h2g2 The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy: Earth Edition

It's beginning to feel a lot like winter,
down in the Ingram dell where there is a wishing well,
which has turned me into a very nimble athletic sprinter
and a very beautiful belle who loves to yell.

She told me she could play the lyre.
"Anyone can do that," I replied,
"But of telling the truth I never tire."
Misunderstood, the poor girl sighed.

When we're skating in the park
being chased by a shark.
But Iron Man aka Anthony Stark
comes to the rescue along with the talking lark,
and a labrador dog who loves to bark.

Then your rosy cheek's gonna light your merry way
and you'll find yourself wanting to pray with Jose
that there will be lots of snow nearby the winter chalet.
And there'll be enough snow that'll you'll be able to ride in your sleigh.

Now come inside for some cheer and a pint of beer.
Listen to some music that'll will improve your musical ear.
It will you in the right mood for your part in the panto premiere.
And I hope it will banish all your fears and make them all disappear.

"I'm a beautiful belle," she said,
Looking demure and sublime.
"That's good to know," I replied.
"I'll give you a ring sometime."

Rosetta do you feel better,
whenever you put on your cashmere sweater?
And does it make you feel like a go-getter
when you get your letter
about getting a new dog which will be an Irish setter?

Are you well, well, well,
after drinking a whole bottle of moselle?
And when you go to a party do you well love to jell
with all the cool people as you cast your alluring spell?
And does it help you get out of your shell?

Thirteen Monkeys.

Thirteen monkeys, all in a row
Turn to one another, make such a row
Tie them all up in a silken bow
Turn to the audience, take a bow

Frosty the snowman had a plan
to change his name to Stan.
He is a jolly happy soul,
and is friends of a troll named Noel.

He wears lots of woolen clothes,
and even wore fancy leather shoes
with a very tall top hat,
worn when playing cricket with his willow bat.

Frosty the snowman is friends with a humpback whale
who's called Gayle and receives lots of fan mail.
Has her own whale fan club for very low cost yearly subs
where you get signed letters and special marine beauty skin scrubs.

Frosty the snowman is made of snow and loves in stage-shows
and is known to part in winter tableaux.
Has paintings done by Vincent van Gogh,
given by Joe who lives in a chateau on a desolate plateau.

The day that Frosty came to life one very cold sunny day,
when Ray, Faye, Jose, May, and Renee came for the soiree
at the mountain chalet where people have known to go astray
and drink one too many as they take part in the show which is a bit risque.

Snow is mostly pretty good.
It covers up my neighborhood.
But one day, not too long ago,
We got some really evil snow.

I saw it writhing on the ground,
Not content to simply mound,
But forming creatures truly garish,
So we fled lest we should perish.

Then there came a sunny day.
Evil snow did melt away.

I am heavy laden with shopping,
with both of my bunions throbbing with pain,
and with my arms so very tired that they are flopping,
when my body takes the strain as I wish for a glass of champagne.
And I find myself with my feet up,
lying down on a lounge sofa being served luxurious chocolate out of a golden cup.
And my feet being massaged by men who look like Gambit and Angel
along with Beast and Thor who arrive with bottles of moselle,
as they soothe may aches away and tell me their ideas for their joint venture a comedy play.
Others arrive Wolverine, Nightcrawler, and Captain Britain with the buffet and the cabaret.

Christmas has a sinister side,
Though the merchants paper it over.
That dime-store Santa seems to hide
Some awful secret 'bout his lover.

My legs feel as heavy as lead
when I am walking to the garden shed.
It's worse when I am out waiting for a bus
and talking to Gus who loves to make a fuss
with me and even discusses with Russ about feeling a wuss
about always being nonplussed about traveling on a trolley-bus.

Dashing through the snow
on the way to a top London West End show
with Mo and Flo and a bottle of bordeaux
which was given to them by Joe the crow.

Riding in a two horse open sleigh
on a crisp, cold winter's day
eating a bowl of spiced whey
which was made by Ray the blue jay.

O'er the fields they go
"shouting out ho, ho, ho
will anyone try our sour dough
and our chocolate covered turbot?"

Laughing all the way
at the thought of being presented with a bouquet
and with a cheese tray along with apricot souffle
which they will have at the theatre's soiree.

Bells on bob tails ring
which fills them with zing
when wearing their favourite bling
drinking down a Singapore Sling .

Making spirits bright
and it makes them feel alright
when watching a fight with a knight
and a playwright having a fight with a sprite.

There will be jingling bells in Tumbridge Wells
and aromatic smells coming out from wishing wells
that are covered in sea shells
in forests and in secluded dells.

Oh, what fun it is to ride
when you are full of pride
at being related to Kitty Pryde
aka Shadowcat who takes everything in her stride.

A day or two ago
they made a quadruple chocolate gateau
which was flavoured with pernod
to be served at the village tableau.

Come with me a while.
We'll tie red Christmas bows
On every fence post in town.

We'll hang sleighbells
Around the necks
Of the statues in the park.

We'll hang strings of Christmas lights
On the branches of Miss Fussbudget's oak.
If she complains, we'll sing her carols.

Yes, join me in acts
Of senseless Christmas celebratiom.

Excellent, Paul. Not nonsense, of course, (far from it), but who's counting?




Jabs

Funny, I thought senseless was the same as nonsensical.

Never look a gift horse...

Your poem wasn't senseless, even though Christmas may be. To say the poem wasn't nonsense is surely praise?

You've got to
Accent the positive,
Eliminate the negative



Jabs

Whatever.

Hang a wreath on the outhouse door.
Don't take it down until July 4.
Ravens in Santa suits chant "Nevermore!"

Joy to all in the world
who have hair their curled.
And to those who love to eat lemon curd.
and to those who's big ambition in life is to be come a nerd.

Let everyone put on their best bling;
and sing about the joys of playing on a swing,
in the snow and thinking about the return of Spring.
So go and have a glass of gin which fill you full of zing.

Let everyone come into the dining room,
come dressed in their a favourite X-men costume.
So sit down and eat the finest poultry and meat,
and for dessert there'll be Xmas which will make the meal complete.

In the evening for supper there'll be quiche lorraine
washed down with a bottle of champagne,
which will you all with bounteous joy,
even when eating food made from soy.

Kevin's a bit of a cider drinker,
that has made him a very creative thinker.
He loves wearing a girly pink sarong,
when he's hitting the dinner gong.

I was just carving my Christmas ham
When Santa delivered a leg of lamb,
Some mashed potatoes and fresh green peas.
He pulled plum pudding from his valise.
"Come, join me at the North Pole," he said,
And that is when my dream ended.