h2g2 The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy: Earth Edition

I turned left onto Mornington Cresent and found myself here. Would someone please direct me to the nearest tube station.

Mornington Cresent is there such a street in the smoke?

I thought this was a no smoking area.

Hey ur lost

You are just two hundred yards to the south of Mornington Crescent. You are facing west and there is a pub in front of you. Go in and have a drink.

I shall be in touch with further instructions

Thank you for your kind advice. I had been facing in the wrong direction. Unfortunately the pub was very crowded and by the time I had wormed my way to the bar they called 'time'. Still with the price of beer these days I've probably saved myself enough to afford a taxi home. Trouble is, its quite late and its raining so I'm unlikely to get one. I'll just hand around and await your instructions.

Thank you for your kind advice. I had been facing in the wrong direction. Unfortunately the pub was very crowded and by the time I had wormed my way to the bar they called 'time'. Still with the price of beer these days I've probably saved myself enough to afford a taxi home. Trouble is, its quite late and its raining so I'm unlikely to get one. I'll just hang around and await your instructions.

You need a number 42 bus.

Catch it by the tail - I mean, catch it by the corner and it will take you down towards Leicester Square. If you find you have a problem with the occasional inter-dimensional crashing, don't worry. The driver will probably be pretending to be an orc or a dwarf (the usual on London Transport)
If you do happen to find yourself stuck in the nineteenth century, ask the driver to stop off at 221B Baker Street. There's a man there who can help (he's one of ours).
Should the bus manage to stay on the correct route and time-line, get off in Leicester Square and go and see a good film. Then have a pizza and I'll catch you later with more instructions.

By the way, you do have your sword of stupidity and cloak of hilarity with you, don't you? They will be necessary later.

I must have been standing on the wrong side of the road. I'm now on the 24 but its heading in the opposite direction to Leicester Square. The driver has now told me that it is going non-stop to a place called Royston Vasey. I'm the only passenger on the bus, do you think I'm safe? Should I be worried? I hope we get there soon as my battery will need re-charging soon. I'm also feeling hungry. I was looking forward to the pizza but it wasn't to be.

By the way, I don't have a sword of stupidity. Do you think I can get one in Royston Vasey? A cloak of hilarity is standard issue on this bus, there seems to be more than enough of them in the overhead luggage shelf. So I'll take one with me when I eventually get off.

You're on the Royston Vasey bus???

Ah...this could be a problem. Unless...are you a local person? In which case you can go into the local shop for your Sword of Stupidity. If they don't have one, try for a Dagger of the Dumb or, as a last resort, a Sharp Pointy Thing of Slightly Silly Fighting (as used by Antonio Banderas in Zorro).

If you escape from Royston Vasey with your life, sanity and trousers, try to hitch a ride to the lovely Norfolk resort of Great Yarmouth. It isn't essential to your journey, but everytime I mention Great Yarmouth I get paid a great deal of dosh from the Norfolk Tourist Authority. It's not that I want to mention Great Yarmouth, it's just that Great Yarmouth keeps getting into the conversation and where would we be without Great Yarmouth on a Great Yarmouth-sort of day. Not in Great Yarmouth, that's where we'd be.

That should be enough mentions to retire on.

Go directly to Great Yarmouth and call me from there - I'll be in the South of France on my yacht.

Having a great time here in RV. I've got a temporary job in a local shop, taking stock of their nice things. Too busy to say anymore at the moment. I think they all go to church on Sunday so I'll have more time then.

Don't move! I'm sending a team of the best ex-SAS troops in to get you out right now!

Don't touch anything! Especially the little snow paperweights. Has the lady in charge of the shop kept all her clothes on so far? If so, you might be safe. Don't mention leaving, don't mention the outside world, don't mention their son... in fact, don't talk to them at all.

Stay still, stay calm...we'll be with you as soon as possible.

Heeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeelp

Did the SAS team turn up? We had radio communication with them up to the point where they asked for a lift to The Local Shop in a taxi parked by the station.

They said they thought there was something wrong with the taxi driver and then all went quiet.

Shall I send in another team.

Are you ok for now?

Where am I?

What day is it?

Where are my clothes?

I can hear someone laughing.

Please put the light on.

I want to use the toilet.

Don't panic, Hermes.

I've got some bad news for you. It's 23 January and you've been held prisoner in the cellar of the shop for over four months.

The crack, never-give-up SAS troop gave up and went home for Christmas and have now been reassigned to duties in the gulf.

I'm sending a troop of girl guides and a couple of parking attendants to look for you.

Be brave, mon brave!

23rd of January???

What year is it?

Has Ladysmith been relieved?

Ask her to hurry up, I'm dying to go.

Thanks for the offer of help. Do Girl Guides still accept a bob for a job? If so, I might not want to be rescued just yet. I'm not sure that I will need parking attendants. If all goes as well as I'm hoping then lift attendants would be preferable.

By the way, how many Girl Guides will you be sending?

Sorry to ask so many questions but I'm a bit confused at the moment.

No, the 25th

2003

Yes

No - 50p

6

Always pleased to help

Is that a pint of beer you've got in your hand?

If so, please get one for me.

Oh, I almost forgot, can you also send me a handful of 50p pieces?......please.

I'll pay you back one day for all your kindness, promise.

The pint of beer and handful of fifty pence pieces (still in my hand) are in the post. I only had two ten pence stamps to put on the parcel so it may take a while to get to you.

Also the blood from the severed hand and the spilled pint of beer seem to have seeped through the brown paper and blurred the address.

Don't be surprised if there is a delay....