h2g2 The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy: Earth Edition

Talking of Country songs, here's a golden oldie:-

I'm going to Nashville
And hit that Country scene
I'm going to the city
Where Patsy Cline was queen
I'm tired of being nobody
But an old has-been
I'm going to Nashville
I'm gonna turn 'em green

I'm going to Nashville
Nashville, Tennessee
You bet your bottom dollar
They've heard nothing like me
I'm gonna sing them Country songs
On live prime time TV
And I'll make 'em whoop and holler
Just you wait and see

I'm going to Nashville
With my old guitar
I'm gonna pick some fancy tunes
And play them fancy bars
And I'll soon be riding round in
A big expensive car
I'm going to Nashville
To be a superstar

I'm going to Nashville
As I've already said
I've got a lot of crazy dreams
Floating round my head
I'll play that Grand Ole Opry
Or some place else instead
I'm going to Nashville
I'm gonna knock 'em dead

I'm going to Nashville
And hit that Country scene
I'm going to the city
Where Tammy once was queen
I'm gonna be the biggest thing
The Opry's ever seen
I'm going to Nashville
I'm gonna turn 'em green

(Turnham Green's a station
On the London Undergound
You'll find it on the District Line
Not far from Acton Town
They're both quite close to Hammersmith
Where I saw Jackson Browne
Now you prob'ly think I'm crazy
But I'm just foolin' around.)

I'm going to Nashville
That's where I belong
I'm gonna take my old guitar
And play some Country songs
And all them Country ladies
Are sure to come on strong
I'm going to Nashville
I know I can't go wrong

I'm going to Nashville
And I'll light such a flame
All them folk in Nashville
Will be calling out my name
I'll win some Country Grammies
And a whole lot of acclaim
I'm headed for Nashville
And the Country Hall of Fame

Is there any country left anywhere?
They seem to have paved everything
Possible. Even the average bear
Has cable, and cell phones ringing.

Did you hear
Of the set of teeth
That were on their way
To seek their fortune
In gNashville?

Thank you Jabs for the very kind compliments.

Rocking around the willow tree,
having a happy holiday,
drinking lots of cups of tea,
with the dray who loves to pray.

It gives us a funny feeling,
that we should dance the night away,
and have a game of croquet
with the African grey.

Let's all be jolly and get some holly,
to pin on our brollies, provided by the collie,
who will come in with the buffet trolley,
provided by Molly along with a ice lolly.

Welcome to the bad nonsense verse thread,
Where non sequiturs have killed narrative dead.
The dark side of rhyme for rhyme's sake.
Raised to a level of obsessiveness helps make
Each journey to this eccentric land of verse
Seem like a roller coaster ride, a race with a hearse.

Deck the halls with Saginaw savings
Our superstore dealt with cravings
the black friday sale was 4am
let all the shoppers say amen.
like sheep to the slaughter they were draving.

It happened on a ride in long black hearse
I was acosted by a fit of protracted self-deprecating bad verse
I sought a doctor but the diagnosis was a bleak refrain
"You've a pickled brain, a pickled brain, a pickled braaaain!"

Pickled brains can't be all bad.
Einstein's brain ended up that way.
Some think it funny, others sad,
Einstein hasn't commented, but hey!

My goldfish donated his brain to me
Now i can feed myself on land and in the sea
I don't say alot but my mouth moves wildly
My lifes ajar but i'm quite happy!

A goldfish Einstein would be a sight to see.
He'd engineer an escape to the nearest pond,
And frolic with some exquisite goldfish lady,
Teaching her of relativity to be fond.

"I don't know what to wear",
Said the little brown bear to the big brown bear.

Said the little brown bear to the big brown bear,
"I don't know what to wear!"

Nonsense is an acquired taste.
The little bear wore around his waist
A rainbow trout, studded with cherries,
And wore a cabbage hat with rogue herries.

Because I realised I got
a large cooking pot
that I use on my luxury yacht
which I bought from Scott the serious Swat.

Me, myself and I
and Si who loves to sigh
when making a large mince pie
and tying his large bow tie.

That's all I got in the end
when tying a fisherman's bend
which makes my mind ascend
as I think of all the money I'm going to spend.

That's what I found out
about how to make homemade sauerkraut
and the best ways of cooking trout
as well as ways of giving myself a bee-stung pout.

And it ain't no need to cry
if you're feeling so very shy
about trying to fly out of the pig sty
in one of the cabins with it's own spring water supply.

I took a vow that from now on
to eat only the best made brawn
and only wear clothes made of chiffon
when drinking tea shipped in from Ceylon.

They say coffee is now good for you.
It's been studied for many a year
In laboratories by scientists who
Seemed certain it must be deleter-
Ious to your health, but for now
It's regarded as good. Coffee, take a bow!

walked out of the house in the morn did i
wearing my best full roast coffee
no one noticed or no one cared
but when the rain came everyone stared
i'm wearing a pair of jeans and a Micky Mouse sweater
trying to convince the doc i am feeliong much better

It's all about you
dancing the pas de deux
when ever your in the checkout queue
to pay for the ingredients to make cheese fondue.

Yesterday, I asked me something you thought I knew.
I asked you, "should I add beer to my beef stew?"
And you said, "as long as it's real ale
and you could also use free-range quail."

So I told you with a smile that I'll walk with you a mile
to go a makeover with a photo shoot and a new hairstyle.
Then you whispered in my ear, "do you want a pint of beer?",
which I replied "only if takes us to the final frontier".

And I would answer all you're wishes, if you asked me to.
I would grew a beard and ride on a gnu playing on my kazoo.
But if you deny me one of your embraces, I won't put wear my braces
on my trousers when I'm wearing fluorescent yellow shoe laces.

So hold me close and say three words, birds eat curds
and ask me will I ever have words with the elephant bird
about dancing on the kitchen tiles being one of life's trials
and going into my office and sorting all my files.

Where are my boots (the little ones, they're blue)?
I left them by the door last night, but they flew
The coop. In the distance I hear the plaid cuckoo
Enjoying some very tough meat in its stew.

[Could the meat be my boots, or am I delusional again?]

We'll conspire to learn how to play the lyre,
when sitting by the log fire talking to the friar
about how to change a car's snow tire
or how to use a chip pan fryer.

To face unafraid when walking down the parade
with all their christmas decorations displayed
nearby the shopping arcade we'll go and buy a bottle of lemonade
and buy specialised gifts that all have been handmade.

Go down town and meet up with the clown
who's got a long frown and is all dressed in brown
and is jumping up and down when seeing anyone wearing a sorcerer's gown
or going to the shop to get the very best quilts all made from eiderdown.

When it snows, is not it so delightful,
and wearing clothes made from 100% lambs wool.
Is not it so thrilling to buy a large mince pie for one shilling
and watch the snow fall is so compelling.

We'll frolic and play, the Eskimo way
on our way to the party where there'll be a buffet
which will be parfait as it's provided by Renee
who is also an expert in ballet and in playing croquet.

The delusion lifted that morning
as the sun came out to dance
the rain came in the afternoon
and washed my garden into France