Journal Entries

May 9th

I went for a walk in the woods today. I spent a leisurly hour picking Fiddleheads. I now have enough to blanche and freeze. Because I'm greedy, I'll go out again tomorrow and pick again. The Crabbapple trees outside my window are finally blooming. Spring is very late here in Ontario Canada and I welcome it at last. With Spring, I welcome yet a new beginning. I continuously think Forwards and Onwards. I can't continuously think in the Present.

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Latest reply: May 9, 2003

April 30th

"Now is the winter of our discontent
Made glorious summer by this sun-----of" Spring!!!

Spring has finally arrived in my part of Canada. The birds have come back, the geese and swans are nesting and the fishing season has opened on the river. My soulmate survived the surgery which has made him pain free and mobile- Although the Leukemia still lingers and will never go away, we will now be able to enjoy yet another summer season without the worry of PAIN! I begin work at the local Marina again, for the summer season, on Saturday- my true respite from a household of compete chaos! I look forward to whole days spent outside, by the water, talking to fishermen and women and Tourists. I love the fact that my workplace is a mere 1 minute walk from my home. Peter's successful operation amidst the SARS constraints is shear joy to me. His operation was postponed because of the outbreak but his doctors chose to move the surgery from "elective" to "mandatory" We are truly grateful. His son is getting married on Sunday and the day before he had his surgery (two weeks ago) He sstated that "I hope that I will attend a wedding rather than a funeral" Of course, he was reffering to his own possible demise because there was a very strong possibility that he woudn't survive the operation. Thanks to those people out there who have been giving us on-going support. You know who you are. smiley - smiley

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Latest reply: May 1, 2003

March 31st

I took my daughterr yesterday to the local pub in celebration of her 19th birthday (the legal drinking age in Canada) The proprieter- who I know very wellbecause I used to be one of his cooks- sent over a Sambouka to her and wished her well. I arrived home to find a police car in my driveway (again) because Darel had been harrassed again! It never ends. I think the day is going fine and I get punched in the gut! In travelledc to Kingston on Friday to take Peter to his Oncologist. He is schedualed to have an operation on April 10th to remove tumours on his spine which are causing him a great deal of pain. 'The surgery is risky because of his present health and because all of the drugs he is takeing for Leukemia. I'm frightened. Now I hear that the Ontrio Public Health has spread it's SARS alert from the Toronto area Hospitals to all of Ontario. This may mean that his surgery (a long distance from Toronto) may be cancelled. He needs this surgery to improve his quality of life. Cchrist, 10 steps forward, 20 steps back. Sleep isn't an escape. I have vivid dreams about my surroundings which simply heighten my anxieties. I also find it ironic that I'm the oldest of six children and one of two lonely females at each end of the spectrum who never got along withe her parents, yet I'm the only sibling living in the same Community as my prents and am the one who is ending up takeing care of them. I feel very confused these days. I have a brther in Vancouver who wants to fly me out there for a holiday, two other brothers in Toronto who want me to come for a few nights so that I may have some respite (they'll wine and dine me) I don't want to leave peter somewhat alone here and my parents and my daughters need me as well. I'm pulled in several different directions and none of them seem to point back to My needs. It's a Black Dog on my shoulder kind of day.

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Latest reply: Apr 1, 2003

March 16th

I saw my Mom today- she definately looks better but won't be out of ICU for at least a week. Peter is getting worse. walking is a chore as he is in a great deal of pain. Peter is a man who has always been a great outdoorsman. Embarking on a locla trail with his binoculours has been a daily event most of his life. Now we have to go to the bottom of the lakeshore, sit in a car with our binoculours and look at the birds without getting out of the truck. He is truely frustrated and agitated. He is irritable, angry and is becomeing insular. With everything else I have to deal with around us, I'm increasingly finding it difficult to get up in the morning and go "Forward". However, haveing said that, I WILL NOT give up. I spent a great part of today listening to the CBC (the Canadian Broadcasting Corporation-radio version) In the most part the airwaves were taken over with the subject of Iraq. War is imminent. TDhe Bush Administration are stateing that today's meetin in the Azores was a last ditch attempt for diplomacy but in actuality, it was a war summit. I believe that tommorrow at 6:00 New York time (when the UN's officialy closes for the day, the bombs will start to drop on Iraq. The world as we know it today will be forever changed tomorrow. World War 111 is about to begin. Our local schools are beginning to think about how to alleviate the fears of it's young students The last few days have congered up memories of when as a youdth, I practices "Duck and Cover" during the Bay of Pigs Crisis. and my parents did their best to elleviate any fear by saying "It's merely a drill somewhat like a fire drill" In hindsight, I recall the shear terror in their eyes aas well as tdhe hushed discussion as we entered the room. I won't be as deceptive with my kids. I want them to know what is reported on the news on a daily basis because they are going to hear it at school or on the TV eventually. On a positve note- Today was a balmy temp of plus 12C. The fisherman are out in full force on the river and the lake in front of me. I took many pictures as ice in front of my home is very unusual at this time of year. I'm oiling up my flyrod in anticipation of the River's fishing season.

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Latest reply: Mar 17, 2003

March 13th

Last night my father called to tell me that my mother is in intensive care in a hospital north of here. I won't be going away for the weekend for obvious reasons. I'm the only sibling of six that lives here (the others are far away) So I'm going to hang tight in case my father needs help and support. I would just like to go to sleep, wake up and not continuously have heavy weight on my shoulders!

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Latest reply: Mar 13, 2003

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kasese<a rather confused individual, desperately seeking Harmony>

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