Journal Entries
Battling my demons (this will not be pleasant reading)
Posted Oct 21, 2020
I fight my demons every day. At best, I end each battle willing to believe that good things could still happen in my life.
I endlessly search for ways to stave off disaster. Car breaking down in freezing weather when I need it the most? Today I had the battery checked, so it would at least start. The verdict? My battery is so good, I was told it seems almost new.
I worry about running out of cash, so I shifted money form the Credit Union into one of my checking accounts today.
Could it become too cold for me to walk to the nearest mailbox to mail a letter? (This assumes that the hackers infiltrate my online accounts so I can't pay bills online). Solution: Buy a new mailbox, and put the flag up if there are letters I want the postman to take with him and mail.
Cold seeping through my windows? I bought a window insulation kit.
Needing to get in touch with anybody? I have written down telephone numbers and email addresses and passwords for everything and everyone I can think of.
I have a raging anxiety disorder (yesterday I melted down because I imagined Coid-19 affecting so many people that grocery stores and banks had to close, and people would have trouble getting any food at all.
I feel my forehead to be sure it's not hot. I worry every time I cough.
I take as high a dose of anti-anxiety medication as I can stand. It's not enough, but it's better than nothing.
I spent four months seeing a clinician weekly. What did he do? He told me to buy a book about panic attacks and phobias. I never got the sense that he cared whether I lived or died. He retired at the end of August. I was just an obstacle between him and his retirement. The book he told me to buy was upsetting because I worried I would start taking on the phobias of some the people mentioned in it. (Luckily I didn't)
The one consolation I can take from all my preparations is that that give me something useful and concrete to do. Many of them are quite sensible in their own right. But I approach some of them as if life hung in the balance.
Thank goodness I enjoy my food! And I love taking long walks in this glorious weather. Sometimes, to recharge my car's battery, I take long drives, choosing the route as I go along. That's kind of fun.
I'm upping my game tomorrow, when I will tackle some cooking that's more complex than boiling potatoes and carrots. I will make a beef stew recipe that my father was fond of. 
There are nice moments here and there. And, I have never been this organized before in my life.
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Latest reply: Oct 21, 2020
Myb therapist reads boring science fiction. here are some better choices
Posted Oct 18, 2020
I defied him on the issue of whether beautiful plates can be considered art, but the friction between us has left me feeling tired. What does the therapist know about art? Or literature, for that matter? He told me about the kinds of science fiction he reads, and it's all ancient and ho-hum. I like the cutting-edge stuff like "Station 11," "Snow crash," "Ancillary justice," "Wind-up girl," "Accelerando" (fasten your seatbelts for this one), and "Spin."
Honorable mention goes to "Darwin's Radio," which sees the beginning of a change from our type of human to a very different one. What's new can be very scary.
In the fantasy genre, here are some good choices:
The "Shades of magic" series" is superb. Written by V. E. Schwab, it starts with "A darker shade of magic," about a world where London exists as a place in four different realms known by the different colors of magic in them. Only one or two people are able to go from one iteration of London to another, and it's a dangerous business.
Give it a try. It's a major accomplishment.
Lev Grossman has written a trilogy about Magicians. Here's a link to discussion of the first book in the series:
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/The_Magicians_(Grossman_novel)
There's also "Chasm city" by Alastair Reynolds.
"Altered Carbon" (Takeshi Kovacs) was made into a TV series
Here are some fantasy novels that have won awards:
"The bone clocks," by David Mitchell
"The chimes" by Anna Smaili
"Alif the unseen" by G Willow Wilson
Why go back to Asimov and Heinlein, when exciting new writers are pushing the edge of the envelope as to what science fiction and fantasy can be?
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Latest reply: Oct 18, 2020
The Oracle speaks
Posted Oct 17, 2020
[This is what comes of trying to read the Bible from Genesis on. What kind of funny mushrooms were the writers smoking? If people acted like children, maybe it's because they were dictated to in every minor detail, with no chance to participate in decision-making.
So, here's the first instalment. This will get wacky for time to time
Chapter 1: what the natural world said to the oracle
Verse 1: Behold, I found myself in the forest at the foot of a mighty Oak tree, and the tree spoke to me, saying “It shall go badly for you, oh human, and all your kind. I am old, and have deep roots that can supply water and store sugars, but your kind is only four days away from hunger if the supermarkets lose their supply chain. Your kind may or may not stockpile food, but can it sustain you? My kind makes our own food every day the sun shines during the growing season. We know enough to sleep through the cold times. It shall go badly for you, oh humankind!”
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Latest reply: Oct 17, 2020
frustration of buying a new computer
Posted Oct 13, 2020
I haven't bought a new PC yet, but I expect hassles.
Every computer has a unique IP address. This means that when I plug in my Internet cable, it won't recognize the new machine, which will need to be reregistered. If the ISP requires verification by text message, I'm sunk.
I might be able to log onto my gmail account, but getting into this site could be a hassle.
I may be pulling out my hair before this is over.
has anyone else gone through this process? How did you cope?
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Latest reply: Oct 13, 2020
Notomla, the epic poem that Santa Claus deserves
Posted Oct 12, 2020
In 1998 I considered what sort of epic poem Santa Claus would be the hero of if we really took him seriously
I call him Notomla, for no particular reason ecept thatit sounds grandiose.
Check verse one here:
A88002100
More verses will be transcribed here n days to come.
I think it's my finest work.
if Google can find my spotlights on Crepuscular meadows, maybe it will lead people to this poem that I put so much of my best effort into. 
Discuss this Journal entry [25]
Latest reply: Oct 12, 2020
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