Journal Entries
My Last Journal at My Old Place
Posted Aug 7, 2003
It has been a very emotional day.
In a reflex I turned the - for me - shocking news about my messy "Diary" into the immediate initiative to create a new one.
That kind of reflex appears to be my second nature.
I believed I hád to and now at the end of the day, I am tired, but still see the necessity of what I did, although it feels hard to leave this first Space and somehow I'm still afraid the BBC might refuse me to start all over.
It felt like writing and taping songs; just for my own pleasure and maybe for those who might pass by, realizing it might stay here at H2G2 for a long time.
And after all the work, someone tells me, that all the trials and recordings have been mixed and burned on CD.
Only good for histories sake, but no good for writing and sharing, as my aim is.
It had become this way unreadable and there is in such a situation not a way out at your own Space.
Here's what I wrote at the Feed Back Corner and what others (darlings!) had to say, although the smileys are not included.
Goodby and hope to meet you at the other space! Alfredo
FEEDBACK CORNER.
Posting 1 by me - Alfredo.
""At my personal entry, I received a posting from Titania that struck me right in my heart.
Here it is.
"Alfredo, Alfredo - stop!
Do you realize you've posted the one and the same journal on your user page no less than 4 times already?
Oh - looking at your conversations list, I realize that you've probably used this option:
'Click here to remove this Journal Entry from your Space'
Sorry to disappoint you, but all that does is actually unsubscribing yourself from those entries - they will still exist, and people might even reply to them - but you'll never know, since you've unsubscribed.
Both I and Ottox tried to get the wording changed, so that users would understand what was actually happening when you try to 'delete' a journal - and it was changed from 'delete' to 'remove' - but I still think it's inadequate - people won't realize that the journals will still be there...
I learnt this from Ottox (thanks Ottox! ) when I tried it myself - but he also gave me a nifty link where I can keep an eye on all my journals, unsubscribed or not - and here is a link to a list of your journals:
Titania"
My reaction;
"Well, this is very disappointing (and even embarrassing) for me !!
Because writing in my own Journal is one of the main reasons of joining the world of H2G2.
That means, I write with grate care and effort to keep it readable, because English isn't my native language and because I mainly want to conserve all kinds of autibiographic memories in this Journal.
It brings fresh air to my heart, it gives an extra dimension to those memories, because maybe,now they are also being read and shared. others.
That all feels very meaningfull to me.
Not because I'm such a great writer, but because it contains something from me, as a person who joins this world for at most just a 100 years.
So I reread them often after I have posted the new Journals and when I discovered poor grammar and expressions that don't match my intentions, I "deleted" the Journals and rewrote them.
Sometimes I even changed the course of some Journals, to make them more relevant.
In practice this meant I "deleted" some Journals many, mány times....
But in the H2G2 entries, áll Journals appear to remain, even if you have "deleted" them!!
The only thing that has changed after you used the "delete this Journal"- button, is that it isn't any longer visible for the "owner" of his/her personal space.
Just "no longer visible" for me, while others will see a warehouse of repeated Journals.
Nothing worse to see than that.
It makes one flee, far, fár away...............................
I would."
End of my reaction.
Titania and Ottox realized by their own the problem at H2G2 and tried to tackle it by changing the word "Delete" in "Remove". Well tried, but appearently the suggestion of "delete" remains.
As friendly Titania writes me today;
"Both I and Ottox tried to get the wording changed, so that users would understand what was actually happening when you try to 'delete' a journal - and it was changed from 'delete' to 'remove' - but I still think it's inadequate - people won't realize that the journals will still be there..."
End quote.
So I - Alfredo - decided to start all over again;
1. New registration
2. New personal space
3. All my written Journals copied in their historic order.
(and even nów one is double..)
4. And I'll try to repair the social damage as much as possible,
by rewriting the old personal space and direct visitors overthere
to this new personal Space.
And I hope I'll then be able to continue my rather quiet existence
in the friendly world of H2G2.
It will take some time to adjust to this whole new situation and I'l try to make a meaningful discussion at H2G2 about the "Remove your Journal" function.
My first idea is, to cancell the option, because áll it cán do in these circumstances, is making it unvisible for just óne person.
That really doesn't make that much sense to me, while the risk of confusion is big. Am I right?
So I propose to change the word "Remove this Journal" in "Unsubscribe this Journal".
That covers the reality.
Isn't that a good idea??
Maybe then, this "personal tragedy" can be fruitfull after all, and that's all that matters to me.
Greatings from Alfredo""
End of posting 1.
Posting 2 by OTTOX.
"Hej Alfredo.
Now that I saw my name mentioned several times, I'll have to say that I think the FAQ page (DontPanic-Journal#2) explains it quite well now. Not perfect, but certainly better than it was earlier:
"You can't edit Journal Entries, so think before you post! You can remove them from your Personal Space, though, by clicking the appropriately named 'Remove this Journal Entry from my Personal Space' link, which appears next to Journal Entries. This doesn't completely delete it - it remains as one of the conversations in your journal forum. If you later decide that what you've written is actually worth keeping, then you can reinstate your Journal Entry to your Personal Space. This is how to do it:..."
Alfredo, you haven't got it completely right when you say that you're the only one who can't see the journals you remove!
What happens when you remove a journal is that it doesn't show up on your personal space anymore and it doesn't show up in the MJ list (the one you see if you click the link to see older journals: MJ237909). Nobody sees it these places!
However it IS possible for anybody - including yourself - to see it on the conversation list for your journal (F134334).
And if people are subscribed to your journal (in other words: If people have you on their friends list), each of your journals will also show up in their list of 'more postings' (MPxxxxxx).
"So I reread them often after I have posted the new Journals and when I discovered poor grammar and expressions that don't match my intentions, I "deleted" the Journals and rewrote them."
As another researcher for whom english is a foreign language, I understand you quite well. But I really don't think you should worry *too* much about it. People at h2g2 usually do the best they can to understand what you mean even if it's not perfect. And if you change your mind about something or just wants to express yourself in a different way than you first did, then it can be a good thing to do that in another post to the conversation. If people can see your "correction" it might actually help them to understand things that maybe aren't completely clear.
Of course it would be nice to be able to correct things that you've made wrong, but as with many other things on h2g2 the rule is to be sure to get it right the first time.
As for the suggestion to cancel the option: Well, sometimes it can be nice to remove things from your personal space, even if you can't hide it completely. And changing the words "Remove this Journal" to "Unsubscribe this Journal" does NOT really cover it - it IS removed from the places where you actually can find that link.
In my opinion (and it seems that you agree) it is NOT a good idea to allow people to delete a journal completely! As would be the case with any other conversations, it can easily end with a big mess if you're able to delete posts or even entire threads. If people have commented on your journal, they'll suddenly either miss the whole thread, or the thing they commented on in the first place, and that would be very confusing.
To make this post complete, I guess I'll have to make a link to one of my converstions about this with Titania. From the forum to DontPanic-Journal: F38458?thread=206520
(Btw: h2g2support, please read post 29 in that thread. I'm afraid it won't help that I tell it to Mark. )".
End of posting 2
Posting 3 by Titania.
"Thank you Ottox - I *knew* you'd be able to come up with the link of the conversation I was thinking of but couldn't remember the exact details of...
By the way - how on earth do you do that, Ottox? Keep trace of everything, I mean... *confused, or confusing, take your pick* "
End of posting 3.
Posting 4 by Marjin
"Alfredo,
if you want to be able to correct what you wrote afterwards, try to make normal entries instead of journal entries.
That way you can still edit them, even completely clear them and start saying something else.
But be carefull, if someone attaches a comment to that entry, it will be there 'forever' and unchangable, even if the entry itself is now about something different."
End of posting 4.
Posting 5 by Bels.
"Marjin's advice is good. A few weeks ago I decided to start writing something which would grow into a personal journal, over a period of time, following the course of my medical condition. Because of this problem with h2g2 'Journal' entries I decided to write it as an entry (A1050986), which I can rewrite or correct whenever I want to, and I started a separate conversation thread which told people about the 'journal' entry and in which I can tell people when I have updated it, so that by subscribing to the thread they will know when there is more for them to read.
Seems to work out ok so far.
Bels".
End of posting 5
Posting 6 by me = Alfredo
Thanks all, for the extensive and intensive replies.
I do hope, it will clear also other minds of researchers about this issue.
Now I know, I can cope with it in my new personal space, although some extra standard words at the "Remove Button" would not be a waste,
is my guess.
The fact that a written Journal remains (can remain) there "forever"-so to speak - has álso been very attractive to me. It makes it more worth wile to write ánd read at H2G2. A little bit of "stabilizing magic" in our volatile modern times.
I write with great care; not to impress, but to serve my own thoughts and emotions, like making a painting and by chance it might inspire a passer-by. And I hope to be inspired by others.
H2G2 has been from the very beginning véry dear to me, although I like to live at H2G2 a rather quiet life. It did made me hesitate to publicly write about this problem. But I did. Too important.
The night has come; it's almost twelve o'clock and I'll pass by my "old" personal page and see if my new one is still "tolerated"
and I great you all from a hot and sunny Holland
Have a good summertime!!
Alfredo"
Discuss this Journal entry [3]
Latest reply: Aug 7, 2003
John Lennon
Posted Aug 6, 2003
This evening, I've been downloading music of John Lennon. Bootlegs,
live versions, trials, etc. etc. ("The complete lost tapes of John Lennon").
Normally I'm not such a "rare-hunter". Too much cult to me.
But this summer evening, listening to known and unknown music by Lennon really lifts my spirit and moves me.
His (Brittish) sense of humor, his political engagement("luck of the Irish"), creativity, vulnerability ("Mother"), sensitivity ("Dear Prudence") and social awareness ("Imagine"), I find impressing.
Of course he could be nasty, irritating, etc. etc. Especially with Ono at his side.
Doesn't matter.
A great composer, performer, artist.
A great man.
A great friend within the human family.
I love the man and his music.
Discuss this Journal entry [1]
Latest reply: Aug 6, 2003
Old Wounds
Posted Aug 6, 2003
It feels a bit awkward, to suddenly write in this digital journal about "old wounds".
Even more embarrassing, while we have a long and sunny summer in Europe.
It's a pity, that I can't hide my journal of this day between very old ones...
It all shows, that our unconsciousnes "doesn't know time".
Feelings from long ago, remain present in a deep level and by a certain "trigger" they come alive, as if they've always been there.
So, I'm writing about old wounds, at august the sixth, 2003, while the heaven smiles with a strong, sunny sun.
But I emphasize; I am - mainly - talking to myself and writing to myself to get rid of the shit. But because I also use it as a posting, I write in a describing way.
- I live along a very small canal ; beautifull, very quiet and with friendly inhabitants at both sides of the water. It's a place where anyone who like to live as long as possible. I often call it a living poem, in which I have found my home. Also because of the inhabitants who show, that we exist for each other, although everybody lives his/her own life. Especially in summertime, when the small streets at both sides are somehow our "living room". There is no traffic here -
Yet, from the very beginning when I came to live here, there is a small dark place in this oasis.
A man of my age never speaks a word to me, while talking as a maniac to everyone else.
It's even more than that.
It was clear to me from day one I live here, that he is afraid of me and runs by panic into his home, when I walk along the street. That happened nine out of ten times; year after year.
Reaching eycontact and saying hallo to him, succeeded once or twice in the passed ten years.
At one occasion I was in panic, because of a boy that lived above me and became extremely noisy. I ran on the street, spoke from my heart to him - being the only one out - and after responding with one word he bowed spasmodic his head into his newspaper.
Scince then, I ignore his behaviour and the person behind it. Not as a counterattack, but as a practical way out of this sick behaviour.
He would ignore any invitation of me.
I see the fear behind it, and leave it behind me.
But scince a year, I've got new neighbours all around me; above me and next to me. I just live in a one-rome apartment,very close to the street.
And scince that happened "the spastic man" talks now all the way through like a maniac with those who live very close to my place.
So I suddenly can become awake by a "good morning neighbour, how was your holiday?" and so get involved in al long conversation, which is véry hard to distance myself from.
A play in an almost absurd theatre within six meters from my own bed, although no one knows he flees from me and ignores me systematically.
I've never talked about it and won't do so.
The reason, why I'm writing now in my dear Journal, is because it begins to cut open very old wounds.
That's what my sleep tells me...
Sleep always charges (old) bills that are'nt paid yet.(here is some homework to do and I hope, that writing here is one way of paying.)
- So in the nightmare last night,I met my ex, by whom I felt totally ignored in the last six years of my merriage.
- I met the four ministers in the church where I once worked as a social worker, who never spoke a word to me. And I suddenly lost 12 kilo's these days ,while I didn't understand why.
- I met the man, who tried to become friends with my girlfriend (43)in a situation in which I felt completely ignored for months in a row.
- The funeral of my dear sister(4) appeared, where I (5) was not present.(probably with best intentions)
- I returned home where I grew up, in my dreams. There I was one of the three "little ones" who did not really matter.
I tried to kill that pain, by splitting myself in two halves and so ignoring the emotional half.
And I started to ignore myself...
So I got a nickname at home called, "The Shadow", and that way of living would dominate untill I was 35.
Yet, this list of nightmares is NOT an introduction to selfpity, although that does not mean I intend to ignore my feelings again.
Selfpity is never a promising way out.
Understanding my own participation in what happens and happened,does.
So if someone ignores me brutely, it can only happen if I lét that person ignore me brutely. Although a solution is not always easily to find.
Not acting is also acting.
A famous Dutch choreographer in modern dance, Hans van Maanen, is always fully aware of that,when he analyses human situations and he makes that visible by his dancers.
By writing here in my own Journal, I do the opposite of what I always did in the passed.
Now I give expression(s) to my feelings.
I am writing it down in the digital world and I am trying not the be ashamed of it.
By writing here in my Journal, I am backing myself.
And maybe it will make me stronger, so that old wounds can be old wounds again and that I can live here in a beautiful, peaceful location, with "only one black spot".
By writing here in my Journal and also using it as a "posting" somewhere else at H2G2, it may also be relevant for someone who reads it.
By writing here in my Journal , there míght stream some fresh air in my heart.
That's all that matters, doesn't it?
Keep breathing, all of you.
I posted this Journal at A509564
Discuss this Journal entry [2]
Latest reply: Aug 6, 2003
Old Wounds
Posted Aug 6, 2003
It feels a bit awkward, to suddenly write in this digital journal about "old wounds". Even more embarrassing while we have a long and sunny summer in Europe.
It's a pity, that I can't hide my journal of this day between very old ones.
It all shows, that our unconsciousnes "doesn't know time".
Feelings from long ago, remain present in a deep level and by a certain "trigger" they come alive, as if they've always been there.
So, I'm writing about old wounds, at august the sixth, 2003, while the heaven smiles with a strong, sunny sun.
But I emphasize; I am - mainly - talking to myself and writing to myself to get rid of the shit. But because I also use it as a posting, I write in a describing way.
- I live along a very small canal ; beautifull, very quiet and with friendly inhabitants at both sides of the water. It's a place where anyone who like to live as long as possible. I often call it a living poem, in which I have found my home. Also because of the inhabitants who show, that we exist for each other, although everybody lives his/her own life. Especially in summertime, when the small streets at both sides are somehow our "living room". There is no traffic here -
Yet, from the very beginning when I came to live here, there is a small dark place in this oasis.
A man of my age never speaks a word to me, while talking as a maniac to everyone else.
It's even more than that.
It was clear to me from day one I live here, that he is afraid of me and runs by panic into his home, when I walk along the street. That happened nine out of ten times; year after year.
Reaching eycontact and saying hallo to him, succeeded once or twice in the passed ten years.
At one occasion I was in panic, because of a boy that lived above me and became extremely noisy. I ran on the street, spoke from my heart to him - being the only one out - and after responding with one word he bowed spasmodic his head into his newspaper.
Scince then, I ignore his behaviour and the person behind it. Not as a counterattack, but as a practical way out of this sick behaviour.
He would ignore any invitation of me.
I see the fear behind it, and leave it behind me.
But scince a year, I've got new neighbours all around me; above me and next to me. I just live in a one-rome apartment,very close to the street.
And scince that happened "the spastic man" talks now all the way through like a maniac with those who live very close to my place.
So I suddenly can become awake by a "good morning neighbour, how was your holiday?" and so get involved in al long conversation, which is véry hard to distance myself from.
A play in an almost absurd theatre within six meters from my own bed, although no one knows he flees from me and ignores me systematically.
I've never talked about it and won't do so.
The reason, why I'm writing now in my dear Journal, is because it begins to cut open very old wounds.
That's what my sleep tells me...
Sleep always charges (old) bills that are'nt paid yet.(here is some homework to do and I hope, that writing here is one way of paying.)
So in the nightmare last night,I met my ex, by whom I felt totally ignored in the last six years of my merriage.
I met the four ministers in the church where I once worked as a social worker, who never spoke a word to me. And I suddenly lost 12 kilo's these days ,while I didn't understand why.
I met the man, who tried to become friends with my girlfriend (43)in a situation I felt completely ignored for months.
The funeral of my dear sister(4) where I(5) was not present.(probably with good intentions)
I returned home,in my dreams, where I as one of the three "little ones" that did not really matter.
I tried to kill that pain, by splitting myself in two halves and so ignoring the emotional half.
I started to ignore myself...
So I got "The Shadow" as a nickname and that formula would dominate, till I was 35.
Yet, this list of nightmares is NOT an introduction to selfpity, although that does not mean I intend to ignore my feelings again.
Selfpity is never a promising way out.
Understanding my own participation in what happens and happened, does.
So if someone ignores me brutely, it can only happen if I lét that person ignore me brutely. Although a solution is not always simple to find.
Not acting is also acting.
A famous Dutch choreographer in modern dance, Hans van Maanen, is always fully aware of that,when he analyses human situations and makes that visible by his dancers.
By writing here in my own Journal, I do the opposite of what I always did in the passed.
Now I give expression(s) to my feelings.
I am writing it down in the digital world and I am trying not the be ashamed of it.
By writing here in my Journal, I am backing myself.
And maybe it will make me stronger, so that old wounds can be old wounds again and that I can live here in a beautiful, peaceful location, with "only one black spot".
By writing here in my Journal and using it as a "posting" somewhere else at H2G2, it may also be relevant for someone who reads it.
By writing here in my Journal , theret míght stream some fresh air in my heart.
That's all that matters, doesn't it?
Keep breathing, all of you.
I posted this Journal at A509564
Discuss this Journal entry [1]
Latest reply: Aug 6, 2003
Old Wounds
Posted Aug 6, 2003
It feels a bit awkward, to suddenly write in this digital journal about "old wounds". Even more embarrassing while we have a long and sunny summer in Europe.
It's a pity, that I can't hide my journal of this day between very old ones.
It all shows, that our unconsciousnes "doesn't know time".
Feelings from long ago, remain present in a deep level and by a certain "trigger" they come alive, as if they've always been there.
So, I'm writing about old wounds, at august the sixth, 2003, while the heaven smiles with a strong, sunny sun.
But I emphasize; I am - mainly - talking to myself and writing to myself to get rid of the shit. But because I also use it as a posting, I write in a describing way.
- I live along a very small canal ; beautifull, very quiet and with friendly inhabitants at both sides of the water. It's a place where anyone who like to live as long as possible. I often call it a living poem, in which I have found my home. Also because of the inhabitants who show, that we exist for each other, although everybody lives his/her own life. Especially in summertime, when the small streets at both sides are somehow our "living room". There is no traffic here -
Yet, from the very beginning when I came to live here, there is a small dark place in this oasis.
A man of my age never speaks a word to me, while talking as a maniac to everyone else.
It's even more than that.
It was clear to me from day one I live here, that he is afraid of me and runs by panic into his home, when I walk along the street. That happened nine out of ten times; year after year.
Reaching eycontact and saying hallo to him, succeeded once or twice in the passed ten years.
At one occasion I was in panic, because of a boy that lived above me and became extremely noisy. I ran on the street, spoke from my heart to him - being the only one out - and after responding with one word he bowed spasmodic his head into his newspaper.
Scince then, I ignore his behaviour and the person behind it. Not as a counterattack, but as a practical way out of this sick behaviour.
He would ignore any invitation of me.
I see the fear behind it, and leave it behind me.
But scince a year, I've got new neighbours all around me; above me and next to me. I just live in a one-rome apartment,very close to the street.
And scince that happened "the spastic man" talks now all the way through like a maniac with those who live very close to my place.
So I suddenly can become awake by a "good morning neighbour, how was your holiday?" and so get involved in al long conversation, which is véry hard to distance myself from.
A play in an almost absurd theatre within six meters from my own bed, although no one knows he flees from me and ignores me systematically.
I've never talked about it and won't do so.
The reason, why I'm writing now in my dear Journal, is because it begins to cut open very old wounds.
That's what my sleep tells me...
Sleep always charges (old) bills that are'nt paid yet.(here is some homework to do and I hope, that writing here is one way of paying.)
So in the nightmare last night,I met my ex, by whom I felt totally ignored in the last six years of my merriage.
I met the four ministers in the church where I once worked as a social worker, who never spoke a word to me. And I suddenly lost 12 kilo's these days ,while I didn't understand why.
I met the man, who tried to become friends with my girlfriend (43)in a situation I felt completely ignored for months.
The funeral of my dear sister(4) where I(5) was not present.(probably with good intentions)
I returned home,in my dreams, where I as one of the three "little ones" that did not really matter.
I tried to kill that pain, by splitting myself in two halves and so ignoring the emotional half.
I started to ignore myself...
So I got "The Shadow" as a nickname and that formula would dominate, till I was 35.
Yet, this list of nightmares is NOT an introduction to selfpity, although that does not mean I intend to ignore my feelings again.
Selfpity is never a promising way out.
Understanding my own participation in what happens and happened, does.
So if someone ignores me brutely, it can only happen if I lét that person ignore me brutely. Although a solution is not always simple to find.
Not acting is also acting.
A famous Dutch choreographer in modern dance, Hans van Maanen, is always fully aware of that,when he analyses human situations and makes that visible by his dancers.
By writing here in my own Journal, I do the opposite of what I always did in the passed.
Now I give expression(s) to my feelings.
I am writing it down in the digital world and I am trying not the be ashamed of it.
By writing here in my Journal, I am backing myself.
And maybe it will make me stronger, so that old wounds can be old wounds again and that I can live here in a beautiful, peaceful location, with "only one black spot".
By writing here in my Journal and using it as a "posting" somewhere else at H2G2, it may also be relevant for someone who reads it.
By writing here in my Journal , theret míght stream some fresh air in my heart.
That's all that matters, doesn't it?
Keep breathing, all of you.
P.S. I posted this Journal at F62433
Discuss this Journal entry [1]
Latest reply: Aug 6, 2003
Alfredo
Researcher U200370
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