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Battling my demons (this will not be pleasant reading)

Post 1

pauh, still writing

I fight my demons every day. At best, I end each battle willing to believe that good things could still happen in my life.

I endlessly search for ways to stave off disaster. Car breaking down in freezing weather when I need it the most? Today I had the battery checked, so it would at least start. The verdict? My battery is so good, I was told it seems almost new.

I worry about running out of cash, so I shifted money form the Credit Union into one of my checking accounts today.

Could it become too cold for me to walk to the nearest mailbox to mail a letter? (This assumes that the hackers infiltrate my online accounts so I can't pay bills online). Solution: Buy a new mailbox, and put the flag up if there are letters I want the postman to take with him and mail.

Cold seeping through my windows? I bought a window insulation kit.

Needing to get in touch with anybody? I have written down telephone numbers and email addresses and passwords for everything and everyone I can think of.

I have a raging anxiety disorder (yesterday I melted down because I imagined Coid-19 affecting so many people that grocery stores and banks had to close, and people would have trouble getting any food at all.

I feel my forehead to be sure it's not hot. I worry every time I cough.

I take as high a dose of anti-anxiety medication as I can stand. It's not enough, but it's better than nothing.

I spent four months seeing a clinician weekly. What did he do? He told me to buy a book about panic attacks and phobias. I never got the sense that he cared whether I lived or died. He retired at the end of August. I was just an obstacle between him and his retirement. The book he told me to buy was upsetting because I worried I would start taking on the phobias of some the people mentioned in it. (Luckily I didn't)

The one consolation I can take from all my preparations is that that give me something useful and concrete to do. Many of them are quite sensible in their own right. But I approach some of them as if life hung in the balance.

Thank goodness I enjoy my food! And I love taking long walks in this glorious weather. Sometimes, to recharge my car's battery, I take long drives, choosing the route as I go along. That's kind of fun.

I'm upping my game tomorrow, when I will tackle some cooking that's more complex than boiling potatoes and carrots. I will make a beef stew recipe that my father was fond of. smiley - smiley

There are nice moments here and there. And, I have never been this organized before in my life.


Battling my demons (this will not be pleasant reading)

Post 2

pauh, still writing

Another good thing: My temperature is now 97.7 degrees Fahrenheit. I don't have the virus yet.

I'm trying to get the knack for mindfulness exercises. If only my mind wouldn't race ahead so. smiley - puff


Battling my demons (this will not be pleasant reading)

Post 3

Pierre de la Mer ~ sometimes slightly worried but never panicking ~

smiley - sorrysmiley - erm

I find it very difficult to say more than that.

Except in my personal experience there is a lot of strength to gather from the fact that you have fought your way through the past and can do so in the present and the future also smiley - ok

smiley - pirate


Battling my demons (this will not be pleasant reading)

Post 4

Pierre de la Mer ~ sometimes slightly worried but never panicking ~

Ooooh, I just read this: "The next moment that makes everything worthwile is never far away" [Dexter Gelfand] smiley - smiley

smiley - pirate


Battling my demons (this will not be pleasant reading)

Post 5

pauh, still writing

I'm a fighter, always have been.

It's in my DNA.

And sometimes I should practice acceptance, not fighting.


Battling my demons (this will not be pleasant reading)

Post 6

Willem

Hang in there paulh! You may know I also have an anxiety disorder. It's a trick I'm still trying to get the hang of, to worry just enough about things that might go wrong. Worry too much and you get obsessive and wasteful, worry too little and you may not be prepared when disaster does indeed hit ...


Battling my demons (this will not be pleasant reading)

Post 7

Prof Animal Chaos.C.E.O..err! C.E.Idiot of H2G2 Fools Guild (Official).... A recipient of S.F.L and S.S.J.A.D.D...plus...S.N.A.F.U.

F1926355?thread=4064614

I have "fought" demons all my life in one way or the other.

BUT! whether I was born/hatched/dug up or created! I exist!
I live to bring smiles etc to everyone and anyone smiley - smiley
I'm too busy doing that! To allow any "demon/s" to enter my mindsmiley - ok
That'll NEVER happensmiley - smiley


Battling my demons (this will not be pleasant reading)

Post 8

pauh, still writing

Thank you, Willem

Right now I'm battled viruses in my brand new computer.

I blame Google, which has come out with a new security update a few days ago. The problem is squarely on Google's shoulders for letting its systems be vulnerable to hackers. I've sent Google a message about this, and my computer service company has heard form me a lot. I don't sit back quietly on things like this.


Battling my demons (this will not be pleasant reading)

Post 9

Prof Animal Chaos.C.E.O..err! C.E.Idiot of H2G2 Fools Guild (Official).... A recipient of S.F.L and S.S.J.A.D.D...plus...S.N.A.F.U.

"I don't sit back quietly" That's Yorkshire talk Paul!
Stand your ground mate smiley - okAT all timessmiley - smiley


Battling my demons (this will not be pleasant reading)

Post 10

pauh, still writing

It's my nature to battle, but anxiety makes me indecisive at times.


Battling my demons (this will not be pleasant reading)

Post 11

Prof Animal Chaos.C.E.O..err! C.E.Idiot of H2G2 Fools Guild (Official).... A recipient of S.F.L and S.S.J.A.D.D...plus...S.N.A.F.U.

as an ex joiner/carpenter, "we" have a saying! Check twice, cut once!

In my life, I always check myself as such, even though "many" times I've still put my foot in it! and said/wrote the wrong thing and unintentionally "insulted/hurt" someone etc.

You can only be YOU!(manly smiley - hug)smiley - ok THAT is the gift you give everyone!

I'm happy with MY presentsmiley - smileyso don't change!


Battling my demons (this will not be pleasant reading)

Post 12

Icy North

I don’t fight my demons (I’d probably lose - they’re tricky beggars) I just bore them into submission.

I hope you’re still coming at life from 90 degrees, Paul. It’ll throw them off the scent. smiley - smiley


Battling my demons (this will not be pleasant reading)

Post 13

pauh, still writing

I had a relatively good day today.

Some kind of malware has infected my computer. So far no serious damage has been done. I'm unhappy because

1. The computer was brand new as of last Friday
2. When I try to do a search on Google, and click on a website address sometimes a non-Google web address pops up, often with a fake non-Google sequence at the top of the page. All the financial institutions I do business with get this fake website search -- my credit cards, my banks, etc. It's a phishing program. It wants my passwords.


Battling my demons (this will not be pleasant reading)

Post 14

pauh, still writing

The only exception is a secure website for Bank of America. Maybe they are encrypted to keep the scammers out.

I've been paying bills online, but no more. I'll have to write checks and mail them (I've ordered extra stamps from the USPS online).

I don't want the phishers to get my passwords. If they're spying on me inside my computer, maybe they will see the new passwords I get. smiley - sadface


Battling my demons (this will not be pleasant reading)

Post 15

pauh, still writing

Actually, one way to go would be to change the password for my gmail account, then immediately go to the two credit card sites through safe portals and change their passwords as well. Before the phishers have a chance to figure out the new gmail password.


Battling my demons (this will not be pleasant reading)

Post 16

Prof Animal Chaos.C.E.O..err! C.E.Idiot of H2G2 Fools Guild (Official).... A recipient of S.F.L and S.S.J.A.D.D...plus...S.N.A.F.U.

smiley - smileyI kicked my gmail accounts (2) in to touchsmiley - smileytoo bloody noseysmiley - biggrin


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