This is the Message Centre for Sitting on the stair
Humanoid at Last Started conversation Apr 27, 2002
Your poetry is so sad and beautiful I just have to say hello, I would like to see your words in a song, perhaps you can not write song-words just like your not write poetry words
I agree it's a great place to be who you are inside and not what the world wants you to be. In being true to yourself in this space you discover that you are who you are inside, it just gets lost sometimes, hope you visit sometime, will catch your space again.
Sitting on the stair Posted Apr 29, 2002
Thank you for those words Humanoid. I know even less about songs than I know about poetry, if these qualify as poetry. I'm not sure what I've written them for. But it means something to know someone has read them.
I'm not sure how true to myself I can be here. It's hard to explain. It's as if there's 80% of me that I can be quite open about - that's the person I am when writing from my other homepage here on h2g2. Then there's 10% of me that I am not willing to show to the real world but that wants to speak. As people in real life know my other homepage I opened this second account on h2g2 to do that. But to keep this identity separate means not talking about the other 80% - that is difficult to do and still feel honest.
It's very tempting to post to discussions here *exactly* what I feel from this identity which is completely anonymous in the real world. Maybe I would discover more about who I am if I did. I haven't because I may well end up talking to people I already know without them knowing. That feels dishonest. It is a dilemma isn't it? And it begs the question why I need the security of anonymity. Part of it is cowardice - I don't like confrontation. Part of it is because showing some kinds of feelings makes me feel vulnerable.
Sorry to go on about all that but I wanted to try to explain why I don't do much posting to conversations from here. I envy people who have the confidence to be exactly themselves wherever they are.
I saw your entry about hearing. I found it moving. I hope you stick with it to get it into the guide - the guide will be the better for it. You could have two versions of it if you wished, one altered to fit the edited guide rules and one to say exactly what you feel, in the first person, in your own words.
Thank you for dropping by and taking the time to talk.
Humanoid at Last Posted Apr 29, 2002
Glad you felt able to respond to my thoughts on your work. Firstly you need know nothing about music to write words that make people want express them in a song, and secondly there is absolutely nothing wrong in keeping back some of yourself.
Maybe you are having an internal struggle with particular revelations, but there is no law that says you have to relate anything personal, private or sensitive to anyone.
If something bad happened to you or you did something bad or there is something you feel ashamed about, or an emotion that is considered a 'no no' by society, or perhaps some of society, then that inner struggle may be helped by being open. When and if you feel confident enough to be open you will be suprised to find that after an initial shock, most people then help you to deal with it.
Hope you will not be offended by my thoughts above, and many thanks for your response to my work
Sitting on the stair Posted May 20, 2002
I'm not at all offended - it's kind of you to take an interest. I do want to think through some of these issues. Your opinions help with that.
But I don't wish to mislead you - any struggle I have is not because something particularly bad has happened to me. There are people here on h2g2 who have related terrible experiences, I have been very fortunate by comparison. I keep quiet about some things for two distinct reasons I think. One - because it would hurt those who care about me to know some of the feelings I have. Two - because letting some people know what really matters to you gives them a weapon with which they can really hurt you.
Oh, maybe there's three reasons - Three - because I might make a fool of myself, .
Just reread your guide entry, it's looking very good. It reminded me of one of the more embarassing hours of my life. On returning from some years overseas, I found myself in a group of people all eagerly asking questions. I couldn't understand a word they said, because of the contrast in accents. After asking them to repeat the question untill I was too embarassed to ask again, I just said 'yes' or 'no' and hoped I waasn't making too much of a fool of myself. How's that for idiotic - why didn't I just explain? I would today, I've outgrown that particular idiocy.
Humanoid at Last Posted May 21, 2002
I had a similiar mis-hearing experience with accents, the worst/funniest, was with a lady dentist who had such a broad brogue and spoke so quietly, I just hadn't a clue.
The obligatory mouth full of instruments was a great help, I just Ughed and Ahhed my way through the minefield and hoped I was'nt agreeing to some obscure dental fashion.
Glad my comments didn't offend and pleased they gave you food for thought. Sometimes I have thoughts/feelings I do not express, I find that a little space can change or dull them down or at the least make them manageable.
Sometimes I self deny thoughts, or even memories, it makes for a more peaceful life. I suppose I have become less intense and learned to recognise that I cannot change thoughts, things or people, I just flow and steer around matters that are akward or disagreeable. (Without subjugating or demeaning myself.)
Hope things are going okay with you, drop in again
Sitting on the stair Posted Jun 19, 2002
Dropping in again. I didn't realise it had been this long. You asked if things are ok with me. They are in all the ways that matter. And normally I'd simply say I was fine. But since I'm trying to be more honest under this ID I'll confess that, for no really justifiable reason, I've been feeling very hermit like these last few weeks. It stopped yesterday, I don't know why. (Although, and I hadn't made this connection untill I was typing this, I met a deadline at work yesterday. That needs thinking about. )
My dentist doesn't expect answers. He just chats away - it's quite relaxing. I like him. Which after years of dreading and avoiding dentists is a miracle.
Can I ask if denying thoughts and memories bothers you at all? Does it ever make you feel you're not being yourself?
Humanoid at Last Posted Jun 21, 2002
Glad things going okay with you, things with me are fine. In response to your question, I don't feel untrue to myself, I feel I have learn't that some places (thoughts or memories) are detremental to my well being in body and spirit. If some thoughts are not too great then I turn my attention elsewhere, I think that everyone has thoughts that are not very desirable, and that beating yourself up about them is non-productive.
I also feel that memories are only worth having if there good. If they are bad then all we can do is learn from them, if they are very bad then we have to try to put them away and move on. Collecting new memories is better than remembering bad old ones.
Enough about my thoughts, I hope your hermitization was helpful to you, and pleased to hear from you again.
Since we last wrote, I have had some more dental treatment, repairing previous bad dental work, I will soon have my smile back again hoorah, I have really missed being able to smile in public without embarassment.
Write again, it's nice to hear from you
Sitting on the stair Posted Jul 2, 2002
Hi, is the smile back yet? I hope so.
"thoughts that are not very desirable", yes, the occasional thought flits through where you think 'hey! No. Not going there' and take your attention somewhere else.
Depends on what sort of thing it is though. I do remember some things/times to try to work out why something happened or why I did something a particular way if I'm repeating mistakes. Bels wrote a very interesting guide entry about 'The Structures in our lives' at A721162. One of my 'circles' of behaviour is that of withdrawing and going silent. Hermitisation is all too easy and not a good thing for me.
Getting away from undesirable thoughts and bad memories, what about the opposite? Do you ever get to a deserted beach and just want to leap of the top of the sand dunes, yell your head off, then run spinning round on the sand like a whirling dervish just for the sheer glory of it? I done it, apart from the spinning bit, but no where near as often as I've wanted to.
I'm hesitating about posting this because it feels like advertising my 'poems'. Eugh, what a thought. But you started this thread saying what I had written was sad. Well it's not all sad, not by any means. I recently spent a few days with the boy I was writing about and we had a good time. A great time. I added to to what I had written before when I got back. It redresses the balance a bit. You don't need to read, I just wanted to say that there's a lot of joy there too.
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