This is the Message Centre for Emmily ~ Roses are red, Peas are green, My face is a laugh, But yours is a scream

An empty sadness

Post 1

Emmily ~ Roses are red, Peas are green, My face is a laugh, But yours is a scream

My son came in earlier, and announced he's moving out tomorrow. He's 18, well 19 next month. I guess it's been on the cards since my partner moved in, almost three years ago, they didn't get on at all, though they were just as bad a as each other, it was difficult at times to tell which was the stroppy teenager, and which was the mature adult. But I didn't think he'd really move out, not yet..........


An empty sadness

Post 2

Skankyrich [?]

My brother (seven years younger than me) and I couldn't stand my Mum's new partner when she got together with him - I was 18 at the time, he was 11. We had incredible spats which my Mum was caught in the middle of; even over the news. I moved out very quickly, they moved away to Bristol with my brother - he went off to Uni at the first available opportunity. I suppose, looking back, it was hard to deal with a new man at the head of the household, and we assert our independence - as much as a way of proclaiming our adulthood as anything.

Anyway, after a few years of merely tolerating each others' presence at family dos and tetchy 'how are you's when I phoned to find she wasn't in, it all settled down. We're not exactly best mates, but we've both accepted that we're each an important part of her life and have grown to appreciate each other for that. The smiles we've exchanged on meeting for the last few years have been warm, though - I suppose it just takes time to get used to it.

I don't know if this is any help to you whatsoever smiley - hug


An empty sadness

Post 3

Emmily ~ Roses are red, Peas are green, My face is a laugh, But yours is a scream

smiley - cheers Rich. I've been there too, so this is like history repeating itself.

My dad died when I was 13, my mums met someone, and he moved in when I was 15, and they got married when I was 20 and I moved out soon afterwards. I hated him, I still won't refer to him as my step-dad, and correct anyone who does call him that, that he's my mum's husband. So I was aware of potential problems, and remembered what had hurt me over my situation, and tried to treat those situations sensitively. But, it didn't work, I failed.

I'm a single parent, for 15 years it was just the two of us, we used to be very close, that's gone now, though I think that was already happening, due to his natural independence, growing up, and teenage years.

At least he's not moving 400 miles away, like I did. He'll still be nearby, but I'm still finding it hard, that's he's going at all.



An empty sadness

Post 4

Skankyrich [?]

Yes, K is still my Mum's husband, and I'm still a little ferocious with people if they get that one wrong smiley - smiley

'But, it didn't work, I failed.'

Well, failed sounds a little strong. I doubt very much if you could have influenced how they felt about each to the barest degree; your partner was probably overaware of the difficulty he would have in befriending (or whatever smiley - smiley) a teenager, and with you being so close to your son it would be nigh-on impossible for him to simply accept another person in your affections.

I think he'll probably appreciate you more when he's not living at home, though. You know the first flush of independence; then you realise that there's all sorts of things that you never knew about. Your shelf falls down and you can't fix it, you run out of money and food a few days before payday, miss getting a good meal every Sunday, that sort of thing. I'm sure it won't be the same without him at home, but with a little space and time I'm sure the relationship between him and your partner will become a lot more amicable.


And believe me, the first thing you miss when you move out is your Mum.


An empty sadness

Post 5

Emmily ~ Roses are red, Peas are green, My face is a laugh, But yours is a scream

Failed may sound strong, that's how I feel at the moment, I'll probably feel better about it all after a night's sleep.

I thought things were at a reasonable tolerant level, the first year was the worse. The amount of times I had to physically put myself between the pair of them to stop the fists from flying, and stop the two men I loved and had thrown together from hurting each other. It was my partner's chest I pounded on to back off, he was older, and (should have) had more control than a stroppy teenager.

>>Your shelf falls down and you can't fix it<< thanks for making me laugh Rich, Alex is the best DIYer out of the three of us, (we'll miss his DIY skills) he's always been good with his hands, since I bought him his first lego set. smiley - smiley

He's moving in with his girlfriend, and her 2 year-old-son from a previous relationship, he's been staying there quite often last few weeks. I wonder if he'll get some insight of how difficult such situation can be from a different angle, though I doubt it, moving in with a parent of a two-year-old is a hell of a lot different from a 15-year-old.

I'm off to bed, see if I can get some sleep, thanks for the chat, and 'night Rich. smiley - smiley

Emmily
smiley - bluebutterfly




An empty sadness

Post 6

Skankyrich [?]

Any time, love - cars that have blown up like mine can be fixed, family problems are far harder to deal with. You can find my email on the Scouts group if you want to natter offsite smiley - hug

Sleep well, and hope you feel better about it all soon smiley - kiss


An empty sadness

Post 7

JinjerTom

Hi Emmily

I'm sorry your son and your new man haven't managed to get along.

My perspective is that of the new man in the lives of my partner and her children over 17 years ago, when I was 25 and she was 40.

Her son of 16 was naturally unsure of my presence and I understand he cross-examined her, but accepted her decision. Her 14-year-old daughter was much more accepting of the situation.

I was very mindful of their feelings and was careful to behave as a guest in their house and never expected to be regarded as their step-father.

Now that they are grown up with their own lives, I am very much part of their family, as they are of mine.

The son is living in New Zealand, has got married and they have just produced their second daughter. I am to be called Grumps, which is a huge compliment in terms of his acceptance of me. The longevity of the relationship obviously helps, as does the fact that we can mix sociably with his dad and new wife - including sharing a house in Auckland for the wedding a few years back.

Even without conflict, it was very emotional when he first left home, as it must be for most mothers.

Hopefully, time will heal for you and yours.

Maybe it is his natural time to spread his wings anyway. I have recently met a lady who's "kids" were still at home at 25 and 27, so she made them find their own feet by selling the house from under them and moving.

When I left home, my mum had passed away and I had started to be irrationally annoyed by everything my dad said or did. I think this is part of the process for some people.

Hope that helps?

JTsmiley - cat


An empty sadness

Post 8

Prof Animal Chaos.C.E.O..err! C.E.Idiot of H2G2 Fools Guild (Official).... A recipient of S.F.L and S.S.J.A.D.D...plus...S.N.A.F.U.

as long as he still has love and respect for his mother, bear with it Emmily.
Also that he keeps in contact with you.

smiley - hugsmiley - hugsmiley - smooch


An empty sadness

Post 9

Emmily ~ Roses are red, Peas are green, My face is a laugh, But yours is a scream

smiley - cheers JT and animal smiley - smiley

Emmily
smiley - bluebutterfly


An empty sadness

Post 10

Prof Animal Chaos.C.E.O..err! C.E.Idiot of H2G2 Fools Guild (Official).... A recipient of S.F.L and S.S.J.A.D.D...plus...S.N.A.F.U.

I'll always have plenty ofsmiley - cuddles for you Emmily, anytime at allsmiley - hugsmiley - smooch


An empty sadness

Post 11

Emmily ~ Roses are red, Peas are green, My face is a laugh, But yours is a scream

Thank you Animal smiley - smiley

He came and got all his belonging, and went yesterday. He took a few things I'd have preferred to have kept. Such as the video recording of the news item from his primary school days, when he and his classmates were shown singing their 'nit rap' maybe when he's in a better-frame-of-mind I'll suggest convering it onto a couple of CDs, so we can have a copy each. smiley - smiley

Emmily
smiley - bluebutterfly


An empty sadness

Post 12

Prof Animal Chaos.C.E.O..err! C.E.Idiot of H2G2 Fools Guild (Official).... A recipient of S.F.L and S.S.J.A.D.D...plus...S.N.A.F.U.

its a big thing he's doing Emmily and he will need time to work things out, he'll be ok love.
Remember the old saying, it don't matter how old you are, who do you run to for a plaster,if you trip and graze a knee....MAM!
he will stay close to yousmiley - hug


An empty sadness

Post 13

Galaxy Babe - eclectic editor

smiley - hugmy older children all left home at age 17...the girls it was kind of expected but my lad was my rock, he moved out because my younger lad his half-brother was doing his head in and he (older lad) was frightened he'd lose it and do him some real harm.
I actually felt my heart break when he left.
He's only in the next county so I don't see a lot of him but 6 years on I still miss him a lot.smiley - cry

smiley - cuddlesmiley - cheerupat least you have your partnersmiley - cheerup


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