WHAM!!
Masuud O'Flarity. The name itself raises questions of race, gender, and diaper misuse. Who is this mystery man? Why is he here? Can he read my mind? Where did I put my special pen with the blue-gel ink that write oh-so pretty like? All of these questions can be answered by the one and only Masuud O'Flarity!Who the hell..?
Masuud O'Flarity is a well-respected master of the Voodoo Arts. Not only can he create stunning, and quite lovely, Voodoo Dolls, but he can also make them prance about while singing "It's Raining Men." However, that is not the true extent of his unfathomable powers.Masuud was born to a poor, unsespecting terko-gypsy prostitute named Jimaboo Llama. The Indian beauty took all sorts of protection when it came to her 'job' but her latest client, a wealthy Scottish businessman/drunken hippy by the name of Gradey O'Flarity, charmed her into unprotected intrusion with both money and the fact he had a truckload of wine and beer in his bathroom alone. Oblivious to the newly developed fetus in her loins, Jimaboo left her latest bedtime pal wasted and rich, and returned to her family of prostitutes. Business carried on as usual with no problems until it was discovered she was indeed pregnant with a child, and she returned to Mr. O'Flarity with the intent to marry so the child would receive proper care and cash flow. O'Flarity did as such, and the couple lived a happy 9 months together until the child was ready to pop out and see just what all the fuss was about. Upon birth, the young boy looked around at the doctors, up the nurses skirts, and at his smiling parents. Then, to his doctor's surprise (and his mother's odd delight) the boy reached back into his mother's body and procured what was later discovered to be a fez. He then proceeded to place said fez on his tiny head and utter the following phrase: "This is it? There better be popsicles." Everyone present was understandably shocked, except for the deaf grandfather who was debating whether or not to say he needed his diaper changed. Both parents decided Masuud was a proper name for unknown reasons and named the boy as such.
Masuud's parents took it as their mission to find out exactly what was wrong with their kid. I mean, it's not every day a baby is born with a fez and asks for popsicles. They took him to a local voodoo priest because he only charged 5 bucks an hour and he had a very attractive secretary. The voodoo master, Johnny Darkstone, told the parents of an ancient voodoo profecy that the baby born with a fez will become the greatest voodoo master ever to love popsicles. However, for the boy to recieve proper training, he would have to be isolated from his parents and live alone with Mr. Darkstone for 25 years. The parents were devistated, then realized the baby smelled like burnt olives mixed with snail-dung, and gave the baby up without a second thought. Some say the two lived a long and happy life together drunken and happy, but most say they got run over by mad cows as soon as they stepped out the door.
Masuud recieved training from Master Darkstone for the following 25 years, which basically involved a lot of sex and video games. Upon his 25th birthday, the boy was unleashed upon the world with the intent to use his powers to help the poor and get a lot of money from the rich. He did such with a passion for about 3 days, then decided to become a pirate voodoo priest and moved to a small island to set up shop. There he met a Captain Flapjack and did a lot of crap you can learn about at http://www.lardpirates.com
His trademark outfitting includes a white t-shirt and a huge fez containing a quite large eye-ball in the center. Some say the fez is the source of his powers, but those people are usually run over my emu. And not the cute ones; the ones with ugly faces and obese children. He employs the work of his pet monkey and lifetime heterosexual lifemate Spanks the Monkey. Spanks lacks both his hands, but somehow gets along beautifully without them.
Masuud is currently a crew-member of the fabtastical Lard Pirates, a band of plunder pals who sail the seven seas while getting laid and finding treasure in the process. To view their wacky adventures full of gold, sunken treasure, and lots and lots of wenches, head over to http://www.lardpirates.com
Your future told! Guaranteed true or you can spank my mother!
After consulting my powers, I have come to a conclusion about your future:You will die.
...well, it is true.
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Masuud O'Flarity
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