big problem is my legs.............oh dear If you can imagine two bits of white cotton hanging out the legs of a pair of shorts, you've pretty much got it.
In a moment of inspired madness, and in preparation for a holiday where i'd have to wear shorts, i decided to get a fake tan. "Spray on evenly, rub in, and wash hands thouroughly afterwards" said the instructions.
Well, i sprayed one leg, just to get an idea of what it would look like. After 10 minutes it looked pretty good, and i decided to do the other leg. After dousing leg 2 with vast amounts of fake tan i was about to start rubbing in, as instructed, when number 1 son came blustering in telling of a cycle accident involving number 2 son and a privet hedge.
Out i dash, and rescued said offspring from a hedge that had aspirations to be a triffid, and was roundly hailed as a hero by all and sundry
Unfortunately i'm now the proud owner of one brown leg, one piebald leg, and a pair of hands that are brown on the palms, but white on the back ............2 weeks this stuff lasts.........
Discuss this Journal entry [14]
Latest reply: Jul 18, 2004
Up to date.
Posted Nov 23, 2003
It's been a while since my last diary entry, and as a bit has happened in the meantime, it's time for an update.
Firstly, and most importantly, i became an uncle for the second time two weeks ago .My sister had a little baby girl born 10 weeks premature,weighing just 2lb 13oz, who is now called Freya.I went up there last weekend and saw Freya in the intensive care unit, a tiny but perfectly formed little thing, surrounded by pipes and tubes and machines. The way that tiny little girl is struggling to cope in a world she's not ready for makes you marvel at the single minded determination of nature to survive, or makes you wonder if some higher being isn't helping after all.She's two weeks old today, and is doing just fine, but her first Christmas will be spent in hospital
.
About two years ago we had some people come into work to explain how you could donate to charity through your wages, and the tax advantages for the charities.I decided to join, and at random chose BLISS as my charity, which raises funds for baby life support equipment. Funny how life turns out isn't it?
My Archaeology course is still fascinating, and i'm spending a lot of my spare time either reading up on the subject, or trawling through museums.This week i went to a lecture on geophysics,and despite the science being beyond me, was amazed at the results and methods used.Did you know that there are bacteria in the soil that convert parts of it into magnetic material?
We spent half term week in South West Wales in a farm cottage, open log fire,oak beams..........and rain. To be fair it only rained for 3 days, and the walking(and Archaeology) was fantastic.Because it was out of season we had beaches and attractions to ourselves,and it's a beautiful part of the world.
Just to end on a miserable note, i've also just got the first 3 points on my driving licence in 21 years of driving 
. The speed limit for the road was 50mph, and i was caught on camera and prosecuted at 50mph...........lets see if you can work out why.
Discuss this Journal entry [68]
Latest reply: Nov 23, 2003
Back to airscotia-back by popular demand's Personal Space Home
airscotia-back by popular demand
Researcher U208927
Write an Entry
"The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy is a wholly remarkable book. It has been compiled and recompiled many times and under many different editorships. It contains contributions from countless numbers of travellers and researchers."