Posted Jun 14, 2003
I have heard it said ad nauseum that the very thing you need will most likely appear when you aren't looking for it. As cliche as it may sound, in the past few months I have found it to be nothing short of true. I have never been one to dwell on the loneliness of being a single twenty-something, or harp on the things that are missing from my life. But it just happened that at a time when the last thing I wanted was to allow another person into the fortress that is my life, it happened anyway and I had no control over it.
I won't bore you with a word for word recap of that first encounter. To sum it up, we met for the first "real" time on an elevator in my office building. I, having a bad day that day, was near tears, and he was concerned about me. He even followed me to my desk to make sure I was alright. I now know that this was a shameless ploy on his part to find out who I was, as he had seen me in passing on several occasions and hadn't the opportunity to approach me. What followed were more visits to my desk, and some conversations in the lobby on our way in and out of the building. Once the holidays came and went, we began going to lunch together on a regular basis. Lunch moved on to group outings in the evenings, the next thing you know we are officially dating. Not exclusively, but dating nonetheless.
If anyone had asked on that December day when we met if I thought this person would become a permanent fixture in my daily life, I would have laughed in their face! The last thing I wanted at that time was someone else to contend with. At that time, I felt very much like everyone had expectations of me, and that for the most part I was a means to an end for everyone in my life. I had lost my faith in people completely, as it seemed that everyone who claimed to love me didn't, everyone who said they would never hurt me did just that, and everyone who I trusted had used that trust against me. I had no need to allow myself to fall a fool for that again. Now I am not saying that those feelings and that loss of faith and trust has been reversed, but I can say that the sting of that kind of hurt has been lessened.
What I have found is a true companion. Something I have never had before. There is no silly high school-esque "I like you, do you like me" game happening, and it isn't a wild passionate affair that will burn out in short time. What I have is comfort that comes from knowing every day someone cares if I make it to work OK, if I have time for lunch, and wants to hear my voice before he goes to sleep. It's knowing that he is my buddy first and everything else is second. I always know exactly where I stand with him, if he's angry with me he says so, if he's annoyed he straight up tells me, if he just wants to grab me and kiss me he does it. And that is the way I love it. He encourages me to do what is best for me, even if it doesn't include him, and he doesn't push me to do things I don't want to do or say things I am not ready to say. He understands the hurt I have felt and continue to feel, and encourages me to do what I need to quell that hurt, yet doesn't allow me to wallow in it either. He stands up to me and doesn't let me railroad him, but all the while he allows me to be me...happy, sad, mad, drunk, silly, indifferent...it doesn't matter. He wants me to be me, because ME is the person he likes.
Am I in love with this person? That is yet to be seen. Love is not an easy thing for me. What I do know is that everyday he convinces me a little more that there are good and true people in this world. He doesn't argue it with me, he shows me. It's in the way he brings me lunch at work when I am too busy to take my lunch break. It's in the way he understands when I just need to be by myself and take a bubble bath and have a night out with the girls (gives him room for night out with the boys). It's the way when I am talking to him, I have his undivided attention, and he doesn't divert it until he understands exactly what I mean. It's the way his face lights up when he watches cartoons on the couch with his daughter. It's how he calls when he gets off work in the middle of the night and tells me to unlock the door so he can slip into my place and tell me goodnight or just sleep next to me. It's how content he looks when we sit on the couch reading a book or watching TV, or even when we are out partying with our friends. All the little things that make such a big difference. Who knows what the future may bring. At the very least, I know that for a short time I experience true companionship and for the first time felt truly content. And that is something I wouldn't trade for anything in the world.
Posted May 18, 2003
I got a makeover this evening.
Never had a makeover before.
Too bad nobody really cares if I have been made over or not.
But at least I have very smooth skin now! YAY!
Just Passing Through...
Posted Mar 14, 2003
OOOHH, journal entry. Haven't done one of these in a while. I think I might have forgotten how.
On any other day, I could write volumes about what I have been up to, but today...BLANK! Ah well, until next time...
A Day of NOTHING! (not a Seinfeld episode)
Posted Oct 25, 2002
Stop the presses! Wake the children, they will want to see this! Call the folks and tell them to tune in...
I TOOK A DAY OFF!
No you read that right! I took a day off...for no particular reason other than I WANTED TO!
No doctor's appointments. No errands to run. No place I needed to be.
IT ROCKED! What did I do on my day off? Well here is a brief synopsis (with some small things omitted because they don't really matter)
10:30 am - woke up
11:00 am - actually got up...made scrambled eggs
11:15 am - got a call from a friend/co-worker to tell me they missed me at the office (aww...they missed me)
Noon - began countdown to the start of afternoon soap operas, began drinking an entire pot of coffee all by myself
12:30 pm - aforementioned soap opera watching commenced
2:00 pm - realized I had neither gotten dressed nor brushed my teeth or hair, did quick scamper from living room to bathroom
2:15 pm - emerged from bathroom in sweats and hair pulled into a rather cute ponytail
3:00 pm - resumed soap opera watching
4:00 pm - had a moment of brain flatulence and actually put a load of laundry on to wash...oops...
5:30 pm - went to check the mail
6:00 pm - watched the evening news to see what happened in the world while I was loafing
8:00 pm - realized I hadn't yet had dinner...heated up soup and called my mommy!
8:30 pm - began watching a movie on cable...ate popcorn...ahhhh
11:00 pm - movie ends, take nice bath.
Midnight - sitting here typing this silly journal entry and sad because the day is officially over...whatever shall I do...
OH WAIT! I'M GONNA DO IT AGAIN TOMORROW!
Malls...everywhere I go...malls
Posted Sep 17, 2002
It seems I am surrounded by malls. I have never considered myself to be much of a mall rat. I never was one of those teenagers who went to the mall with her friends to hangout and waste the hours away. I am *still* not one of those women who will go to the mall with her girlfriends/mother/significant other and spend hours just browsing. Although, I will admit, I will spend a bit of time there if they have a good book store. Yet, lately, I have looked around and noticed that I am surrounded by malls. Just down the street from my home, a rather large mall...across the street from my office, a mall...twenty minutes into the next town, a rather new and rather large and fancy mall (though I should give this mall its props as it is home to a rather nice italian restaurant and a 2 story book store), and just last month, only 10 minutes from here...what opens...another mall...another large fancy mall with some sort of river running through it. I'm tellin' ya, I'm surrounded. I have no money, and no business being in the mall, but it is like some kind of sign...the malls are so convenient and on every corner! It's like they are daring me to come inside! TEMPTATION! Perhaps I should venture inside and pump some much needed cash into the economy...but wait...I have NO CASH TO GIVE! Sorry, mall demons, you lose this time...