This is the Message Centre for Andy Barber

Dealing with a dying relative

Post 1

Andy Barber

About 5 months ago my father was diagnosed as having cancer. This in itself is a odd thing to deal with, not just for the person who has been diagnosed but also for those whose lives are affected by it.

I mean, what do you say? My brain went numb searching for the appropriate response. To make matters worse, about 4 weeks ago, the consultants said there is nothing that could be done. The tumour was too far advanced and they couldn't slow down it's progress. Due to this fact, the normal treatments of radio and chemotherapy have not been offered because they consider it to be a worthless excercise.

So, he was sent home..with morphine painkillers. Sent home to die. Each day, when I visit my parents, I watch as my father's life just slips away from him. I talk to him and his replies don't make sense because the pain has been so severe for him that he's had to take morphine and the drugs have made him incoherent.

It's odd, at least in my mind, that he is receiving so much support at this stage. Yet he waited months for the initial scan and subsequent diagnosis. It's not odd that he's receiving the support as such. Afterall, his time on this world is limited and he should spend it as comfortable as possible.

What's odd, to me anyhow, is that there is a lack of support for the relatives who are trying to come to terms with the approaching death of a loved one. I've tried on a few occassions to get information from my father's consultant about the nature and extent of my father's illness. Each time, I was told that it could not be discussed due to confidentiality. In doing this, no-one seems to address the worry and concerns of relatives. The relatives become unimportant in some way.

My poor mother, who is now in her seventies, is worried sick about the possibility of losing her husband. Yet, not once has a doctor or support worker asked 'how you coping with this'or 'is there anything we can do to make your life a bit easier'. So often are sick and dying relatives left to be cared for be relatives who, perhaps, are not in the best condition to look after them.

Maybe someone knows of a support group, where people can discuss the fears they have and receive some comfort. If so, maybe they'll be good enough to tell me.

Thanks for reading this.

Andrew


Dealing with a dying relative

Post 2

Lighthousegirl - back on board

smiley - hug

Andy - I dont know what to say, but please know that there are people out here who will listen. I know we dont know each other yet - but if there is anything I can do, even if it is just to be here for you please just let me know



Light
smiley - lighthouse


Dealing with a dying relative

Post 3

Andy Barber

Thanks, it nice to know that their are people out there, I guess the worst feeling is that 'I'm on my own, and I'm not sure if I'm coping' thing.

I was really down when I wrote that entry, but knowing that there are kind people out there does help.


Dealing with a dying relative

Post 4

Lighthousegirl - back on board

Wonderful news Bob!

smiley - bubbly all round I think smiley - biggrin

What sort of cakes?


Dealing with a dying relative

Post 5

Lighthousegirl - back on board

smiley - bleep

Sorry Andy - that will not have made any sense at all smiley - erm Case of not engaging Brain fully when posting - and yes I do have more than one browser window open!


Now what I meant to say was ...


Dealing with a dying relative

Post 6

Lighthousegirl - back on board

smiley - hug

I hope that writing it helped. I know that when i am feeling out of sorts with my head ina total whirl about 'stuff' and getting down, stoppping and writing about it not only helps me get my head straighter but also helps me deal with how I am feeling and somehow makes it OK to be feeling that way!

The support I have had during some tough times while I have been here has been amazing - the people here are fantastic.

We will be here for you Andy, you may feel alone, but we will be here. Not just in the bad time but the good too.

If you need to talk you know where we are smiley - hug

How are things going at the moment?


Dealing with a dying relative

Post 7

Andy Barber

At the moment, not too badly. My dad seems comfortable, but is very dependent on the drugs now. He was able to hold a conversation tho, which was great.

Thanks for asking


Dealing with a dying relative

Post 8

Lighthousegirl - back on board

Glad to hear that Andy - it must be good for you and for your Mum to be able to talk with him

Do your parents live near to you?


Dealing with a dying relative

Post 9

Andy Barber

They do, within a 10 minute drive, which is handy. Although not at 2 in the morning!! However, being near them is a bonus when things go wrong!


Dealing with a dying relative

Post 10

Lighthousegirl - back on board

I guess at the moment it is a real help - my parents live an hour and a half away - which for me most of the time is a little too close for comfort, but when things happen it makes it hard to just pop round and check up on them smiley - erm


Dealing with a dying relative

Post 11

Granny Weatherwax - ACE - Hells Belle, Mother-in-Law from the Pit - Haunting near you on Saturday

Andy, if you are UK based, there is an organisation called Macmillan Nurses who could possibly put you in touch with some local support groups, or you could email me at [email protected] with details of your home town & I'll have a scout around at work for you.
smiley - rose

Thinking of you and all your family

Granny


Dealing with a dying relative

Post 12

Lighthousegirl - back on board

* waves to Granny *

Hi! I think Andy's space says he is from Newcastle.


Dealing with a dying relative

Post 13

Andy Barber

Thanks for the information guys. I'll have a scout around for the local group of McMillian Nurse and see if they can help out.

Many thanks, a least I have a starting point now.

Andy


Dealing with a dying relative

Post 14

Lighthousegirl - back on board

smiley - hug


Dealing with a dying relative

Post 15

Granny Weatherwax - ACE - Hells Belle, Mother-in-Law from the Pit - Haunting near you on Saturday

Hi Andy, *waves to Lighthousegirl*

I've got some addresses for you but running true to form, I've left them on my desk at work. I'll post them tomorrow night. In the meantime, try your/your Dad's GP surgery. The Practice Nurse will usually have some information on local palliative care.


Dealing with a dying relative

Post 16

Andy Barber

Thanks, you're an angel. I've actually mentioned the MacMillan Nurses to my dad. We're going to look in it. Again, many thanks


Dealing with a dying relative

Post 17

Granny Weatherwax - ACE - Hells Belle, Mother-in-Law from the Pit - Haunting near you on Saturday

Right, brain intact today, as promised:-

http://www.counselandcare.org.uk
http://www.hospiceinformation.co.uk/directory/directory.asp
http://www.cancerbacup.org.uk

hope these help

smiley - hug to you all

Granny W


Dealing with a dying relative

Post 18

Granny Weatherwax - ACE - Hells Belle, Mother-in-Law from the Pit - Haunting near you on Saturday

Right, brain intact today, as promised:-

http://www.counselandcare.org.uk
http://www.hospinformation.co.uk/directory/directory.asp
http://www.cancerbacup.org.uk

hope these help

smiley - hug to you all

Granny W


Dealing with a dying relative

Post 19

Granny Weatherwax - ACE - Hells Belle, Mother-in-Law from the Pit - Haunting near you on Saturday

Right, brain intact today, as promised:-

www.counselandcare.org.uk
www.hospiceinformation.co.uk/directory/directory.asp
www.cancerbacup.org.uk

hope these help

smiley - hug to you all

Granny W


Dealing with a dying relative

Post 20

Granny Weatherwax - ACE - Hells Belle, Mother-in-Law from the Pit - Haunting near you on Saturday

Just popped over with another smiley - hug


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